Anyone who tells you that autumn, with crunching leaves underfoot, or spring with its ripe promise, is their favourite season is a stinking frigging wrong ’un and probably a virgin. Clearly the only time of year worth getting excited about is the few weeks of humid desperation known as CBB season or, in some parts, “summer”. This is the period when munchkins gladly scrub the Big Brother house free of civilian traces, paying special attention to the beds, lilos and beanbags where the conjugal foundations of an OK!-friendly partnership were laid. Only then can a bag of celebs enter. The constancy is so beautiful, it could bring a tear to your eye. Sun rise, sun set.
It’s around this time of year that people like me start behaving strangely: collating betting odds, paying attention to tabloid coverage of particularly crap D-listers. “Well well well,” I say over spreadsheets detailing the work schedule of Linda the dinner lady who tried out for Britain’s Got Talent in 2002. “It seems the mysterious Linda has six whole weeks off in August, and nary a supermarket opening to be seen.” Then I get Paddy Power on the blower. Speculating over who will go into the house is half the fun. Sometimes, say around 97 minutes into the Celebrity Big Brother: Live Launch (Thursday, Channel 5, 9pm), you realise it may be the entirety of the fun.
According to the most recent rumour churning, Danniella Westbrook was a contestant but has been quietly sent home owing to her fragile psychological state. This is a legit shame. Danniella would be a great housemate. What I image happened here is that production staff caught sight of her normal expression – bleak – and raised the alarm. Listen, Danniella Westbrook can take a lot. She lives daily with the knowledge she named her son Kai after the polyester-favouring clothing chain Kookai. She’s been through the wringer and come out alive. What I like to call the abyss resting face is simply a natural side-effect of being replaced on EastEnders by a dull tart in a bad trouser suit with a worse blow dry. Danniella is fine. Elsewhere, Towie powerhouse Gemma Collins is a maybe. Dean Gaffney is probably a safe bet. X Factor 2014 rejects and new couple Chloe-Jasmine Whichello and Stevi Ritchie seem a sad inevitability.
At the time of writing, all the still unconfirmed stars are holed up in the junior suites of the Borehamwood Holiday Inn Express, twiddling their thumbs, idly folding their non-disclosure agreements into paper aeroplanes, and mentally smoothing off the granite worktops of their new Endemol-sponsored kitchens. One thing that has been confirmed at least is this year’s twist: it’s UK v US. What that might entail is anyone’s guess, but given that the house is engineered for conflict, I don’t think an all-out tea party theme is too much to hope for.
Historically, the first few days in the house are spent with the US celebs tiptoeing around the indelicate matter of whoTF the string of Hollyoaks actors, the lovers of Hollyoaks actors, the Hollyoaks cameos, the lovers of Hollyoaks cameos, the ex-LWT continuity announcers, the ex-Page 3 models with the intriguing personality combo of “sunny” and “dim” actually are. This situation is obviously ripe for sweet, sweet celebsploitation.
With all the CBB publicity trailers pledging that this series will be “the ultimate smackdown”, it looks like a hot one. Don’t underestimate the emotional burden of a failing career, dehydrated talent reserves and the knowledge that your livelihood relies on controversy. Which reminds me, I heard that Dapper Laughs is going in, too. But then I also heard ex-pro wrestler, one-time porn actress and alarmingly anatomical Chyna has been signed up. Built like an Amazonian, her signature moves include the powerslam, the handspring back elbow and the low blow. Any bother and she’ll snap ol’ Dapper like a twig.
