Eight east London teens are looking at a teetering jenga tower of biscuit tins and asking one big question. “Why is the Guardian wasting so much money on us?” Simple: we needed a panel to test biscuits and we’re huge fans of the refined palates of the youngsters from the Mile End Community Project and Tower Hamlets residents’ group SocietyLinks. The taste test of posh fried chicken they did for us in October has seen them offer expert commentary on TV news and field calls from BBC Radio 4. Plus, they’re such hardcore biscuit fans that the odd one even sells them at school to supplement their pocket money. Asking them to join us for a festive taste test in the twinkly surrounds of Ice Rink Canary Wharf: a waste of money? Not even close.
Asda Christmas Lebkuchen Selection, £2.50, 250g
Euphoria breaks out as the panel tuck in to a stack of the more chocolatey numbers in this box (“This is bare nice, you know”). No mean feat given that their pre-tasting summary was “Dunno about German biscuits, but I know some German footballers. So I’m not expecting this to taste nice.” Unfortunately, that all ends when one of them notices an inscription of “Ich Mag Dich” whose final letter looks quite like a “k”. “URGH! It’s a dick biscuit!” they squeal. “Get it away from me!”
Flavour 4/5 Typography 0/5
Fortnum & Mason Christmas Biscuit Selection, £29.95, 950g
The announcement that Fortnum & Mason is a fave of David Cameron’s instantly impresses our guys. “What they gonna have in them?” someone asks, “Caviar?”, as they curiously stroke the box as if it has been touched by the Queen herself. The taste, however, has them making retching noises and the price elicits roars of “HOW MUCH?”. After all, “you could get 150 chicken wings for that!” 1/5
Winner: Sainsbury’s Scotties Shortbread Tin, £5, 400g
“Doggies!” they yell in unison as Jack tears the box open. “I like it man, it’s pure sugar,” says 13-year-old Nahid. “There’s bits in it,” exclaims another of the panel as they detect the lurking butterscotch shards. “Definitely good,” sighs Mazad, 14, in satisfaction, as he helps himself to another. “Out to Sainsbury’s for these biscuits!” laughs Nahid. 4/5
Aldi Musical biscuit tin, £3.99, 200g
Not just a biscuit tin – if you twist the bottom, this container starts chiming like a tiny ice-cream van. “Oi, that’s our tune for tonight, man!” yells one tester. Sadly, they’re not quite so keen on the flavour. “What does that smell like? That stinks!” groans one, before hardcore biscuit fan Jack bites in, declares it to be “wrong: like bread” and the rest of the panel leave well alone. 1/5
Selfridges Spiced Shortbread Stars, £5.99, 120g
Shortbread is popular among our tasters. However, they’re instantly suspicious of the upmarket store’s innovations. “That’s dry, man!” scoffs Jack. “Nah, I don’t like all the cinnamon,” winces chocoholic Aminur. “You don’t mess with shortbread,” tuts someone under their breath. 2/5
Betty’s Biscuit Selection, £17.95, 570g
Will these hefty biccies prove too adult-centric for our youthful taste testers? Apparently not. “I suppose you could at least reuse the box,” suggests Nahid, gazing at the cutesy pastel-coloured tin. “I swear they used to serve these with custard at my primary school,” exclaims Mazad of a fat disc of shortbread. “I like it!” 3/5
Waitrose Chocolate Biscuit Selection, £5, 585g
Given that the entire box empties in a blink of an eye, high scores seem imminent for this choctastic selection. Until the criticisms start rolling in: “Too chocolatey.” “Bit dry.” “Not as good as Fox’s biscuits.” Then Nahid holds his biscuit at arm’s length and summarises. “Only one place for it: the bin.” 1/5
