Dear Doctor, I am a taxi driver, and between fares I like to listen to music that helps me de-stress. My problem is Friday- or Saturday-night revellers who demand that I “put some tunes on”. I hate the kind of music I hear coming out of the pubs and clubs where I drop them. What music could shut them up without sending my stress levels through the roof?
And here’s me thinking that drivers were an insensitive lot (the Doctor has noticed that one is always in for a grumpy ride if talkSport is on). Sir, your question is a marvellous one and I am very happy to prescribe some music for you, so you can henceforth glide about like Gilles Peterson behind your console, or a kind of pope behind your glass barrier, playing tunes worthy of worship.
Start with some old-school Chicago house, Washing Machine by Mr Fingers, produced by Larry Heard (can you believe it? This kind of electronic dance music is now 30 years old!) A warning: this track is very repetitive, and may leave your brain feeling like it’s the ball in those early computer tennis games. So drive on, driver, and we’ll make it to the Promised Land with slick Joe Smooth, a full-groove number, so you can sing along.
Any jip from the chumps in the back and line up this: Get The Funk Out My Face, by the Brothers Johnson, with its line, “If you don’t like my music, you don’t have to use it.” If they’re still raving, hit them with the sexiest song ever – Groove Me, by King Floyd: “We can live happily in a great big roomy house” (or taxi). Then get your pickled onions out, be generous with your flatulence and drop them off while turning this up to 11: The Avons’ 1959 hit, Seven Little Girls Sitting In The Back Seat. Tuuune!
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