Charley enters the house in Big Brother 8. Photograph: Yui Mok/PA
The Big Brother house looks a bit more expensive this year; I guess someone's done the sums and asked: "How much free telly will we be spinning out of these people? No, really? That much? That much totally free money? God darnit, we can afford a few snazzy tiles! Go crazy! Throw in a sun lounger of an innovative shape!"
To offset the extra pleasantness, there have been certain changes. The bath is now in the living room. The oven is in the bedroom. There is some other stuff that's in the wrong place. I think there might be a microwave in the swimming pool. Two possibilities. Either, they are trying to defamiliarise the world order to intensify the psychological experience. Or they are trying to store up some festering resentments by making people cook chicken nuggets in each other's bedrooms, and then they might have a fight, and as we all know, drama is conflict. But what's wrong with a keg of snakebite? That's what I want to know. Always works whenever I want to make trouble.
There are two pretty twins, who shout a lot but in that half-minute between stopping performing and camera shutting off (which ought to have a name - something like Amateurs' Jiffy) have eyes that are both dead and scared and, in duplicate, quite scary. There's a posh 60-year-old called Lesley who isn't pretty at all, really, and is there to satisfy that meeting in which someone asked: "How can we be a bit more like Celebrity Love Island? Everyone likes that ..."
Charley is 21, pretty, unemployed and black. The audience booed her on her way in and hurt her feelings. Davina asked them why, they answered in a chorus: "Get a job". What they meant was: "We are racists. Simple as that." Some girl who obsesses over looking like Posh Spice, only in fact is much better looking than Posh and should just get over it. A 36-year-old pill-head with pink hair. Says "AVIT" really loud to mask profound social unease. Paces about with a fake grin, like she has been raised in the woods by wolves. Wolves on E.
Emily, 19, posh. Laura, 19, fat. Shabnam, 22, amazingly loud, annoying voice. Nicky, 27, looks like an introvert to me, god knows what she thinks she's doing. Carole, 53, who thinks she's in the house because she's so opinionated, but really she's been chosen for her hairy mole.
Young women have a new greeting, you know - instead of saying "hello!" they say "you're gorgeous". Or maybe young women have always said that only I've never been young or gorgeous enough to realise, and nor have any of my friends.
It took me till halfway through Carole's mouthy nonsense to work out there weren't any men in this house, but ha! That's nothing, some of the housemates didn't realise until they'd all been hugging for about 10 minutes. The producers have maybe realised that narcissism on this scale precludes any meaningful sexual engagement and renders men unnecessary. Or else there'll be some stunt tomorrow where some hot guy is dangled naked before them, and they have to compete for him via Scrabble. Oh! I can't wait!
Charley is so far my favourite. I can't tell you why. She gives it all "I love money" this and "my cousin's a footballer" that, but she has polite eyes.
I think the twins will probably win. It would be so pointless to kick out one of them, and such a logistical nightmare to kick out both.
