“To be honest, I’m not too optimistic,” says Jenny Willott. The Liberal Democrat MP for Cardiff Central isn’t talking about retaining her seat, though she admits it is going to be tight – “it could come down to a few hundred votes either way” – but of Nick Clegg cooking a decent curry at the Dabbawalla Indian restaurant, where the Lib Dem battle bus, aka Plucky, is due at lunchtime. “Still,” she adds, “I’m sure Miriam will be made to try it first.”
Every journey has to have a beginning and an end, and the Lib Dems have decided that Plucky’s should begin at Land’s End at dawn on Tuesday and end at John O’Groats late on Wednesday. No one is too sure whether the journey is more symbolic or futile. Some more cynical members of the entourage have wondered if it is a chance for everyone to say goodbye to Danny Alexander, who is expected to lose his Inverness seat.
Plucky’s timekeeping has always been a bit iffy throughout the campaign and is again proving reliably unreliable. The Lib Dem leader has often looked unnaturally zen for a man whose party is likely to lose about half its seats and he again looks totally chilled when he finally turns up half an hour late. For once, though, Clegg may actually have something to smile about. Polls suggest he is going to hang on to his seat in Sheffield Hallam and the Times (more guardedly) and the Independent (enthusiastic) have given him an editorial thumbs-up.
Clegg’s new pledge is that unless the Lib Dems are part of a new coalition, then the country is doomed to another general election by the end of the year. From the expression on his wife Miriam’s face, this is something she could do without even more than the rest of us.
“The Lib Dems are the party of stability and unity,” he declares. Though he’s got a funny way of showing it.
For a man who is recreating himself as a kingmaker coming in peace, he rubbishes each of the other parties in turn, making it hard to imagine just who he might make a deal with. Though as a man committed to equal opportunities, the answer is almost certainly anyone.
If this were a Conservative or Labour event, the fun – such as it has been – would be over by now. The party apparatchiks would have taken over and Nick and Miriam would never have been seen again by anyone who could possibly be considered awkward.
Thankfully, it is the Lib Dems and the event quickly lurches towards chaos. Miriam does the unthinkable for a party leader’s wife and is left to chat to party workers on her own, while Nick is taken off to the kitchen to knock up a Welsh lamb bhuna. There has been a quick change of menu. There were no Welsh chickens to hand, so the chicken jalfrezi was put on hold.
Four-feet-high flames shoot into the air when Nick gets his hands on the frying pan. Apparently this is totally normal. A few minutes later, a small bowl of lamb bhuna appears. “Mmm, delicious,” says Miriam, not entirely convinced. “Very good,” agrees restaurant owner Shaz Haris.
This bowl is not for public consumption. The restaurant has wisely prepared a different menu for the 68 Lib Dem activists and weary battle bus travellers. Amazingly, though, the bowl is just put to one side of the kitchen without a minder. So the Times sketch writer, Ann Treneman, and I grab it to put it through our own Masterchef analysis.
“Too salty,” I say.
“It’s not the salt. It’s the garlic.”
We rope in two of the restaurant’s chefs to give their opinion. “Too salty,” says one. “Too garlicky,” says the other. So we were both a bit right, which is about perfect for a Lib Dem event. One chef offers a mark of 7/10; the other clearly thinks this is on the high side but is reluctant to commit to a figure. He could be a politician.
They say lightning never strikes twice. Don’t believe it. Nick has a second stab at cooking lamb bhuna and the bowl is once again left unattended at the back of the kitchen. So Ann and I grab it.
“This is much better,” say both the chefs, unprompted. Ann and I agree.
“So,” says the Lib Dem press officer once the battle bus has left for Solihull, its next stop. “Did this event say ‘Stronger Economy, Fairer Society’ to you?”
“No,” I reply. “But it did say that Nick can learn from his mistakes.”
And if he finds himself out of a job on Friday, there’s another career waiting for him at the Dabbawalla.
