It's week four of Masterchef, the very last week - and, according to the blurb in the Radio Times, tonight the three remaining celebrities will be facing their 'Toughest Challenge YET'. So that'll be the toughest challenge since the last toughest. And they always said it "didn't get tougher than that". Lying sods.
So in the first of three finals, the celebrities (and Mark Moraghan) will be competing to make breakfast for soldiers, and posh food for other people who aren't soldiers, and at the end of the episode... well, nothing will happen. They'll all come back for tomorrow's episode and the one after that. But I'll be here anyway, following all the action from 8-9 on BBC1. Any comments, tasteful or salty or crunchy or sweet, drop them in the comment box below. Click on read more to read more, and hit refresh for new updates and comments.
So we've come this far. Well, three weeks. And in the first week and second weeks we were shedding celebrities like they were going out of fashion (and most of them did, let's face it, about fifteen years ago) and then for the last two weeks we were stuck with first four finalists, now three. If that seems a little unbalanced, please put your hand up now. Now put it down again, because no one can see it anyway.
So who have we left? Andi Peters, Mark Moraghan and Liz McClarnon.
And tonight they have to feed a field of army cadets and hone their culinary skills in 'some of London's top restaurants'. Frankly, the amount of restaurants they've gone through in this series alone, you wonder when they might run out of 'top restaurants' that will accept them for a bit of lunchtime skill-honing, and start honing at franchises of Frankie & Benny's.
Still. That's what they'll be doing, and I'll be back at 8 to find out how they do when they do that.
8pm 'WAR OF THE WORLDS' says the trailer before we begin. And no, that's not tonight, that's some tosh Tom Cruise film that's on on Saturday. But isn't tonight just a little bit like that? In many ways? A Battle between massive stars, a war between giants of the cosmos?
No, but it IS the Celebrity masterchef final; all three of it. (World's worst sentence nominations now open, please nominate me, please) And here we go. What's on the menu for tonight (ha!)
First: a mass catering challenge in the middle of a combat zone, then an exceptional lunch for the army's elite, before they're tutored by top chefs to iron out their faults - then they'll have to cook one faultless main course. Anything ELSE? Apparently not.
Celebrity Masterchef: challenge television for the seriously short on attention span.
8.04: At 6.30am, the celebrities are being driven through the countryside to a secret location somewhere on the South Coast. They're dumped, in the dark, at the edge of a purpose built 'fighting village' - I think I've been there, Eastbourne on a Saturday night, no? - where some Sandhurst cadets have been practising killing each other for the last ten days, surviving on vacuum packed ready meals alone.
Vacuum packed caviar on blinis, perhaps. Well, it is Sandhurst.
8.06: Told they have to make a full English with scrambled eggs, eggs benedict and kedgeree. And that they should appoint a head chef. Mark appoints himself, and tells Andi that he's in charge of the Eggs Benedict and the Kedgeree.
Which seems slightly unfair, but hey ho...
Liz has to fry some bread, some bacon and cook some sausages. Which isn't quite as hard as hollandaise for 150 people, but still, I say nothing. And what that leaves Mark to do, I'm still not sure. Toaster boy?
8.13: It's a hour till service, and liz is panicking. Mark's standing over a bucket breaking eggs. He's scrambling eggs. He's given Andi two complex dishes to do on his own, he's given Liz two complex kinds of meat (well, sausages and bacon) and an oven (mistake!), and he's an effective leader as Donald Duck in a gimp mask.
The sergeant panics and uses his lance corporal to stir the scrambled eggs (which sounds rude, but isn't) and eventually, with only a couple of minutes before the troops arrive, Andi takes control - clearly should have in the first place - and from a position of no kedgeree, no hollandaise, no muffins and half an English breakfast, everything comes together.
8.18: When the sergeant gives his opinion, it's clear who comes out on top. Andi is sweeping the others to the side with his mighty biceps. But Liz is coming up fast behind, since she had a long and laborious task (sausages) and she may still bat them to death with her enormous lashes, if she can get them out from under her fringe.
But can Mark still race up from the rear and drown them all in a mighty flood of his own tears? Yeah, probably, from the evidence we've seen so far.
8.20: Task two: Lunch for the officers. A three course meal: Liz is making the starter, Andi the main, Mark is pudding.
Andi is, quite sensibly, given control of the kitchen. "And it has to be ready for 3pm" says Sergeant Grumpyface. Andi goes pale. "Seriously? 3? Are you serious?"
Of course, he's serious, Andi. It's the military, and they never, ever lie.
8.22: Liz is making Garlic king prawns in a basket (pastry not wicker) with a buerre blanc sauce. She looks vaguely confused by the concept, but says 'it sounds quite nice, like' which bodes well.
Andi has to make rack of lamb with a red wine jus (pointless pissy-thin gravy for idiots) mashed sweet potato and some veg.
Mark has to make pears poached in tears with chantilly cream and some other stuff. "Desserts aren't my forte" he weeps. Well not weeps. Says. But that wasn't as fun.
8.23: The judges talk in serious tones about whether the celebrities can do it or not. "Well, we know they can make one dish, but 30? Oooh, I dunno" says Gregg. "They've proved what they can do so far, but this is the toughest challenge yet" says John, or something equally as trite.
Liz's starter comes out late, but the officers seem to like it anyway. At least I think they like it. One of the officers says it has 'integrity of flavour' which sounds vaguely good, but mostly like something he read in the Sunday Times and thought sounded impressive. It's like everyone who walks into a house viewing and now uses the words 'spacious' and 'airy' because they heard Kirsty and Phil say it on Location Location once.
8.28: Andi's rack of lamb goes well, and he pays close attention to the plating up of every single one, perfectionist that he is. The racks go out, and the officers seem grudgingly pleased. "This one's still got a pulse" growls one. Quick! Andi! The army would like things to be deader, please! Arrange it!
And one of them, in fact, sends his lamb back; Andi tucks it, still baa-ing, into the oven, and voices his disappointment. "I'm disappointed", he says.
8.30: Mark's pudding is a shower of chantilly, with everything ready at different times and his biscuits - or 'tulles' as they might be called in this instance, I can't tell - not ready at all. Eventually the sergeant has to step in and help him out by cooking a final biscuit.
Everything, then, is not quite as it should be, but reasonable, all the same. Reasonable. I don't pay my licence fee for 'reasonable', people. Step it up a notch.
8.33: Stepping it up a notch, the celebrities are sent to 'top London restaurants' to work on their faults.
Andi's going to learn to make sure he has flavour, Liz is going to work on being more precise, and Mark's going to have his tear ducts stuffed with bubble gum.
8.38: At Andi's top restaurant (and I won't be naming them, they've had enough free advertising, thanks)(and also I wasn't listening) he discovers that flavour is almost as important as presentation. "So what I've learnt here" he says "Is that tasting things is a really good idea! Because then you know how they taste! It's a revelation!" I paraphrase. But that's what he's learnt. If you taste things, you know how they will taste. This is a good point, and will hopefully stop him from sending out main courses perfectly rendered in playdoh from now on.
At Liz's place, she learns that thin things cook faster than thick things, and that the best way to check your egg is poached correctly is the 'Yeowch Wobble', where you drop it from boiling water into your hand and check that it moves correctly.
Mark learns that being calm is the way forward, and if he can only focus and remain zen, his cooking improves enormously. He is moved by this.
8.46: Back at the ranch, the celebrities have to cook one perfect main course. not the main course they made at the restaurant, but something using the principles that they learnt.
Andi's making venison in a chocolate sauce. Ah, excellent, he was clearly at Cafe Napoleon, learning that insanity is the way to ultimate power.
Oh, no, he learnt about flavour.
"Are you going to win Masterchef?" Says one head of the mighty two-headed judgezilla. "I've got a one in three chance." says Andi.
8.48: Liz is making Pan-fried Cod, prawn chowder and grain mash.
Grain mash? What is grain mash? Ready Brek?
8.50: Mark is making a baked and poached (?) baby chicken with swiss chard and balsamic glazed potatoes.
To which I can only say: the idea of shiny potatoes is weird, swiss chard is the devil's own entrails, and baby chickens are small and go 'peep! peep!'. I'm not that keen on Mark's dish.
Mark is smiling, and has found a new calmness.
8.51: But what do the judges think?
"It's soft, moist and delicious" says John. Mark wells up. "That, mate, is the cooking of a professional" says Gregg, after damn near dribbling some down his chin. They like it. It's fabulous, they both say.
8.53: Of Andi's Bambi in Cadbury's Caramel Sauce?
"It's bursting with flavour" says Gregg. Yeah, no kidding. "It's very very very very very good" says John, effusively. "A triumph" they both conclude. Andi is chuffed to bits.
8.55: John thinks Liz's fish and prawn and mashed potato spectacular is 'very very good'. Gregg concludes that it's 'the epitome of wonderful, wonderful food'
In the judges room, they discuss it again. "That seafood bisque was simply, simply superb. That was a glorious, glorious dish. I loved it, I just loved it" says Gregg, Gregg says (if in doubt, say it twice)
*sigh*
Rein it in a bit it will you boys, there's two more days to go.
9.00: Sorry, I got led off at the last minute.
To summarise: the judges thought everything was fabulous, simply fabulous. They thought everything was just really, really, really good, and they were really just totally, utterly, blown away. Blown away. And they also liked it.
Tomorrow, says the voiceover lady, the three remaining contestants will face - OH FOR THE LOVE OF GROSSMAN GIVE IT A REST WILL YOU? - their 'toughest challenge yet'.
Seriously. She said it. Again. It's a good thing there are only three more days, because if everything continued to get tougher at this rate they'd be stirring boiling soup with their genitals and having to carve their own tin-openers out of wood before you know it.
Anyway, they'll be flying 6000 miles (on the licence-payer, yes) to the heart of the African bush, where they'll face the challenge of 'cooking somewhere where it is hot'.
Tomorrow the ever-tasty Heidi will be your guide, join her here, from 8pm.
Thank you, and goodnight
