Dear Doctor, I am not suspicious by nature, but I am wondering why my boyfriend is suddenly buying new clothes and worrying about his hair. Any musical advice on flushing him out?
Well, well, well. The Doctor is not one for speculating where no clear evidence is apparent, but any man who exhibits a sudden interest in hair gel, thinning follicles or unexplained mirror time is up to something. I could fill a page with cheating songs, but let’s get clever. Here’s my prescription.
Invite him around to your pad. Make it cosy: cushions, dim lighting, a few selected whiskies. Spin Millie Jackson’s 1974 album Caught Up, watch the whisky take hold, then set your litmus test against his glowing cheeks. Pay special attention to the tracks (If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don’t Want To Be Right and All I Want Is A Fighting Chance.
Set up a board game – Big Brother: Truth Or Dare – and, having pre-arranged the cards, detect the heat as the game asks the questions for you: “When was the last time you were in a love triangle?” “Name your five most intimate friends”. Is that his glass shaking? Now let side two of the album kick in, building towards Millie’s (and your) ultimatum: So Easy Going, So Hard Coming Back. This music is so damned good, it would flush out Casanova.
He may come through and save himself by smiling at you reassuringly through Bryan Adams’ (Everything I Do) I Do It For You. (Doctor’s note: no need even to think about playing this ever again.) But if he’s guilty, prepare the exit music, which has to be Bob Dylan’s Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright: “When the rooster crows at the break of dawn/Look out your window and I’ll be gone”. If he’s done wrong, you deserve the final word.
