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Brian Karem

Christmas in the “fear hole”

Just sees what he wants to see Nowhere man, can you see me at all (He's as blind as he can be)

- John Lennon/Paul McCartney

Moments after I got the news that the Colorado Supreme Court kicked Donald Trump off the ballot in that state, I read the transcript of the decision.

Part of the justification for disqualifying Trump was because of what he said in a press briefing more than six weeks before the election. “When asked at a September 23, 2020 press briefing whether he would commit to a peaceful transfer of power after the election, President Trump refused to do so,” the court wrote.

Some of Trump’s current paid supporters, destined to end up with lumps of coal in their stockings this Christmas, denied that this happened, and accused the court of misinterpreting what he said. I know differently. I was there. I asked the question. The court was right in its reference, and also left out the part where Trump told me that if you stop counting the votes there wouldn’t be a transfer of power at all.

I’m pretty sure that will also lead to a few lumps of coal in Trump’s stocking, but it turns out some folks out there think I am wrong. Maggie Haberman and others who have covered Trump believe his people are actually energized by the decision. Sure, he’s going to grift off of it. Everything that happens to him is used to raise money, so ten minutes didn’t go by before he was sending out emails asking his loyal supporters to dig deeper into their pockets, and send him a Christmas present of money rather than spending it on their loved ones. But energized by the decision? I think Trump is terrified.

A few minutes later I got a call from a source who told me that kicking Trump off the ballot will have consequences.

“It’ll make him a martyr,” I was told, “further radicalizing the electorate and risking violence.” 

There are plenty of reasons to believe that is true. President Biden this week, in a speech he made in Bethesda, MD, reminded people that Trump is on a “revenge” and “retribution” tour and promises to be a dictator for a day – a dictator who also recently said the blood of immigrants is poisoning our nation. 

“Just this weekend, Trump said, and I quote, ‘Our country is not a great country anymore.’ I simply don't believe that, and I don't think any of you do” Biden said.

Then this source I had on the phone said I should meet up with a friend of his who had a “high placed” job and could offer other options in dealing with Trump. So, I took the call.

The guy started off telling me, “Money runs everything. It runs politics, entertainment and sports.” I couldn’t disagree, but I wondered what it had to do with Trump and the decision in Colorado.

“Well, the big guy’s had it. I’m giving you the scoop,” he told me. I had no idea what he meant, but as he explained it there is going to be a reckoning come Christmas.

I looked around. Was I being punked?

“Look, it’s a big commercial racket,” this guy told me. And when I asked to what he was referring he said, “Christmas. It’s run by a big eastern syndicate, you know.”

People quoting “A Charlie Brown Christmas” makes me laugh. Then I asked the voice on the phone what he meant. “This is the deal; this year the Big Guy is going to flip the script and instead of delivering presents, he’s going to throw certain people into the ‘fear hole’ for Christmas.” In other words, their Christmas present will be facing their greatest fear.

Wait. What? Rick and Morty? Actually, probably Albert Brooks in “Defending Your Life” with the Game show “Face Your Fear.” But, I digress.

“Who’s “The Big Guy?” God?” I asked. 

The Dude does not abide by cryptic sources.

“No. Not some fictional being in the sky who sees and knows all and needs your money and fealty,” I was told.

“Who then?” I asked.

“You know. Wears red. Rather rotund. Has a naughty and nice list.”

The guy sounded like a raving conspiracy lunatic, but according to him the fat man in a red suit is pissed. And this is what he has in store for Trump and a few others; 

Trump is getting thrown into the fear hole where he will be a poor illegal immigrant trying to cross the Rio Grande to get a job, while suffering a debilitating skin rash that causes his hair to fallout and his skin to peel. He won’t be able to get medical care, but he’ll be put to work picking fruit for a large American produce company for less than minimum wage. He’ll find out that America is great again without him – in fact because he’s not around. 

Okay. I’m in. “What else you got?” I asked.

Matt Gaetz? Much the same, but he’s also going to be a young teenage girl trying to fight off Matt Gaetz while being sold by Jeff Epstein to a rich oilman from the Middle East.

Jim Jordan?  He’ll have to face his fears as a young boy being abused by his wrestling coach who can’t get anyone to listen to him. Epstein will also sell him to a rich oil magnate.

That may sound rather pedestrian, but I liked the plan for George Santos. The Big Guy, I’m told already took care of him. However, whoever puts him on television or interviews him will be forced to work as a court stenographer in a country where they don’t know the language, and every time they get their facts wrong – they’ll be flogged. In fact, that’s the fate of most reporters who refuse to try and get their facts straight.


Well, some of them, I was told, will be forced to work as barkers in cheap carnivals, which is actually a step up, but all of them will work for minimum wage and those who play “access journalism” are going to have to labor as fluffers for “OnlyFans” stars.

The more I spoke with this source, the more serious I understood Father Christmas is going to get with people this year. “No kidding,” I was told. “The Big Guy has had enough.”

Lindsay Graham? Apparently he’ll be a homeless orphan who’s thrown into jail for a murder he didn’t commit, but cannot get anyone to believe him. He will live out his days being cuddled by a guy who looks like Shrek and goes by the name Ben Dover.

That’s pretty harsh. But the source on the phone said there were others who will suffer worse fates. 

Donald Trump Jr? “Well, he’s already so fearful the Big Guy says the only way to take care of him is to make him penniless and cuckolded by a 350 lb. wife who has herpes.”

Apparently the Big Guy isn’t happy with Democrats or Republicans. I was told certain Democrats fear being canceled for saying something that isn’t “woke” enough to pass the muster, so they’ll be canceled for saying something completely innocuous. “They’ll spend their lives trying to redeem themselves for something they didn’t do,” I was told. 

And the far right? “Well, they love to say that social spending is socialism and communism, so a lot of those guys will be living during Stalin’s rule in the Soviet Union,” I was told.

Greg Abbott?

Well the Big Guy thought long and hard about him and Ken Paxton – the smug Texas Attorney General who went after Kate Cox, a mother who needed to end a pregnancy because of a fatal threat to her and the unborn fetus. The Big Guy thought of staking Abbot to a tree, naked, and doused in honey – then releasing bears and bees on him. And he thought of turning Paxton into a teenage girl rape victim whose pregnancy threatens both her life and the life of her unborn child. But, in the end he decided they should share the same fate; they’ll be an LBGTQ homeless minority couple hounded by the KKK while both live with an incurable, debilitating disease that causes rashes and boils.

How about Christian Nationalists? After all, Christian theology is not only opposed to the scientific spirit; it is opposed to every other form of rational thinking. It has, at all times and everywhere, been the steady defender of bad governments, bad laws, bad social theories, and bad institutions. It was, for centuries an apologist for slavery as it was an apologist for the divine right of kings. (Apologies to H.L. Mencken)

So, what’s their “fear hole”? 

Obviously, I was told that it is the fictional fiery pit of Hell. “They have already told us their greatest fear,” my source explained. “The Big Guy will just give it to them.”

“What about the Pope?” I asked. 

“Frank? The Big Guy likes him,” I was told. “He’s a Jesuit – That’s the Vince Lombardi wing of the Catholic faith. Very Progressive. He gets a pass.” 

We ended our conversation and the guy on the other end of the phone told me that “this conversation never happened.” And if I ever said it did, I should be on the lookout for some very short people dressed in red, white and green, carrying candy canes, smiles, and tinsel that can be used to cut through iron bars. 

I thought it was all on background, so I won’t give up a name, but I’m running a risk of being thrown in my own fear hole this Christmas by even telling anyone about this.

I’ll take the risk. I know my greatest fear and I face it every day; people confuse fiction for facts, don’t read, are incapable of critical thinking, have no sense of humor and dwell within their own humorless information silos where they only converse with those who think exactly as they do and condemn anyone who thinks differently.

I fear it will never change. 

Happy Holidays.

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