Venice just survived the world’s most expensive game of “don’t fall in the water”, courtesy of Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez’s wedding. Yes, the city that’s already drowning in tourists had to watch a parade of A-listers try not to literally drown while boarding water taxis for the $20 million bash.
Forget the vows — thanks to expert lip reader Nicola Hickling, the real drama was in the awkward ballet of celebs wobbling in designer shoes and muttering demands that probably don’t make the highlight reel, as reported by the Daily Mail.
Oprah Winfrey, usually the picture of poise, was caught allegedly telling a porter, “I need to grab the bottom of my gown”, before boarding, then pausing for a wave and instructing, “Let me hold onto you. Don’t let me fall. Be careful with me.”
She even reassured herself with a quiet, “It’s okay, okay,” as she embarked on the world’s wobbliest journey. Relatable content for anyone who’s ever tried to look cool getting into an Uber after a big night.
Meanwhile Tommy Hilfiger, gave us the most honest review of the event. After asking, “Why do we need to stand here?” he supposedly declared, “This is so shit,” before promptly missing the handrail and taking a tumble. I’m not saying that the fall was karma for attending the wedding, but I’m not not saying that.
A staffer apparently told him, “You’re drunk, don’t say that,” which to be fair, is a phrase most of us have heard at least once at a wedding. Hilfiger just laughed it off, threw up a peace sign, and got back up.
Then there was the Kardashian-Jenner circus. Khloé, on her birthday no less, summed up the vibe with, “It’s so complicated, oh down we go,” as she and Kim tried to board.
Khloé seemingly admitted, “I might tumble, let’s sit inside,” while Kylie, clearly over it, handed her wine to a porter and asked, “Which way? Can you hold this? Thank you.”
She then supposedly told Kendall, “Let’s hold hands and go together,” before stumbling and blurting out, “Uh oh.”
It’s comforting to know that even the most media-trained family on earth can’t master a Venetian dock in heels.
Kris Jenner, ever the boss, wasn’t about to share a boat with anyone but Corey Gamble. After drying off with a paper towel, she was seen telling staff, “Tell them I said thanks,” and made it clear, “I’d like to travel alone.” Corey dutifully followed her orders, because no one crosses Kris at a family event.
And while all this was happening, the rest of us were left wondering if this kind of excess is really worth celebrating. Venice, a city battling overtourism and climate woes, probably didn’t need another mega-rich party clogging its canals. But at least the Sanchez-Bezos wedding proved one thing: no matter how much money you throw at a party, you can’t buy coordination.
Lead image: Getty / Instagram
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