MIDLANDS MINNOW MAYHEM (PT. XXXVIII IN AN ONGOING SERIES)
You may recall, with a shrug or heavy sigh, The Fiver banging on yesterday about erstwhile Aston Villa boss Ron Saunders. There he was, February 1982, storming off in high dudgeon, nine months after winning Villa’s first title in 71 years, his face red-hot with the funk after being refused a few extra quid for his troubles. We continue the story today, not with Saunders rocking up at Birmingham City and eventually getting them relegated, but with Villa replacing him with Tony Barton, who three months later won Big Cup. Barton had been previously unheralded outside of close club circles, to the extent of his name being omitted in the Big Cup final programme, kitman Roy McLaren earning a namecheck instead.
The parallels between Villa ’82 and Leicester ’17 are obvious, with the Foxes seeing off Claudio Ranieri and Sevilla in quick succession. With Leicester having reached the quarters of Big Cup, it’s now permissible to dream. The Fiver is pretty sure Craig Shakespeare would happily settle for being overlooked in this year’s final matchday souvenir in favour of the club kitman, the club lavatory attendant, hell even the club Twitter account b@nter executive, if it meant Leicester were competing in Cardiff come June.
That might sound like a pipe dream right now, with the likes of 11-time champions Real Madrid, 10-goal Arsenal botherers Bayern Munich, and the seemingly indestructible Barcelona also in the last-eight pot. And yet the big clubs are wary of sailing into uncharted waters in the Midlands. “Who do I prefer not to play? Leicester!” gulped Juventus keeper Gianluigi Buffon, after his team yawned past Porto. “They are a dangerous and passionate team who can cause trouble for opponents who take the initiative. We would have everything to lose.” Buffon’s fear of English minnows is no doubt informed by watching in horror as Juve were thrashed by Fulham during Euro Vase in 2010. But his logic is nevertheless sound, and you can be sure the other giants will be equally suspicious of the things they don’t know. Even if they don’t wake up every other night like poor Gianluigi, pyjamas soaked through, having been chased over fields of broken glass in their dreams by Mr Roy.
Meanwhile tonight, behemoths Manchester City look to get past Monaco and join Leicester in the quarters. Do you think Buffon and his ilk will be equally concerned over the prospect of facing a team with John Stones in the middle of their defence? The Fiver will bring you all those quotes tomorrow, should City prevail, and should anyone make them.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I thought I have to leave otherwise I would be shot. I decided overnight. I didn’t tell anyone I was going, just my father and my mother. It was a very tough time. I didn’t know what to pack. I didn’t know when I would come back or where I would end up. I just took my bag with my computer and one picture of the team. I didn’t take my football kit. I took nothing else” – Khalida Popal, once the face of women’s football in Afghanistan, talks about death threats, fleeing to Denmark and defying a tikka-tinged American golfer.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: yesterday’s Fiver. To be fair to Agent (Ron) Saunders, he did also manage to get Villa’s local rivals Birmingham relegated. Before helpfully relegating our other rivals, West Brom too. That’s dedication to the Villa cause. So keeping the car was the least he should have expected” – Antony T.
“Can I be one of 1,057 Leicester fans to pen a gloating response to your 1-3 (agg: 2-5) loss prediction for City against Sevilla (yesterday’s Fiver). Can I ask you to kindly foresee a 2-5 reversal in the quarters against whoever we draw? We’re not Arsenal, we can take it” – Rod de Lisle (and no other gloating Leicester fans).
“I worked in Stoke for a year. So when Wilfred Bony (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) said ‘I wonder why I came here’, he can be assured that many before him have asked the same question” – Robert Darby.
“I thought I’d better do this before he gets the sack – even Steve Gibson’s patience has a limit – but does anyone else remember Chaz Jankel’s Ai No Corrida? And therefore cannot hear the name Aitor Karanka without wanting to sing it?” – Dr Dave.
“Re: Sid McDonnell’s query as to how to unsubscribe from Noble Francis letters (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Easy, just unsubscribe from The Fiver. That way you get the added bonus of unsubscribing from The Fiver. Two birds, one stone and all that” – Toby Beels.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Toby Beels.
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BITS AND BOBS
Manchester United boss José Mourinho is still feeling a bit funky, shifting his ire towards a perceived jealousy of Paul Pogba. “I feel that the world is losing values and I am scared about the level of envy coming in,” sniffed a manager steeped in values. “It is not Paul’s fault that he gets 10 times the money some players did in the past. It is not his fault that some pundits are in real trouble with their lives and need every coin to survive, while Paul is a multi-millionaire. I think Paul deserves respect. And the best thing is that because of his personality he doesn’t give an [ess] to what people say about him.”
AFC Wimbledon now lie six points clear of MK Dons in League One after a 2-0 home win on Tuesday night. “It’s so important to our fans,” cheered manager Neal Ardley. “It’s hard when you have something that’s so harsh done to you. It sticks and I don’t think it’s going to go away for a long time. I don’t think it’ll be any less intense in the future.” Something, something, Kingstoni [Snip – Fiver Narrative Ed].
Five of Europe’s biggest clubs – plus Spurs – are set to take part in a six-team, pre-season tournament in the USA! USA!! USA!!! this summer.
Everton forward Romelu Lukaku doesn’t look like he’s going to sign a new deal, but the club’s majority shareholder Farhad Moshiri is fronting it out. “It’s not an issue,” he tooted. “The club is confident with the strong relationship it has with the player.”
Dortmund midfielder Mario Götze will miss the rest of the season while he receives treatment for “metabolic disturbances”.
And Big Paper/Website’s Daniel Taylor has been named news reporter and sports journalist of the year at the Press Awards.
STILL WANT MORE?
Who are football’s most successful managers after a vote of confidence? The Knowledge has the answer.
Barney Ronay on Jamie Vardy’s nasty side and Wes Morgan’s thighs.
Monaco are out to restore French football’s pride against Manchester City after a rough week, reports Paul Doyle.
Martin Laurence picks the outsiders most deserving an England call-up.
The radical, contrary Chinese football fans who support Japanese opponents. By Cameron Wilson.
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