CECH-OUT
Unlike say, a certain couple of Fulham players, it is difficult to imagine Petr Cech ever clashing with a teammate during a yoga class. While it is easy to imagine the Arsenal keeper trying somebody’s nerves by complimenting them excessively on their Downward Facing Dog, repeatedly offering them drinks from his water bottle or accidentally treading on their velvet slings, the prospect of actually coming to blows with one of football’s nicest men in any environment seems so implausible as to be utterly beyond the realms of possibility. Google “Petr Cech” and “controversy” and one of very few occasions in which the 36-year-old appears to have lost his cool in a senior career spanning almost 20 years was when he cut loose at the end of a game and gave referee Mike Dean both barrels. Which doesn’t really count because it was referee Mike Dean, a fabled attention-seeker who probably deserved both barrels.
On Tuesday, while everyone else was taking to Social Media Disgrace Twitter to rage about Donald Trump’s mass order of “hamberders”, the meaningless meaningful Brexit vote and “lazy juorno bais”, Cech posted a tweet announcing his imminent retirement. “This is my 20th season as a professional player and it has been 20 years since I signed my first professional contract, so it feels like the right time to announce that I will retire at the end of this season,” said the player who won 14 major trophies, kept a record 202 Premier League clean sheets and is a four-times Premier League Golden Glove winner. “Having played 15 years in the Premier League and won every single trophy possible, I feel like I have achieved everything I set out to achieve.”
And then, the obligatory gag, because he’s also a funny guy. “I will continue to work hard at Arsenal to hopefully win one more trophy this season,” he honked, before announcing he was looking forward to seeing what life holds for him off the pitch. Immediate canonisation and a place in heaven, it seems, so overwhelmingly positive and gushing were the responses to Cech’s big news.
A man who would apparently spend his every waking hour helping old ladies across the street whether they wanted to get to the other side or not, it seems Cech never knowingly refused a request for an autograph, selfie or interview when he was not busy keeping the ball from passing him while in goal for Chelsea or Arsenal. In fact, such was his patience he once let legendary Big Paper snapper Tom Jenkins convince him to pose for a photograph on a giant chessboard. For that alone, all at Fiver Towers will miss you … Cech, mate.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Simon Burnton from 7.45pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Blackeye Rovers 1-2 Newcastle United.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“You can take my ball away, you can take my bib away, you can take my boots away but you can’t take away my passion” – Suzanne Wrack speaks to Solihull Moors Ladies’ manager, Annie Zaidi, about her journey into coaching.
PHONE PAS OF THE DAY
8 October 2013: “For anyone who contacts our manager Alan Dowson – please text him your phone numbers as his phone broke and he’s lost his address book” – Kingstonian FC send out a tweet to help their manager trace his many lost contacts.
15 January 2019: “Woking FC’s manager has requested that anyone who has his mobile number to send him a text message as he has lost his phone contacts. He had over 2,000 contacts, and says it’s the quietest day he’s had since becoming manager” – Alan Dowson still hasn’t learned to back up his phone … and in January too!
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s a belter from David Squires, featuring espionage, Neil Warnock and merky b@ntz.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism [the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – Fiver Ed] is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us. In return we can hopefully arm you with the kind of knowledge that makes you sound slightly less uninformed during those hot reactive gegenpress chats you so enjoy. And if you think what we do is enjoyable [again, etc and so on – Fiver Ed], please help us keep coming back here to give you more of the same.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: yesterday’s Fiver. Dear Neil Warnock, if you believe Great Britain and (presumably) its football leagues would be better off without the rest of the world, I have a big, beautiful wall across northern Mexico to sell you” – Mike Hartman.
“At least he’s consistent. Like many pedants, I searched for Neil Warnock’s name in proximity to Big Cup or Big Vase. Nary a hit in reference to any club that he’s managed. I guess he really doesn’t want to be in Europe at all” – Mike Wilner.
“They say you learn something new every day. Well today I have learned two things from The Fiver, having had to google both ‘perfidies’ and ‘Sisyphean’ from your collective wordage. Before anyone gets excited, it should be noted that both words appeared in readers’ letters” – Simon Toms.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mike Wilner.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
David Wagner has written an open letter to Huddersfield fans after leaving the club by mutual consent. “I want to say thank you … we all now consider ourselves true Huddersfield folk,” he sobbed. “Together, we have achieved unbelievable things.”
Chelsea face the partial closure of Stamford Bridge in Big Vase after Uefa opened disciplinary proceedings into allegations of racist chanting during last month’s draw at Vidi.
Police in Belfast are looking into allegations Norn Iron forward Gavin Whyte was filmed performing a lewd act on himself in public. “Gavin’s actions in the video fall far below the standards we expect from a Northern Ireland international,” sniffed national team boss Michael O’Neill.
Trent Alexander-Arnold has been ruled out for a month with knee-knack. It’s a good job Liverpool didn’t loan out their only other fit right-back to Bournemouth. Oh!
Martin O’Neill has been confirmed as Nottingham Forest manager but players have been left quaking in their boots as they await news of whether Roy Keane will join him or not.
Spurs fear Harry Kane may be missing for a month with ankle-knack suffered against Manchester United.
Mr Roy is set to solve Crystal Palace’s goalkeeper crisis by signing hot young thing Lucas Perri from São Paulo on loan.
The Nasty Leeds spying latest.
Tom Rogic scored deep into added-time to ensure Australia emerged from a nervy game against Syria with the flamin’ 3-2 win they needed to progress from Group B.
And Boreham Wood FC have issued a 1,465-word statement on their club website, urging “MP’s [sic] do your duty” in regards to Tuesday night’s big Brexit vote.
STILL WANT MORE?
“I don’t use drugs but football is my drug.” Sven gets his chat on with John Duerden about managing the Philippines, his one regret and why his grey hair would stop him getting another gig in England.
David Wagner can hold his head high after his Huddersfield love affair, coos Barry Glendenning.
Deals! Deals! Deals! The latest movers and shakers in our shiny January transfer interactive.
It’s all kicking off in the world of pétanque.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
