CHIC
Church merch
Give us this day our daily threads. Kanye West sold ‘Holy Spirit’ and ‘Sunday Service at the Mountain’ hoodies and T-shirts at Coachella to his church congregation. $50 for a pair of socks gets you closer to God, apparently.
Meadow Soprano
Meadow Soprano mafia-bossed that show, being iconic in chokers and band T-shirts with her poker-straight hair (very Prada). Underrated in her day, much like Robbie and Kylie’s seminal duet, ‘Kids’, it’s time to reprise her look.
Cruising
First Kristen Stewart and Stella Maxwell were caught snogging on a yacht in Italian waters.
Next, newly single Miley Cyrus tongued Kaitlynn Carter under a large sunhat on a boat on Lake Como, making us all want a personal sexual revolution. Set sail for a P&O-pen relationship.
Hot girl autumn
Is that layer between undies and knitwear unhappening? Mary-Kate Olsen has been papped with a cardigan around her waist with her torso threaded through the neck-hole. And Katie Holmes (right) isn’t wearing anything under knitwear unless it’s a woollen bra. What fresh anarchy is this?
Tinnies
Could Diane Abbott and the sexy Fleabag vicar be any more AW19? Tinnies featured on the Balenciaga catwalk, stuffed into the brand’s new rectangular phone bag.
Dining alone at home
Nothing tastes as good as instant noodles with a fried egg and hot sauce. Nothing feels as good as EastEnders with no annoying interruptions. And bedtime without negotiation is a big mood.
Rabble
Remember the deep, deep shame of being picked last for games at school? Relive your childhood trauma with Rabble, the new It-HIIT workout, which ‘disguises’ the pain of exercising via playing school games. Maybe your teenage metabolism will come back too?
TRAGIQUE
Buying stuff
Getting to the till is ovah. That’s according to Anna Sorokin, who set a precedent for how to live the high life when she took to the stand at her trial for fraud wearing Miu Miu. The question is, did she buy it? Grand larceny be damned.
Teensy little micro bags
Can’t think of a single use for them apart from holding 100ml of airport cosmetics. A secondary bag is needed at all times. Make it stop.
Leather sweats
While hypebeasts talc their legs like Ross from Friends (surely?), the rest of us should forgo the top-to-toe leather looks seen on the catwalk. Dressing like jerky and sweating while standing still isn’t chic in the slightest.
Misuse of the word Express
There’s nothing slower than a self-service Tesco.
Buckles
Forget fiddly buckles that require the dexterous patience of a saint. Who among us is above the time-saving, buckle-free ease of Prada’s Velcro sandals?
The Amalfi Coast
We all want holidays that re-enact The Talented Mr Ripley (bonus points for wearing a Marge Sherwood Alice band), but the Amalfi has gone a bit mainstream. These days it’s all influencers in highlighter dresses taking flat lays of pomodoro while their SPF curdles. Go Hydra or go home.
