Is this the worst set of Faithfuls the castle has ever seen?
Or is this the best set of Traitors?
Somewhere between the two lies the truth, but certainly we have here in this most entertaining of series, a clear master of the game in the Mephistophelian form of Jonathan Ross.
The shocking dress sense of Ross - he seems to most be wearing cushions and throws from the couch of Dorien from Birds of a Feather - acts like a distraction technique, disarming any Faithful with his cuddly show-off appearance (Flatulence queen Celia Imrie was flirting outrageously with him at the roundtable) even as he so clearly is planting seeds among them about perfectly innocent Faithfuls.
This episode was all about the determination of the remaining Faithfuls not to make the same mistake they had made in the previous four roundtables, and suddenly all pile-on to one of their kind. No, they were going to be wary of such occurrences and instead speak out with their own thoughts and stick to their guns.
Which of course they entirely failed to do as, in a gripping roundtable, they fell straight for Ross’ suggestion - which he’d been peddling all day - that it was lovely if explosive actor Mark Bonnar was a Traitor. What counted against him here, as far as the lovely, almost-perceptive (he has always suspected Ross but then consistently votes in a different direction) rugby player Joe Marler was concerned, was the very fact he was an actor. So therefore he could act as a Faithful if he was a Traitor. Well yep. Aren’t all you celebrities performers though?
It wasn’t just that. Bonnar’s impassioned responses to previous expulsions of Faithfuls had caused suspicion, particularly when he slammed the roundtable when Clare Balding was voted out. Bonnar is clearly just a competitive Scotsman with a sincere sensitivity about it, but as he came under suspicion, this further counted against him. He was becoming upset. Just another, ever more over-the-top performance? Well, no actually.
It looked like Bonnar’s goose was cooked as Ross somehow escaped discussion yet again, until mild-mannered historian David Olusoga began to interject. Weren’t they doing with Bonnar what they had all done at previous roundtables? ‘And isn’t it at the suggestion of Jonathan?’
Aha! Joe Wilkinson now saw clearly what was happening. It meant the Traitor was none other than... Olusoga himself! Because the very fact he had a new theory after being quiet for so long, suggested that he was a game-playing Traitor who had finally chosen his moment. Irrespective of the absolute sense that this historian’s theory made, he had managed to fit into Wilkinson’s own quiet-loud theory, where a Traitor would basically say little and then start saying lots.
All this achieved was that instead of piling onto Bonnar, the Faithfuls split the pile-on with Olusoga too. Meaning two Faithfuls were neck-and-neck for the chop.
Cue a tense round in which the two men tied with the same number of votes.
Both had to make a plea in their defences. Bonnar made another frustrated and almost tearful appeal for mercy. Olusoga tried to explain with his large brain that it would make no sense for him to draw attention to himself at that particular juncture if he was indeed a quiet-loud Traitor.
Another round of votes came about, this time with the contestants only allowed to vote for the two men. And then it happened: another draw!
This has never happened on Traitors before. And the ultimate Goth hype-woman Claudia Winkleman was left to mournfully intone that the ejection would be decided through chance.
Cue credits.
Great cliffhanger. What form will the chance take? Not a coin toss surely, maybe a skull toss or a submersion in a lake to see who sinks first. Make them fight for it, surely...
Before all this on Celebrity Traitors we had the usual fun tasks - this one involving traps and a quiz, chiefly memorable for Cat Burns not knowing who Judi Dench or Helen Mirren are - but it’s really all about the roundtables.
How much longer can Ross keep this up? If he wins this, you fear the evil power he has unleashed could see him make a Trump-style bid for Prime Minister.
And what about those other Traitors... Cat Burns, who has stayed quiet, which is beginning to draw some attention (Joe Wilkinson’s theory may pay off yet) and then Mr Alan Carr.
Alan Carr. Alan. Carr. A man who when he first became a Traitor was so nervous he nearly gave the game away instantly. No longer. Now he has turned pure cold evil, and disappeared so far under the radar of the Faithful that he name hasn’t come up in weeks now. Talk about evil power being unleashed...
Here’s a prediction how this will play out: Ross will make it to the final, only to be ultimately betrayed and beaten by the greatest Traitor of them all, Alan Carr.
Evil comes with a smile not a frown.
Celebrity Traitors continues on BBC One tomorrow night.
