Jan. 27--You can tell a lot about modern children by reading the Internet, especially what kind of adults they'll become.
Shiftless, entitled basement dwellers, mostly. Unless they're stubborn. Stubborn kids are natural born leaders, according to that one post. Or was it stubborn kids are more likely to end up in prison? Both, maybe.
It's hard to keep track of the latest research. This week alone, we've learned that modern kids would rather live in their parents' basement than earn money (so long, capitalism), that childhood rule-breaking and defiance are predictors of high income in adulthood, and that 65 percent of kids will grow up to adopt their parents' political affiliations.
Isn't this fun? Who wants to embrace children as individuals whose lives will take 100 different turns on the way to adulthood -- and may well take a few dozen more once they arrive? Lame!
We Americans predict everything from the Iowa caucuses to the Super Bowl victor to Bachelor Ben's bride. Why not our kids' futures? Here are my (not at all) scientific theories.
--If your child won't allow two different foods -- even from the same food group -- to touch each other on her plate, she will open a concept restaurant in Logan Square that serves nothing but peeled, locally sourced apples and free-range, gluten-free chicken nuggets. (On separate plates, obviously.) Lines will snake around the block.
--If your child would rather live in squalor than pick his coat off the floor, put his dirty clothes in the hamper, hang up a wet towel or reshelve a single book, toy, gadget or art supply, he will grow up to star on an HGTV show called "Love It or Leave It On The Floor: Whatever, Your Mom Will Pick It Up." (Or a slumlord. Could go either way.)
--If your child offers one-word replies to inquiries about everything from how his day was at school ("fine") to what he wants for dinner ("whatever"), he will become a Trappist monk.
--If your child can go effortlessly and happily from running club to yoga class to gymnastics practice, but can't summon the energy to select her own socks, she will be the founder and CEO of a highly profitable startup that dispatches wardrobe consultants to people's homes to carefully lay out their outfits each morning.
--If your child refuses to wear pants that button, he will work at Google.
--If your child picks on his siblings mercilessly but cries foul when one of them returns the taunts, he will run for president one day and back out of any debate moderated by Megyn Kelly. (Or her offspring.)
hstevens@tribpub.com
