There wasn’t a single moment - let alone a happy moment - I remember from the last Christmas I was drinking in 2018.
What I do remember is being admitted to A&E in a drunken state amid a mental health crisis on Christmas Eve and discharged the following morning. Next minute, it was my birthday on January. 8 Truth be told, I don’t recall any events during that fortnight.
In November of 2019, I was in hospital undergoing what I hope will be my fourth and final detox. I was experiencing one of my most serious episodes of alcohol withdrawal to date after cutting back my drinking too quickly - my symptoms included severe shakes, fever-like symptoms, and terrifying hallucinations. Given the state I was in, I had no question in my mind that I wanted to quit for good this time.
For many people who are alcohol dependent , they may not realise stopping drinking abruptly (eg going “cold turkey”) can be extremely dangerous. To put it into perspective, I easily drank four bottles of wine in any 24-hour period that had gradually built up over the space of eight years.
The first significant test of my sobriety was a solo holiday to Gran Canaria three weeks after I completed the detox. Even with a bottle of complementary Cava in the fridge left by the owners of my rented bungalow, I left after a week in the sun without touching a drop.
The next big challenge I faced was Christmas and New Year, and that year I decided to spend it on my own. While Christmas may be viewed as a time for family, I realised it was one of my major triggers.
For me, my drinking was a symptom of unresolved trauma passed down the generations. The only way of breaking that pattern was tackling that trauma and my drinking head on - something my elder family members were never able to address.
On the big day, I cooked an unconventional Christmas dinner with Spanish-style chicken. For the most part, I watched trashy telly - which I never normally allowed myself to do.
What I found was that I was far from isolated. In fact, I found it empowering doing it on my own, my way.
What I also realised is that there is no “right way” to do Christmas. That’s where I think a lot of the pressure stems from - the traditions, the presents, the good will and the expectations that come with it.
Another thing that helped was participating in the #JoinIn hashtag on Twitter. Interacting with other people spending Christmas alone meant that I never actually ‘felt’ alone.
Now approaching my third Christmas sober, I’m glad to say I’m in a far better place than I was three years ago.
I’ll be spending the festive season alone again this year and looking forward to it with bells on.
