In a side room, David Cameron completed his last 15 bench-press reps. Tone is everything in the EU debate, and Dave didn’t just want to get the tone bang on, he wanted to be completely ripped. Over in the atrium where several hundred O2 employees were gathered for what was billed as the first in a series of PM Europe Directs, Karren Brady was sent out to warm up the crowd.
The baroness hasn’t done much to show why the prime minister recently promoted her to the House of Lords, and she wasn’t about to offer enlightenment. “The mobile industry serves 93% of people with a mobile phone,” she observed, to the obvious bemusement of everyone. Either numbers aren’t her strong point or someone had switched on her data roaming. Still, there’s nothing like a crap opening act to make the main attraction look good.
Dave bounded out to the centre of the stage, flexing a few biceps curls. Nice. He threw his arms out wide and his jacket slipped to the floor. He only had to tense his pecs and the shirt would have gone, too. But Chippendave was too much of a pro for that. In politics, the tease is all. Keep them keen, play it mean.
“I’m very pleased to be here in Slough,” he said, squeezing out a few stomach crunches. A flicker of annoyance crossed Chippendave’s face as everyone started laughing. What was wrong with his abs? Then the penny dropped. They weren’t laughing at his magnificent bod, but at the idea that anyone could be pleased to be in Slough. Betjeman’s barbs still shape the town’s psyche.
Not that the poet would have recognised this modern vision of Slough. There again, anyone living in Slough now probably wouldn’t have recognised this vision of Slough. Think of an open-plan office designed by David Brent on acid and you have the O2 HQ. A space where real trees coexist alongside plastic ones for that genuine Olde England pastoral feel; a space where meeting rooms are themed with cats and dogs, tandems and moons that either have butterflies flying out of them or have had chunks bitten out of them by moths. Take your pick. A space where everyone can say “moving forward” in seven different languages.
Wisely, Chippendave chose to stick to English. One of the most important reforms he’s managed to secure from the EU is the right for British people to speak English to one another, and he was keen to trumpet his success. “Staying in Europe will make Britain stronger and safer,” he said. There was certainly no safer place than Slough for Chippendave to have opened his EU referendum hustings, as the chief exec of O2, Ronan Dunne, has already publicly declared his company’s support for the Remain in Europe campaign.
With safety came kindness. Or something like that. Where the previous day he had initiated the drive-by shooting of Boris Johnson in the House of Commons, now he was content to merely be a bit patronising. Boris was a very good friend, he insisted, starting on his boxercise routine. Boris had a great future as a politician. The old one-two seldom fails. A great future as in no future.
Just to make sure there was no chance of a Dead Boz Bounce, Chippendave went for a final headshot by reminding everyone of the company the London mayor would be keeping. With Putin to the east and Isis to the south, was Britain best protected by an unholy alliance of Nigel Farage, George Galloway, David Icke, Iain Duncan Smith and BoGo? That lot hadn’t even yet agreed whether they were voting to leave the EU - or in Icke’s case, the planet – for good or just for a little bit and to then sneak back in later when they thought no one was looking. Imagine them trying to negotiate trade deals.
Chippendave took a few friendly questions from the audience before calling time and leaving Lady Brady to carry his jacket. One for the West Ham trophy cabinet, no doubt. Chippendave stopped to sign a few autographs and headed for the car, where one of his security detail struggled and failed to open the door. “You need to work out more,” Chippendave muttered. It was life, Gym, but not as we know it.
