You know you've really made it as a supermegastar when someone fashions a small doll in your likeness. Just ask Snoop Dogg, the late Steve Irwin or the entire cast of Saved by the Bell (yes, even the skinny weirdo, whose Brillo-pad hair looked more unnatural on him, eerily, than on the doll).
Great must have been the relief, therefore, of grindingly mediocre tune-molesters Boyzone, who were pictured fondling their little selves in China. Any doubts they may have had about the success of their reunion were surely laid to rest on being presented with miniature plastic versions of themselves.
And the Boyz aren't the only onez. Even politicians like Sarah Palin, Barack Obama and Nicolas Sarkozy have recently been immortalised in doll form (though Sarko's came with voodoo pins, so presumably it was something of a bittersweet feeling).
If the world's most boring people can make a dent on the celebrity doll market, surely the public is ready to pay for a flood of others, such as:
The Eamonn Holmes ShutthehelluporI'llcutyougood doll
Frighteningly lifelike replica of the much-mocked broadcaster, made out of moulded latex and hair cut from the heads of Filipino children, lovingly machine-painted with an inhuman pallor. Press a button on Eamonn's hand to start him spinning out his distinctive brand of smug rubbish at a rate of knots. Note: the Eamonn doll will yammer on non-stop until you place its head full of impoverished-child-hair under the voracious blade of a powerful angle grinder.
My First Little Ian McEwan
A beautifully crafted but rather cold and uninviting doll, fashioned from Venetian porcelain, pure silks and a certain frosty hauteur. Inside the exquisite outer shell you'll find an absence of warmth or humanity, carefully non-inserted by the manufacturer. Ideal for intellectually precocious children with emotional issues, the Ian doll will stare at you unnervingly through its cold glassy eyes, wherever you go and whatever you do. Guaranteed to be at least 20% more chilly and distant than rival John Banville dolls.
The Gillian McKeith Disgustipation Station
Enjoy/endure a series of intrusive faecal examinations, colonic irrigations and ritualised humiliations in the privacy of your own home! The Disgustipation Station comes with a polymer waste collection apparatus, pinhole camera, box of superstrength laxatives, stool analysis kit and solar-powered Gillian figurine, which will hector and admonish you like some sort of coprophiliac evangelical as you poke through the detritus of the preceding two days, wearing a nose-clip and a facial expression somewhere between amused revulsion and self-abasing bafflement.
The Stupid Acronymic Moniker Babushka Collection
Combining the doll-within-a-doll format popular throughout 18th-century Russia with the annoying penchant among modern-day celebs for making their name sound like a package delivery service. A-Rod pops into J-Lo pops into Li-Lo pops into K-Fed ... and the whole lot pops nicely into your bag! (Note: bag must have a cubic volume of 12 litres.) Accessories include foam pillow for when Li-Lo doll is feeling "tired". So don't be a T-sser, get the full collection T-day!
The Robert Mugabe FunVolt Playtime Pal
This cheeky teddy bear puts the "fun" back into "mass funerals", educating as well as entertaining with his patented mix of roguish charm and brutal intolerance of dissidence. Bash his head to hear Robert's pre-programmed set of loaded questions which you're bound to get wrong because there is no right answer, then clasp his furry little electrode-filled paw for a "shockingly" vigorous handshake! Once your heartbeat returns to normal, repeat the process. Accessories: inadequate food supplies for your family and "play" voting papers that have already been filled in.
COMING SOON: The Sarah Silverman Potty-mouth Lame-shock Controverso-brat, the Springloaded Beyoncé Ass-wobbler, the Jolie Roger Fully Inflatable Pervert's Delight.
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