DO YOU REALLY LOVE THE LAMP OR ARE YOU JUST SAYING IT BECAUSE YOU SAW IT?
Having spent 13 years as a player at Chelsea, Frank Lampard really knows the club’s DNA. Swab its saliva with one of those cotton bud thingummies, stick the sample under a microscope and he would be able to identify that particular deoxyribonucleic acid in a heartbeat, even if the teeny, tiny Ron “Chopper” Harrises and Po’ John Terrys patrolling those double helix spirals, unceremoniously booting any rogue sugar or phosphate molecules, might be a little bit of a giveaway.
And now, due almost entirely to his intimate knowledge of this hereditary material, Lampard has been unveiled as Chelsea’s new manager following a minor delay prompted by technical shortcomings on FaceSpace and its disgraceful social media cousins, which meant they would have missed out on those all-important clicks. With just one season’s worth of gaffering experience with Frank Lampard’s Derby County under his belt, the club have taken a punt on their record goalscorer to pick up where chain-smoking Italian curmudgeon Maurizio Sarri left off.
“I am immensely proud to be returning to [Frank Lampard’s] Chelsea as head coach,” cheered FLC’s Frank Lampard, beaming with pen poised over a three-year contract worth £4m per year. Noticing the new manager had brought along an orange root vegetable with a green stalk attached to a stick with a piece of string, the interest of a reporter from FLC’s in-house propaganda wing, Pravda, was understandably piqued. “I want to work with those players,” he tooted of FLC’s swollen ranks of academy players who never actually get to play for the club. “I want to dangle the carrot. Can you work hard? Can you compete? Can you get in the team?”
With FLC banned from signing new players, their youngsters will never have a better chance of grabbing that carrot and their new boss will have his work cut out. But his popularity among FLC fans and a press pack which will almost certainly find somebody else to blame for anything that might go wrong early doors, will undoubtedly stand him in good stead. Indeed, being a likable club legend rather than an unloved 60-year-old Italian former banker means he has already got off to the perfect start. But while while we can only speculate over whether he’ll be able to emulate the largely unappreciated success of his predecessor, one suspects the latest addition to the extensive Stamford Bridge managerial DNA database will be given every chance.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“These are my watches, give me my watches. It’s important for me. I worked in the watch industry and I made my collection. Forty-one years they were [at Fifa], I could have taken them home, a long time ago. Why are they fighting for these watches? There is no respect, there is no respect by the president [Gianni Infantino]” – Sepp Blatter launches legal proceeding against Fifa for… and you’ll like this … “moral damage” and to reclaim around 60 of his watches.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly Extra will be in this general vicinity.
FIVER LETTERS
“I (and 1,056 other Americans) must ask: how can it be a rivalry when neither your women nor your men can beat the USA! USA!! USA!!! when it matters in a World Cup. PS. Happy Independence Day” – James Armstrong (and no other Americans).
“It’s not often I agree with The Fiver, but the comparison of England’s defence to a ‘portcullis’ (yesterday’s Fiver) seemed to be spot on, given that both are comprised largely of holes. Too soon?” – Paul Dixon.
“I’ve no problem with Arsenal paying ‘Argos-style’ payments (yesterday’s Fiver letters), or the never-never as older (ahem) readers may recall, but there is no discount and 30% APR is bunged on top. The £80m ‘Zaha’ would cost only £2.4m per month over five years. The real question is: would Arsenal pass the loan affordability tests or do they know a desperate noodle company?” – Antony Melvin.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Paul Dixon.
BITS AND BOBS
Manchester City have broken their transfer record with the £62.8m signing of Rodri from Atlético Madrid. “It’s a style that excites me, as do the club’s ambitions boyo,” he cheered.
Daniëlle van de Donk reckons confidence’s USA! USA!! USA!!! will underestimate them before Sunday’s World Cup final. “I don’t think they think we’re that good,” she sniffed as Alex Morgan worked on a clog-mocking, dam-plugging, spliff-toking hybrid celebration.
Modern football dept: Ayoze Pérez is now a £30m footballer, after Leicester activated his Newcastle ejector clause.
The Old Man of Turin has successfully coughed for the Old Lady’s doctor, meaning Gianluigi Buffon, 84, is once against a Juventus player.
Andre Gomes says he’s happier at Everton than Barcelona because there’s less pressure playing alongside Cenk Tosun than Lionel Messi. “I played with the best players in the world at Barcelona … but the opportunity at Everton was really good,” he quickly added.
And Peru will be the next set of Brazil’s opponents to be getting fresh and funky with the referee after beating Chile 3-0 to reach the Copa América final.
STILL WANT MORE?
Afghanistan women’s coach Kelly Lindsey on the blatant disregard for the protection of women and girls in football and a culture that needs to change.
Dominic Fifield on the challenge facing FLC’s Frank Lampard.
Does João Félix’s mega-money move to Atlético spell the end of Diego Simeone’s “Cholismo” era? Sid Lowe asks and answers the question.
The Serie A team of the 1980s.
Women’s World Cup finals and a DJ-ing referee are among the visual treats in this week’s Classic YouTube.
USA! USA!! USA!!! deserve to be on a podium not a pedestal, reckons Beau Dure, reminding us that well-behaved women rarely make history.
Eni Aluko on what Phil Neville got wrong in England’s semi-final defeat. And Hope Solo on what USA! USA!! USA!!! got right.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
