8.45pm Evening all and welcome to this exciting Wednesday night eviction live blog. I know, I know, you'd rather it was Friday and Anna but she's in Vegas (ooh, hope she picks me up an iPhone. Not likely, we've never actually met), checking out consumer electronics. Can I just take a moment to encourage anyone strolling by to stop in over the jump and add a comment explaining to those of us watching this rubbish that it's meaningless and so are we? [scroll down for increasingly desperate updates]
So it's another dark and stormy night in Elstree. Poignant and dramatic, just like Dickens. And we are gathered here to witness the first eviction of Celebrity Big Brother 2007. Will it be Jade? Will it be Jade's mum Jackiey. No, frankly, it will be Jade's boyfriend Jack.
As Ghostcar succinctly explained earlier today, Jack is a shoo-in for first departure. Crucially, we've been voting to save (I say "we", but no one's actually voted have they? Anyone prepared to admit they have and explain why wins a special Monkey badge) rather than evict. And no one can possibly have found anything worth picking up the phone for in Jack. Surely. I've watched this all week and the man remains an enigma and not in a good way.
Still, let's pretend there's some uncertainty for form's sake. Or it'll be like over by over-ing the final test of the Ashes.
9pm Davina's hair is fine. Seems to be another colour, but that's an endorsement deal with Garnier Nutrisse for you. Must be exhausting.
She says there'll be no goodbyes, no warnings and no crowd tonight. Audience half-heartedly 'ooh'. Jack just came up on screen. I swear I didn't recognise him.
9.10pm Highlights. They are bickering about the shopping budget. Shilpa is trying to convey the concept of chicken curry to Jade, Jo and Danielle who want fish, chips and facial cleansing wipes. Jackiey, who clearly needs her "medication" again, is throwing a tantrum about lemon juice.
9.13pm Jackiey is explaining her personal growth and journey in the house. I'd summarise, but I'm not entirely sure I followed it. Wait for the book.
9.15pm Jackiey has emerged in what can only be described as a fishnet swimsuit. As her daughter helpfully notes, "I can see your fanny, mum". Oh thank god, it's an ad break. I need a drink.
9.23pm And we're back. In the diary room, Jack reveals this is a great experience because... he's never done anything like this before. He adds that he hasn't come out of his shell yet. I can't tell what the end of the sentence was because he seemed to be too bored to finish. Or tired. Maybe clinically depressed.
9.27pm Jermaine is trying to explain Jerry Springer to Shilpa. He's in some trouble. His face is wrinkling with the effort. Careful there, Jermaine - respect the botox and it'll respect you.
9.31pm Eviction in five minutes. Hold on to that rising excitement. Go on, vote to save Shilpa. There's a badge in it for you..
9.37pm Housemates almost expire with the effort of pretending they had no idea there was a live show on and had just put on all that make-up (yes, Leo, I'm talking about you) by accident. Let's hope those facial cleansing wipes didn't fall off the bottom of the shopping list.
Jackiey is summoned to the diary room. Her shirt is still hiked up her back because she has carpet burns, apparently. Is she going? Surely not.
9.42pm NO! Who voted for Jack? Come on. I want to know. Admit it, now. Big Brother: "Jackiey, please leave the Big Brother house. You have been evicted." Jackiey: "I've got no shoes on!" Jade: sobs.
9.49pm Jackiey's been out for three minutes. Scorecard: three 'fucks', one 'shit', one reference to "the Indian" and three mispronunciations of Shilpa's name. Davina is displaying those chat show skills honed on an entire BBC1 series. Audience laughing uproariously. Quick, cut to the highlights tape, the interview's a carcrash.
9.54pm Is she calling Jade "me chavvy?"
9.55pm I sense we're winding up. Davina has described Jackiey as "awesome" and that's generally the cue for another highlights tape, applause, roll credits. Bye Jackiey.. You were, well, more memorable than Jack.
Thanks for stopping by, all. Anna will be your host on Friday, barring a decision that Vegas is classier and filled with less seedy people. Goodnight. x
10.25pm UPDATE: Big Brother has just emailed: Housemates will face the first round of celebrity nominations from midnight. Once nominations have finished, Carole and Cleo will be called to the Diary Room together. They face punishment for their recent conversation about the nominations process and will be told that one of them will automatically face eviction this Friday - their fellow housemates must decide who.
I'd say it's not looking good for the hack.. But with my track record on predictions?
