Good news: hilariously intelligent kids. If there’s something a teeny bit wrong about being amused by intelligent kids, then it’s certainly better than being entertained by stupid ones, or fat ones, or poor ones. Plus Child Genius (Channel 4) is nicely non-judgmental and sympathetic. And of course it’s really more about the parents than it is about the kids.
“Sometimes he wants to play games,” says 11-year-old David’s father, Peter, who moved the family from China for the sake of David’s education. Games! How dare he? Who does he think he is, a child or something?
I’m getting some parenting tips from Peter, for when mine – obviously geniuses – are a bit older. Like standing behind them, hands behind my back, as they do their homework. Maybe three and one isn’t too early actually, if they’re going to get Maths A-level at 10, as David did, and go on to the Child Genius competition.
“David, what’s it like having your dad watching you when you work?” asks a voice from behind the camera, probing gently. “Not nice,” says David. Social services have been round, but it was more a case of cultural ignorance than child cruelty; the rude red marks the teacher noticed on David’s back were the result of Chinese cupping therapy, not beating. David’s mum does it to relieve the stress the intensive further maths has created. But as she’s cupping the stress out of David’s back, Peter’s putting more back in again from the front. “104 x 106?” he barks, from the doorway.
There’s more gentle probing from behind the camera in the home of brothers Ethan, 11, and Kale, nine. “What’s life like at home with your mum?” “It’s like a jail,” says Ethan, without thinking. To be honest it doesn’t look one, or if it is they have a nice relationship with their single-mum jailer; but I’ll have bars put up here all the same, to be on the safe side.
And from 10-year-old Ieysaa’s father, I’m learning that no one must have any fun. He doesn’t get any enjoyment out of home-schooling his kids, they certainly don’t look as if they’re having much of a laugh, but that’s not what it – life – is about, is it?
Not that any of their methods seem to be working very well. In round one, general knowledge, Ieysaa doesn’t know that it was Henry I who ruled England from 1100 to 1135. Or much else actually, he scores one – ONE! – out of a possible 20. Ethan and Kale score four and three. Eleven-year-old Holly might be able to recite Pi to 122 places and be a prolific writer of fiction, but she doesn’t know that Las Meninas, as in Velázquez’s painting, means Maids of Honour, and she, too, scores three. David gets a just about creditable seven. But only 12-year-old Thomas, who knows very nearly everything, does really well, with 16. I’m beginning to worry that they’ve gone with the wrong children, and that by episode two next week, most of this lot will be out of the competition.
But after the fiendish memory round (basically they have to memorise the entire road map of Britain, in 10 minutes), only Ieysaa fails to make the cut, he’s one of four sent home early. Jesus, what’s that going to do to his confidence, he looks utterly crushed? No, it’s beneficial apparently, and will hold him in good stead for the future, says his dad/teacher.
That’s it, I’m convinced. Boys, put the cars away now (they’re going, for good, but I’ll wait until after bedtime to avoid unnecessary tears and because I’m a coward); I’ve got a new game, it’s called probability and statistics …
Not Safe For Work (Channel 4) has something of The Office about it, in that it’s set in an office, in an unglamorous town (Northampton, which won’t be pleased, is the new Slough), with staplers and awkwardness. Also something of W1A, in that it sends up an establishment – a government department. It doesn’t feel entirely original, though it does deal with public sector cuts and enforced unpopular relocating outside the capital.
There are nice ideas, many of which ring true. I like Danny (Sacha Dhawan) pretending to be a Muslim in order to get promoted way above either his talents or his work ethic deserves (he has zero of either). And Zawe Ashton’s Katherine is believable and thoroughly watchable. But it’s the awkwardness that prevails and I’m not sure it’s entirely intentional. Worth persevering with, but I’m yet to be convinced.
