Nov. 25--We gather around our Thanksgiving tables Thursday for turkey and dressing, thankfulness and peace -- and, inevitably, an argument or two.
Some families fall into the deep gravy bowl of political discussions. Others debate religion.
But almost every family will find itself embroiled in sports debates.
Here is a guide on how to avoid or dive head first into Thanksgiving arguments:
Argument 1, Grandma Gertie: "Did you see what that Cam Newton fellow did a few weeks ago? Dancing around like that in the end zone? I'm sick of thugs taking over the sport. It was never like that in my day."
Response A: Stuff two dinner rolls in either side of your cheeks to avoid dressing down your grandmother about her racial biases.
Response B: "Excuse me, Grandma. Haven't you recited the Super Bowl Shuffle at 30 straight Thanksgiving's? You didn't seem to mind the free-wheeling 'punkie QB' Jim McMahon showing off a bit. When did 'thugs' become known for their dance moves?" Punctuate your argument by dabbing right there at the dining room table.
Argument 2, Cousin Danny, visiting from Cleveland: "You guys in Chicago don't know your basketball. LeBron is way better than Jordan ever was."
Response A: Accompany your cousin into the living room to check the score of the Bears-Packers game before you engage in any Chicago sports trash talk.
Response B: Arrange six napkin rings around his plate. Let him draw his own conclusions.
Argument 3, Cousin Carol: "Honestly, if the Cutlers don't want to vaccinate their kids that's their personal choice."
Response A: Kick your spouse under the table and store this in the "Things I Will Vent About on the Drive Home" compartment of your brain.
Response B: Cough for 30 seconds on her mashed potatoes. "I hope you don't mind that personal choice I just made."
Argument 4, Uncle Salk: "I knew Patrick Kane would be proven innocent. Just another gold-digger after an athlete's money."
Response A: Stick stuffing in your ears to drown him out.
Response B: "I realize you're passionate about this team and player. But none of us knows what happened. The fact that charges were not filed against him is not the same as exoneration. It's not right to presume the guilt of either party. According to the Justice Department, 68 percent of sexual assaults are not reported to the police. This isn't about your favorite sports hero. Your instant connecting of dots between an allegation and fabrication makes it harder for all victims to come forward."
Argument 5, Grandpa Fred: "I just know the Cubs are going to blow it next year. The curse will never die."
Response A: This is going to go on awhile. Finish all the wine at the table, especially if a White Sox fan is adding fuel to the debate.
Response B: "Games 100 years ago have nothing to do with today. The Cubs won 97 games. They return their entire young core of hitters. They have pitchers and a strong manager. For once in your life, enjoy it."
Argument 7, Cousin Anne's New Boyfriend Tyler: "So when I got Tom Brady in my fantasy draft -- my team is called the Popped Collars, by the way -- I was like, 'Whoa, dude!'"
Response A: Remember next year to seat the new Boyfriend at the kids table.
Response B: "That's great Tyler, but I care so little about your fantasy sports obsession that I am actually consciously deciding to do this." Turn to left and ask, "So Aunt Mary, please tell me more about your podiatrist and what he said about your corns."
Here's to a peaceful Thanksgiving -- or fruitful debates.
sryan@tribpub.com
