ANATOMICAL ODDITIES
As an almost lone sensible influence in a hilariously dysfunctional set-up, Charlie Austin performed the Lisa Simpson role to perfection for Queens Park Rangers last season, being so convincing that, sadly, he never had to reinforce the point by appearing at Loftus Road in a strapless red dress. Nor, so far as the Fiver knows, has he ever turned up for matches in Soviet military clobber, which is just one of the ways in which he differs from West Ham co-owner David Sullivan. Another distinction between the pair that emerged overnight relates to their estimation of Austin’s worth and well-being.
One of QPR’s quirky habits in recent years has been to pay astronomical salaries to several anatomical oddities, players who are devoid of heart, guts and balls. And now we are told – by no less an authority than the joint-chairman of an entirely different club – that Austin may be the biggest curiosity of all, for according to Sullivan, there are suggestions that Austin outscored the likes of Wayne Rooney, Olivier Giroud and Romelu Lukaku in last term’s Premier League despite having no ligaments in his knees!
Sullivan chucked out that rumour during an interview with KUMB, which, although it sounds like the sort of publication from which the former bongo peddler made his fortune, is a West Ham fans’ podcast. While explaining why his club were not pursuing Austin despite being in urgent need of a regular goal-getter, Sullivan said that West Ham’s previous misfortune with strikers such as Andy Carroll and Dean Ashton has led them to be ultra-cautious when it comes to players’ medical conditions, although apparently not so cautious as to refrain from publicly discussing players’ medical conditions without any first-hand knowledge of them. “He failed a medical at Hull a couple of years ago,” said Sullivan before venturing: “They say he has no ligaments in his knee, who knows? To sign a player for £15m is a big risk. He could go on for years but knowing our luck his knee will go in his first game and that’s the end of it.”
Austin was not best pleased by such comments and nor were debt-ridden QPR, who are still holding out for a £15m bid for a player who is out of contract next year. Decrying an “outrageous slur”, Austin took aim at Sullivan in the hope of ensuring such prattle ended as quickly as West Ham’s Big Vase campaign. “I feel I have no option but to address the inaccurate, misleading and uninformed innuendo about my physical condition that has been raised today by an individual who is not privy to my personal health history,” stormed Austin. “It is one of a number of inaccurate reports about my so-called injury problems which have been made over the summer. For the record, there is nothing wrong with my ligaments.”
After deliberation, Sullivan decided that an apology was in order – so duly got his son to post a tweet expressing regret for Austin’s inability to grasp the point he was trying to make. “I’m sorry that Mr Austin has taken my comment out of context,” parped Sullivan. “He is a player I greatly admire. However he failed at a medical at Hull two years ago. I was simply saying at West Ham United we’ve been very unlucky with injuries to strikers, going right back to Dean Ashton. So for us, with our limited budget, our bad luck over injured strikers and the fact he failed a medical at Hull would be a risk we couldn’t take. However, I’m sure many other clubs would take a different view and I hope he plays on until he’s 37 or 38 as he’s clearly a super professional and a great player.”
Meanwhile, Sullivan’s club today hope to complete the permanent signing of Alex Song, who is recovering from ankle-knack surgery.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He’s really 17 years old? What the fcuk!” – Mats Hummels reacts to news that he was torn a new one by wee snip of a lad Rafik Zekhnini during the first half of the Big Vase playoff against Odds BK, a match Dortmund eventually won 4-3 after trailing 3-0, reassuring the Fiver that the Klopp-less Germans should still be shambolic good fun this season.
FIVER LETTERS
“A quick hat-tip to Mamadou Sakho for managing to use being dropped from the team as an argument for getting a 33% pay rise. I can see a rewarding career as a US-style career guru once he has finished stumbling over simple 10-yard passes and looking the wrong way as crosses come in” – Tim.
“Re: the bacon v scampi fry debate. Of late I’m fond of taking one of each and making a very cheap pub surf’n’turf snack. Though the resulting taste is a far leap from steak and lobster, these are gastronomic heights the Fiver can no doubt appreciate” – Healthy McHealtherson.
“After Manchester United announced they had ended their interest in signing Pedro I felt I should announce that I am ending my interest in marrying Jennifer Aniston. This is also the right time for me to announce that I no longer wish to be considered for selection for international football, I will be concentrating instead on my weekly five-a-side kickabout” – Declan O’Riordan.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Tim.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Louis van Gaal has insisted that talk of a tiff with Manchester United transfer supremo Ed Woodward is stuff and nonsense. “I have the idea that you want to separate Ed Woodward with me,” he wept, before adding unconvincingly, “I don’t think they [the fans] have to doubt Ed Woodward because he has proven already for many years he is the right person on the right spot.” Hmmmm.
Speaking of United and transfers, Ronald Koeman has slapped their collective hands and told them not to touch what they can’t afford. Specifically, Sadio Mané.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems for Arsène Wenger, who has bemoaned the paucity of top-notch players available in comparison to the amount of cash out there. “It is difficult because there’s more money in football, more clubs with big resources, and less players available,” he Biggie-Smallsed, while inviting the 1,057 to get stuck in.
Everton look like they’re finally removing their collective thumb from their collective bottom in the transfer market by spending £6m on River Plate defender Ramiro Funes Mori.
Federico Fazio has been cupped and asked to cough by the West Brom medical staff ahead of his move from Tottenham. Hopefully they didn’t ask him to run 100m in less than 30 seconds, otherwise the deal might be off.
And despite his most significant contribution of late being pretending to be a fan and having his shirt signed by Adam Lallana, Liverpool have offered Mamadou Sakho a new contract.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and the pod for the latest Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaaaa NOW!
STILL WANT MORE?
The Premier League has hit the United States and it tastes as good as anything wrapped in breadcrumbs, lip-licks Barney Ronay.
When Gregg Bakowski and Jacob Steinberg are not having their chakras realigned, they are writing about 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend. Lucky them.
We don’t know if Paolo Bandini is into having his chakras realigned or if he is down with his food being rolled in breadcrumbs but he most certainly does like writing Serie A season previews.
With great transfer freedom comes great transfer responsibility (for Alan Pardew and Tactics Tim), reckons Ed Aarons.
Louise Taylor predicts that Dick Advocaat will be doing his best Frankie Merman impression if Sunderland keep playing the way they have all season.
Paul Doyle got up nice and early to write up some transfer guff so you didn’t have to. Like Salt-N-Pepa said, what a man.
Get them while they’re lukewarm: tickets are still available for Football Weekly Live in Manchester on 3 September, plus another date in Brighton on 16 October.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
