• Ivana, Stephen and Sisqo - who should stay?
• All of last week's liveblog action
Pre-show preamble...
It's an all-American eviction night in the Celebrity Big Brother House, and time to send two more housemates home. Stephen, Sisqo and Ivana are facing the public vote, and I'll be right here from 9pm tonight to liveblog all the action.
I so badly want Stephen to stay it hurts, but according to the bookies my prayers will not be answered. They rarely are, in fairness. Sisqo has got his bounce back since he heard he was up for nomination, so could well stay into the final week, and while Ivana has been fun to watch and still looks great in her underwear, ultimately she's not a winner. As she herself would say: "It is what it is."
But what will it be? Join me here from 9pm for every moment of tonight's action liveblogged for your reading and viewing pleasure, not forgetting to add your thoughts and musings in the comment box below, because they're often the best bit.
See you at nine!
8.32pm: Half an hour to go, and I am a bit excited. Only a bit, mind. Who goes tonight is important - it will decide whether the final week of this year's CBB is full of tension-filled sniping from Sisqo, or just another week of Stephen hearing messages from God. Probably in Jonas's farts.
After tonight there isn't another eviction until next Wednesday (as far as I know), so we've definitely got a few more days of Nicola sobbing over the photo of her daughter looking sad with a snowman, and Vinnie playing Kitchen Hard Man. I am bored of him, he never stops moaning. Dane, on the other hand, seems like a genuinely nice guy, and could be the dark horse of this series. Although predicting a winner is generally pointless - Ulrika came from nowhere to win it last year, even though I've yet to meet anyone who voted for her.
9.00pm: Ooh, it's starting. Davina is wearing a flasher mac and a woolly hat. She looks like one of the French Resistance women in 'Allo 'Allo.
A reminder of what's happened this week - Sov left with the secret key, and the housemates paid the price by having all their hairdryers removed. Puts world suffering into perspective, doesn't it? The Tree of Temptation spoke to Dane, and whilst he failed to ruin dinner, he did an excellent job of faking a nightmare and luxuries were restored. Phew. Oh, and Vinnie and Sisqo had a bit of a barney over Vinnie being the big man in the house.
9.05pm: So, what happened yesterday? Well, Vinnie is reading the rule book again (the man is just so rock 'n' roll), and goes into the diary room to complain about Sisqo being offensive to him the night before. He is boiling, and wants BB to intervene.
Oh, Vinnie. You're supposed to be the ball-crushing hard man of football. Sisqo sings about underwear, for heaven's sake. If they weren't on camera last night, says Vinnie, with all the menace of a dead sparrow, he'd have 'dealt with him'. Bearing in mind that Sisqo is about two inches taller than Verne Troyer, I am unimpressed. He threatens to speak to his lawyer, and then starts laying into Big Brother. What an arse.
9.12pm: Dane tells Vinnie that he's over-reacting. Who knew that Dane Bowers (DANE BOWERS!) would turn out to be a bigger man than Vinnie Jones? Then Sisqo wakes up looking like death warmed up, and decides to apologise to everyone. I suspect no fists will be flying today. Shame.
9.17pm: In the ad break, Cheryl Cole's hair has got its mojo back, so we can all sleep sound in our beds tonight. She's worth it, apparently. I can't tell you how relieved I am.
9.19pm: Ah, Sisqo has quit smoking, which is why he was being a dick last night. Perhaps BB should confiscate Basshunter's fags too, and THEN it'll kick off. Probably to the tune of 'Now You're Gone' or'All I Ever Wanted'. They are essentially the same song.
Sisqo goes to apologise to Vinnie, who accepts his apology graciously. Actually that's a gigantic lie. He rubs Sisqo's face in it, tells him he's offended his faaaaamily (a role in Eastenders beckons, surely?) and makes him beg and plead for forgiveness. Sisqo practically kisses his feet. And then Vinnie decides to accept, grudgingly. Pillock.
9.25pm: In the bathroom, Nicola is squeezing the spots on Alex's back. It is beyond grim and putting me right off my pizza.
Sisqo goes to the diary room to apologise to Vinnie's family. Perhaps he thinks they will be waiting for him with baseball bats. Probably better to be safe than sorry.
In the snug, Ivana is wearing a coat that appears to be made from bear. REAL BEAR. I bet she's got one made of puppies too. And Donald's discarded toupees.
9.33pm: Don't vote for Stephen, PLEASE!! If he goes, there will be no more disturbing moral dilemmas involving children and automatic firearms, or his creepy Muttley laugh. Keep him in!
9.35pm: In the kitchen, Stephanie and Nicola are dancing with spoons and making up songs. It's a lot less entertaining than it sounds.
Dane goes to the diary room, and because he holds the secret key, he gets to enjoy champagne and chocolate cake. He has to decide who else in the house gets the same treat by patting his housemate of choice on the bottom. Unlikely to be Stephen, then.
He whacks Stephanie on the arse. I like his style. Grr.
9.38pm: To celebrate Stephen's 21 years of sobrietry, housemates are invited to a Tarts and Vicars tea party. All are wearing appropriate costumes, and BB plays 'Rehab' into the house. Ivana looks like an Ab Fab Joanna Lumley, after several bottles of Bolly. Unfortunately BB hasn't spiked the punch, which may have made Stephen less of a gigantic bore.
The housemates play pass the parcel, which includes a plastic poo. They throw it at Ivana. You really couldn't make this up.
9.43pm: During the ad break, Martine McCutcheon tells me all about the importance of Tummy Loving Care. Unfortunately this makes me want to vomit, which probably means I won't get the full benefit of all those yummy-in-my-tummy probiotics. Oh the irony.
9.47pm: Either everyone down there has gone, or the comment box is broken. I very much hope it is the latter, or I'm talking to myself again. Maybe my lusting over Dane sent everyone away.
Stephanie goes into the diary room, and Big Brother drops a cake on her head from a hatch in the ceiling. She thinks this is very funny, but Dane looks mortified. All the housemates are called in one by one and asked to move to the left or right, but no-one else gets caked - Big Brother is just messing with them, the swine.
Then Stephanie is called in and they cake her again. Absolute genius. I LOL'd extensively.
9.52pm: The housemates decide to put the fake poo in Ivana's bed. Stephen does not condone this, clearly, but then makes suggestions as to where precisely they should put it. Clearly the devil has infiltrated Stephen's mind through the power of the plastic turd.
Ivana does not notice for ages, but then she does and everyone laughs heartily. My sides are actually splitting. Can you tell?
10.01pm: And that's it for this bit - I'll be back at 10.35 for the evictions. In the meantime my TV has been annexed by the Teenage Son for Mock The Week. Yay, Patrick Kielty! And also Russell Howard, who I also love, but not in the same way.
Go eat, drink, watch Jimmy Carr, whatever. But please come back. Please. Don't make me beg.
10.35pm: In the words of D-Mob, we are back with a vengeance. And if you remember Acid House, you clearly weren't there. Or something.
On Monday at 8pm on C4, there is a documentary about what caused Britain's Big Freeze. I'm guessing it was something to do with the weather, and also the fact that it's winter and thus cold. Could be liveblog gold, no?
10.37pm: And the first housemate out is....STEPHEN!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
10.38pm: It is true. Stevie B, with his oiled-up hair and Jesus t-shirt, is out of the house. Amen, say those who voted for him. Boo, say I.
We look at his time in the house. He spent 20 hours in total reading the Bible, and talked about God a good deal. In the intervening minutes, he wound people up a lot, but was generally excellent value.
10.42pm: In his interview, he windbags on about how he tried to be a representation of the Lord. We are treated to a montage of his top 248 religious moments. But hey, preaching is just what Stephen does. In some ways I admire his unwavering belief. The only thing I have a similar devotion to is crisps.
Davina is struggling, because Stephen is interviewing her instead. "Let me ask you a question", says Stephen. Umm, that's not really how it works.
What did you get out of the experience, Davina asks. I learned a lot about my faith, says Stephen. I think it's safe to say we ALL learned a lot about Stephen's faith.
10.53pm: Next out is SISQO!! See? This is why I should never be allowed to predict ANYTHING. Ivana and her roadkill wardrobe lives to fight another day, and we should all prepare ourselves for a final week that is duller than a night in washing Leona Lewis's hair.
We see Sisqo's best bits. The mankini, some singing, a lot of bouncing about and then finally 'unleashing his dragon' on Vinnie. Jiminy Christmas.
11.00pm: Sisqo sits wearing a crown, answering Davina's inane questions about how much he liked Sov, and how Vinnie thinks he's the man. It's tough in there, we learn.
Davina's hair looks dreadful. Garnier must be wringing their hands.
And that's it for this week - still in the house are a bunch of quite dull people, the glorious Stephanie Beacham, and Dane Bowers, who I am developing a small crush on. I feel dirty, and not in a good way.
I'll be back next week, maybe for the next round of evictions on Wednesday, and definitely on Friday for the final. See you then, and have a good weekend! Hx
