May 25--I've spent a lot of time worrying about climate change. The threat of rising oceans, extreme weather conditions and smug environmentalists screaming "SEE, I TOLD YOU SO!!" as the last bit of Florida sinks into the Atlantic is enough to keep any rational person up at night.
But a recent headline may have changed my perspective. It read: "Love in the time of climate change: Grizzlies and polar bears are now mating."
That's right, folks. Two different types of bears are having illicit bear sex to create a third type of creature: a pizzly bear. It's a grizzly bear who doesn't complain about snow and has an odd affinity for Coca-Cola products.
According to the Washington Post story on this development, climate change has been shrinking polar bear territory -- icy areas with easy access to delectable seals and walruses -- and expanding the non-icy land that grizzly bears enjoy. This makes me think seals and walruses might be behind climate change, but that's an investigation for another day.
The looming question is: What does this intraspecies mixing portend?
The story says there's "a good chance grizzlies could essentially dilute the polar bear population until it doesn't exist at all."
That would be bad news for humans who admire the white Arctic carnivores, and even worse news for the extinction-eligible polar bears themselves. (For the record, I am and always have been #TeamGrizzly.)
On the plus side, we would have pizzly bears, which offer not only a refreshing reboot of an aging species but also an entirely new line for stuffed animal manufacturers to market.
Suddenly an environmental catastrophe starts to sound more like an environmental catastropportunity.
That got me thinking: Perhaps before we completely condemn this climate change phenomenon we should consider the potential advantages or arbitrary amusement it might bring.
Don't freak out and start protesting outside the Tribune Tower and spreading mean rumors about me in the aisles of area Whole Foods. I'm not saying we shouldn't care about climate change, just that maybe we should stall a bit on trying to halt it so we can see if any other cool animal combos develop.
For example, the National Wildlife Federation's website says that "salmon are our 'canary in the coalmine,' alerting us to the impact of climate change on the health of our entire ecosystem."
If smaller snowpacks start causing rivers to dry up, these tasty fish are going to find themselves A LOT closer to other creatures, like wolves and eagles. Who knows what kind of passion might bubble up in the midst of aquatic desperation.
I don't know about you, but I'd pay pretty good money to see a salmon-wolf.
And the result of an eagle/salmon romance would produce not only a fascinating attraction for birdwatchers but a good excuse, at long last, to eat a bald eagle. (The most patriotic of dishes.)
Alligators have been known to come ashore and gobble up the small dogs of lakefront dwellers. As the lakes shrink to puddles and poodles claim the territory once ruled by reptiles, perhaps we'll be blessed with the arrival of alligoodles, curly haired house pets with inordinately sharp teeth and a taste for other house pets.
(If you're wondering exactly how the breeding of different species would work, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER, YOU ANIMAL PERVERT! Just assume this is how nature works and go with it.)
Now not all climate-change-induced animal abominations would be for our entertainment. Some would be practical.
If fires on dry cattle grazing land out West forced herds closer to commercial hog farms we might end up with cowpigs, saving us the burdensome task of putting bacon on our burgers. (It would also be handy if we could create some sparks between an environmentally displaced Aberdeen Angus cow and a block of cheddar cheese.)
The possibilities are endless. As the nation's coastlines creep inland, we can bolster our military with man-sharks. Suburban deer-cats will be less skittish and more curious and aloof. Parks will be filled with lumbering squirrel-turtles -- or squirtles -- and pigeons, which will still just be pigeons because no other creature on Earth would mate with those winged atrocities.
I guess what I'm saying is the very existence of pizzly bears shows that our slow but steady destruction of the planet may have a bright side.
Dreams of a world filled with alligoodles and cowpigs might seem unserious. But many are unserious when it comes to climate change.
Let the woe peddlers wallow in fear. The rest of us will soar above the blighted prairies and eroded beaches of America, on wings (and fins) of salmon-eagles.
rhuppke@tribpub.com
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