There was a brazen lack of respect shown this week towards the career achievements of some Celebrity MasterChef contestants.
“Hi-De-Hi and panto star Su Pollard” cruelly overlooked Su’s No.2 smash Starting Together, her second place finish (behind a singing Jack Russell) on Opportunity Knocks 1974 and her co-hosting of the seminal It’s A Royal Knockout.
As for “Happy Mondays dancer Bez”?
Come on. Bez didn’t just dance. He also shook maracas as if his life depended on it.
Plus, he won Celebrity Big Brother when it was still a thing and is now one half of Celebrity Gogglebox’s best-ever double act.
If there’s any justice, following his expectation-defying stint in the kitchen, Bez will surely add the Celebrity MasterChef trophy to his honours.
He’s also a relentless quote machine. I could fill a page with his one-liners and anecdotes, but my favourite was “Fresh figs make me ears itch” – which may or may not have been an unused alternative lyric to “You’re twistin’ ma melons, man.”
Not that Bez had it all his own way.
It’s a strong line-up this year. In fact, it would be perfect for Strictly Come Dancing – if Strictly’s primary aim was still to entertain the nation, that is.
Sure, there are one or two competitors who could best be described as being “just behind Kerry Katona on Good Morning Britain’s sea wee correspondents call list” but the rest are a hearty showbiz broth.
Bez’s toughest opponent looks to be Duncan James, who has bulked up and acquired some bushy black facial hair since quitting the world of boybands.
Basically, Dunc’s gone from Blue to Bluto. All he needs to do now is find a short, shouty, bald man to be his Popeye.
Sadly, the obvious candidate Gregg Wallace is too busy with his day job of tasting food and pulling (rather unconvincing) spontaneous reaction faces.
Gregg is also still desperately trying to find a new catchphrase that sticks. I’m not sure about the latest effort from Gregg and his sidekick John Torode – who, by the way, is looking more and more like a nan who’s just had a makeover on This Morning.
In honour of their new mystery ingredients round, Under The Cloche, JT and GW have clearly decided that repeating the bad pun will definitely make it land better.
So they’ve gone for “Let’s find out what’s under the cloche?”
Dunno, fellas.
But from here it’s looking a little bit like tumbleweed.
