Dec. 31--Tradition demands a return to the once coveted "Bernies," the annual awards given to those who best demonstrated just what kind of year it was in the wide, wonderful world of games.
If Movies Could See Tomorrow, We Would be Wearing Silver Sweat Pants, Riding Hoverboards and Talking Into Our Wristwatches: Oh, Wait, We Are Award -- To "Back to the Future II" for predicting the Cubs would win the World Series in 2015.
The John Prine All the Snow Has Turned to Water Award -- To the Stanley Cup champion Blackhawks for selling melted home ice as souvenirs.
And Only in Year End Sum Ups Like This One Will You Find Her Award -- To U.S. Women's soccer whiz Carli Lloyd for scoring three World Cup goals faster than you can say "Is that Carly with a 'y' or Carli with an 'i'?" You know, just for the record.
To Have a Resurgence Shouldn't You Have Had a Surge? Award -- To Bears quarterback Jay Cutler for being almost what he was supposed to be all along, not that it mattered. And a special Nostalgia Overdose Relief Award to the '85 Bears who won't need to be celebrated again for five more years.
Listen, Only Three Members of the Dream Team were Overall No. 1 Draft Picks, and Patrick Ewing Never Won a Title Award -- To the 76ers for losing on purpose.
Hey, This Looks Just Like One of our Home Crowds Award -- To the White Sox who played at the Baltimore Orioles before an empty stadium.
They Ought to Just Change the Name to Hall of Some and Be Done With It Award -- To baseball where the player with the most hits, Pete Rose, most home runs, Barry Bonds, third most strike outs and most Cy Young awards, Roger Clemens, can not get into the Hall of Fame.
The Only Thing Worse Than Track is Field, Except in Moscow Where Both Are Guilty Award -- To the Russian athletes banned from all international competition for doping.
No Smoking, No Autographs, No Children Award -- To postgame interview sessions where athletes think it is proper and cute to expose their offspring to sweaty, beefy, deadline-anxious low-lifes; you know, the press.
That's the Way the Cookie, and by Cookie We Mean the Bulls, Crumbles Award -- To the local NBA team for making discarded coach Tom Thibodeau look like the master manager he was and Fred Hoiberg more and more like a stock room clerk.
If a Horse Only Needs Three Races to be Immortal, Why do Tennis Players and Golfers Need Four? Award -- To Serena Williams just missing a Grand Slam and Jordan Spieth, for reminding us when Tiger Woods held all four major golf titles at once.
And Speaking of Horses, We Won't Need to Get This Excited Again until 2052 Award -- To American Pharoah for becoming the first horse to win racing's Triple Crown in 37 years.
Hey, You on the John Deere Lawn Tractor, Wanna Race? Award -- To the Zamboni driver at a pee wee hockey game in Apple Valley, Minn., arrested for drunk driving on the arena ice.
Ain't Fame a Kick in the Head Award -- To Ronda Rousey, the world's most overhyped mixed martial arts fighter, Rolling Stone's "the world's most dangerous woman", and ESPN's "Best Female Athlete Ever," knocked unconscious and hospitalized by Holly Holm.
Don't Bother Us with Soccer Skullduggery When We've Got Deflategate to Worry About Award -- To FIFA, Sepp Blatter and assorted other scoundrels for soiling Pele's Beautiful Game.
The Worst Super Bowl Call Since, No, Wait, There Never Has Been One Close to This Stupid Before Award -- To Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll for not giving the ball to unstoppable Marshawn Lynch at the goal line.
Don't Use the Word Juggernaut Unless You Really Mean It Award -- To the Cubs' eventful offseason and especially to devotees of the Cubs who, like the original juggernaut worshipers, get crushed under its wheels.
I've Written Three and They Don't Get Any Easier Award -- To the many pals and press box companions who have said goodbye in columns that were inevitably poignant and obligatory, fond farewells not only to careers but to true journalism. Blog on, my friends, blog on.
Bernie Lincicome is a special contributor to the Chicago Tribune.
