Dear Doctor, My mate M, to the astonishment of those who know him, has just been made a justice of the peace. How can we remind him to consider the needs of his plaintiffs?
You say you were astonished at M’s appointment. Can I then assume that M is a lovely black sheep, a tester of friends and families, and a breaker of rules? An unlikely judge but the kind of cat who, in fact, understanding full well the wonderful wildness of life, will make a fine magistrate?
If so, I have just the song for M – Here Comes The Judge, a terrific tune with a huge drum sound, from comedian Pigmeat Markham, released in 1968 (“This judge is hip, and that ain’t all – he’ll give you time if you’re big or small”). There are also a couple of cheesy jokes, including this:
Woman: Sir, did I hear you say “order in the court”?
Judge: Yes.
Woman: Well, I’ll take two cans of beer, please.
I know, groan – but let’s stick with the pub analogy. Say M starts to take his new role a little too seriously and, instead of ordering his usual tipple, opts for a double orange juice. Time to quickly select Andy Fairweather-Low’s Wide Eyed And Legless to prompt his memory and spark his conscience: he needs to be in a position to grant mercy to poor innocents led astray by “God’s grain”.
Another corker to keep this judge in order: It’s A Hard Knock Life, remixed by Austin Powers’ Dr Evil (featuring Mini-Me). Follow up with Don Covay’s 1964 R&B classic Mercy, Mercy, which rides along majestically with its guitar-heavy groove.
But I leave you with Bob Marley and his track Judge Not (“before you judge yourself”), in the hope that it will teach M the most important lesson of all.
