Jan. 05--Oh, Brian Urlacher. Do you have any idea what you've done?
The former Chicago Bears star has gained a full head of hair and given up the sort of distinctive look so coveted in the ad game in which he now plays.
Bald is beautiful, and he wore it in the public eye for more than a decade like a combat helmet, its menacing aura disarmed by a sly grin or wide-eyed glance as needed for Xfinity, Xbox One and x-number of other brands and products he has hawked.
Four thousand transplanted follicles later, he looks downright ordinary. He might as well be Jake from State Farm.
Let's be clear, everyone: Follicle follies or not, Urlacher could still beat the snot out of someone like me. (Note to Urlacher: Please don't beat the snot out of me.)
I'm just saying that he's risking a persona built up over his 13-season Hall of Fame-worthy NFL career, no mean feat between the number of players and all the armor that separates players from fans.
His hairless pate was a big part of that. It conveyed toughness, strength, power.
Ever see a picture of Vin Diesel with hair? It definitely costs him octane. Michael Jordan may fiddle with his facial fuzz but stays on top by not messing with what's up top.
Urlacher with hair is less Pitbull than puppy.
This doesn't necessarily spell the end of Urlacher as adman. We live in an age where personal transformations are celebrated.
But an on-screen identifier might help, because recognizing the ex-linebacker will take a moment, just like when Billy Zane or Stanley Tucci disappears into a role under a wig. Adjustments to both material and merchandise also may be useful.
Part of the joke of an Old Spice Swagger ad a while back was that Urlacher was depicted as a skinny long-haired teen geek, ridiculed even by other outcasts, who blossomed into an exemplar of a big macho tough guy, at least on the outside.
It's going to take a whole lot of Swagger to pull that off now, based on what Urlacher showed Tuesday on WGN-Ch. 9's morning newscast, unveiling his new hairline to the world.
"You look so ferocious on the left," WGN's Pat Tomasulo, seemingly taken aback, said to Urlacher as an old picture of Bald Brian smiling was paired with a live shot of Big Guy With Hair. "You almost look gentle on the right. You're almost not frightening."
For those not sitting next to the man, there was no "almost" about it.
"He looks cuddly," colleague Robin Baumgarten volunteered from the anchor desk, and viewers everywhere surely nodded.
So much for the pitchman for Vitamin Water once depicted teaming with baseball slugger David Ortiz in a badminton match that ended with the shuttlecock wedged in an opponent's leg.
Hello, new Snuggle the fabric softener bear?
"I was happy to be bald," Urlacher told Tomasulo. "I had a good-shaped bald head, which is a good thing, and I had been bald my whole life. ... I hadn't seen myself with hair since probably high school, maybe college, so it was a little different."
Urlacher said the process of shifting follicles from the back of his head began in November 2014. He hid the work under his hat, and he has had a full head of hair for about four months. It is not without inconvenience.
"My showers take longer," he said. "I have to leave time to comb it, sometimes put gel in it."
Just showing he cares enough about his lack of hair to do something about it betrays a certain sensitive vulnerability that undercuts his old image.
But it does open up the possibility of becoming a commercial spokesman for any number of gels, combs, brushes, shampoos and conditioners.
Plus, hair turns gray, so maybe he can horn in on the Just for Men gravy train and appear in cheesy hair dye ads with ex-jocks Keith Hernandez, Emmitt Smith and Walt Frazier.
"I know it looks a little better because I was driving through a fast-food restaurant one day and I had my hat off by accident," Urlacher said of his newly hirsute appearance. "I was getting food and this girl goes, 'You look like Brian Urlacher, but he's a lot younger-looking than you.'"
Then he caught himself. "I mean a lot older-looking than you."
Either way, why settle for looking like Brian Urlacher when it's possible to look exactly like Brian Urlacher?
philrosenthal@tribpub.com
