Nov. 19--At least once a week, I get a call from my mom or one of my siblings asking if they can pick up my 4-year-old daughter for a lunch date -- or an "un-venture," as Gracie excitedly refers to them.
My extended family and I cherish these visits for many reasons. My brother loves the tradition that began one day when Gracie noticed him whistling on the drive to a restaurant. Now, he cranks up the car radio, whistles, then waits: It doesn't take long before Gracie happily joins him with high-pitched screeches from the backseat.
My sister giggles about the girlfriendlike conversations she and Gracie share over grilled cheese. Like the time she complimented Gracie for the way she's been sharing her things with her younger sister, and Gracie replied in all seriousness, "What do you think Santa's going to say? And the Easter Bunny?"
And my mom delights in the way Gracie tries to help her grandma pronounce words with less of a Filipino accent: "It's Ra-pun-zel, Grandma, not Ra-poon-zel."
But despite the sweet family bonding and exposure to culture and new places these excursions provide, in Gracie's mind, the best part of the un-ventures boil down to one thing: To her delight, more times than not, she gets a new toy.
At first, my husband, Shawn, and I didn't think much about the souvenirs. Grandparents, after all, have a long-standing reputation for spoiling their grandkids. Countless T-shirts, bumper stickers and wall hangings unapologetically declare it a birth right. And there's a reason why I Love My Aunt and I Love My Uncle T-shirts are popular.
Shawn and I reasoned that the souvenirs are just small symbols of the quality time shared with family. We're grateful to have such generous and involved relatives nearby, and also admit that we, too, can be guilty of allowing a small stuffed animal into the shopping cart because it's fun to see how much joy an extra few dollars can bring.
Recently, however, we've noticed that getting toys for no reason can backfire. For the past few weeks, every time we head to the grocery store, out to dinner, or even a museum with a gift shop, Gracie looks at us expectantly and asks, "What can I get?"
Shawn and I try to explain to Gracie that we are fortunate just to go out to eat, or to have money to shop or the time to spend together at a museum. But the lesson can only go so far when, two days later while we're at work, a relative takes her on an un-venture, then texts us photos of our grinning daughter with macaroni and cheese on the table and a new plush doll on her lap.
On several occasions, we've had to carry an inconsolable Gracie out of a store as she wails, "I want to get something!"
With the holidays around the corner, it feels more important than ever to find a balance between allowing family to show their love while staying true to values we hope to instill in our children.
Peggy Harper Lee, author of "Spoiled: Fresh Ideas for Parenting your Entitled Child at Any Age", said it's a delicate topic that she is asked about often.
Lee suggests reminding spouses, grandparents, aunts and uncles that they are all on the same team, then sharing the concern that the child is getting the wrong idea about their generous gifts. Young children who grow up with toys and other things handed to them may not learn how to deal with disappointment or the need for patience, Lee said.
"The trouble is, when we give them everything they want when they want it, then they have real trouble delaying gratification," Lee said. "Our goal is for them not to need us when they're 18. Sometimes we forget that in the process."
Experience gifts -- such as a hot-air balloon ride, or a regular tea party date each week -- are a great option, Lee said.
Generations ago, entitlement issues were not as much of a hot topic because parents had a more authoritarian approach to raising children. But as child-centered parenting became more common, there has been a noticeable shift in the way parents approach providing for their children, Lee said.
Richard and Linda Eyre, parenting consultants and the authors of "The Entitlement Trap," routinely ask parents who attend their seminars if they had jobs growing up. Most of the hands in the room go up in the air. But when the Eyres then ask how many of those parents have children who now work, few hands are raised.
"It just shows how in one generation, we go from a situation where kids had to work, or at least wanted to work, to a situation where no one does," Richard Eyre said.
And while families today certainly may have valid reasons for not asking children to work -- focusing on schoolwork, an increase in extracurricular activities, lack of flexible job opportunities, to name a few -- the downside is that children miss out on important lessons about working toward goals, Eyre said.
In "The Entitlement Trap," the Eyres go one step further, outlining an elaborate plan to create a family economy. Children, preferably beginning around age 7 or 8, are taught that they will earn payment for helpful jobs they perform around the house. Money earned can go into a family bank -- and earn interest -- or be used at their own discretion. Cash from grandma also can be deposited in the family bank, and children know from an early age that they will be expected to pay for a set percentage of their college, Eyre said.
"You're trying to create a family where it really mirrors the way the world works," Eyre said, adding that when families have systems like this in place, it becomes easier to keep relatives' spoiling in check.
"When they've done that, they find it quite easy to take the grandparents out to dinner and say, 'Look, here's the approach we're using with our kids, and would you help us with it?'"
Because my family is close and much less formal, I was grateful not to have to make the conversation a big deal.
My brother recently sent me a text asking to take Gracie to lunch. I texted back: "Sure. BUT NO TOYS."
I sent two more texts while they were out, just to drive home the point.
And when I got home from work that evening, I was happy to hear Gracie describe her fun lunch date, without being introduced to a new stuffed animal.
She did offer me a gummy worm, from a bag purchased with her uncle after lunch.
But in my generous extended family, that's still huge progress.
vortiz@tribpub.com
