Dec. 22--Let the chestnuts roast and give the little drummer boy a rest. When carolers hit the streets this year, let them sing instead of Adele, the new "Star Wars," the mess in Springfield, Chicago's red light cameras, corporate merger mania and more.
Do you hear what I hear?
"What Can I Buy My Wife Now?
(Sung to "The First Noel")
Adele, Adele, your concerts sold out
So much for Christmas this year at my house
My wife, the fan, said she understood
So I'm under pressure to buy something as good.
Adele, Adele, oh well, Adele
Your "Hello" song had me at "Hell..."
"Rauner the Wealthy Gov'nor"
(Sung to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")
Rauner the wealthy gov'nor
Wants you to understand
Why he won't sign a budget
It's part of a simple plan
If you rely on state funds
You will just have to wait
He will not free up money
Till unions are shown the gate
This may prove a hardship
For those who aren't so well off
Some may not have all that they need
But Rauner's had enough
Rauner believes he's blameless
Madigan feels the same
This state sinks ever deeper
Because they enjoy the game
"At Least I Get Airline Miles"
(Sung to "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen")
God bless you, trusty Visa card
What else is there to say?
I can't afford the things I've bought
Your bills I cannot pay
I'm up now for promotion
Or at least that's what they say
And I might just be in the black by May
OK?
"Wrigley Field Video Screen"
(Sung to "O Little Town of Bethlehem")
Wrigley Field vid-e-o screen
You're big and blinding bright
You show us replays, ads and stats
You warm us on cold nights
Your images entrance us
That's why I never saw
The foul ball line drive hit my way
Thanks for the fractured jaw
"Cameras Focused on the Bottom Line"
(Sung to "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
If you don't stay home
They're gonna get you
Chicago is broke and needs revenue
From cameras focused on the bottom line
By neighborhood schools
And lights that turn red
The city ensures its coffers are fed
With cameras focused on the bottom line
So many cameras out there
Recording every day
But not all crimes on video
Get released without delay
Safety's important
Justice less so
Don't question the process
Just send in your dough
For cameras focused on the bottom line
"Office Party"
(Sung to "Silver Bells")
I just slur now, it's a blur now
I'm about to throw up
I feel good about our office party
Till it's over and I'm sober
And I fear what I've done
Did I say, do and flash all of that?
Out of work, out of work
Why would I say that to my boss?
This can't be, let me see
No, you are right, it's a shame
"Please Don't Spoil It"
(Sung to "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")
Please! No spoilers for the new "Star Wars"
I won't get to see it till next week
I'm a dad, so help me guys
I'm trying to be nice
My kids have zero interest
So I've seen the Chipmunks twice
Please -- la, la, la, la, la -- new "Star Wars"
I don't want to know what you just said
Believe me when I sing
I better not hear a thing
Someone tells me details, they are dead
Mike Madigan, Mike Madigan
(Sung to the tune of "O Tannenbaum")
Mike Madigan, Mike Madigan
Keeps filling up his war chest
Mike Madigan, Mike Madigan
Protecting special interests
Watch the House, see nothing moves
Till he has signaled he approves
Mike Madigan, Mike Madigan
Shows them who's boss in Springfield
Pick up a pen, write Madigan
Tell him that this cannot wait
Tell Madigan, you're mad and then
Complain about the stalemate
Governors come and governors go
That top job is just for show
Time and again, Mike Madigan
Shows them who's boss in Springfield
"Where's Our Xbox?"
(Sung to "Joy to the World")
Where's our Xbox?
Our children asked
Were we not well-behaved?
Though Santa didn't flinch
As parents, we still winced
And hoped that they'd forget
And hoped that they'd forget
"Guess Santa saw something bad and that was it."
"Somewhere in a Boardroom"
(Sung to "Away in a Manger")
Somewhere in a boardroom, not near factories
A merger is being discussed quietly
Executives prosper, jobs will go away
That is what passes for growth here today
Bosses get parachutes, workers just tossed
Shareholders count what they've won, not what's lost
Towns that get hit hard and crushed families
From closures and cuts and jobs sent overseas
Years after a merger, you might ask what for
The debt load is crushing and sales may not soar
Perhaps there's a ledger we someday may see
That justifies all of this awful debris
Merry Christmas, everybody.
philrosenthal@tribpub.com
