Stating the case for No. 1, the Georgia loss, and the Penn State letter, in the latest Cavalcade of Whimsy.
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Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …
I have long hair and I don’t have a mirror (both are literally true at the moment) …
There’s about a 99.999999999% chance that anything that begins with “My wife and I are proud ‘older’ graduates of Penn state” will soon go very, very, very wrong …
Oh, so NOW you can read, Penn State people?
Some misguided old guy apparently doesn’t care too much for long hair on African-American athletes, and the whole school goes bonkers.
“Ohhhhh, we need to go on social media and see who can condemn the letter the most! Ohhhhh, and as a school, we need to send out a stern response, and we need a press conference saying we like and support all of our students and players, just in case there’s someone on Neptune who isn’t capable of comprehending on their own just how obviously off that letter is. And … oh, OHHHHHHHHH. T-SHIRTS!!!!!! WE … NEED … T-SHIRTS, because it’s vital to show school solidarity against misguided old farty guys, and NOTHING in this country in 2019 makes misguided old farty guys more woke than a young person wearing a smartly-worded t-shirt!!!”
Actually, well done, Penn State. That’s how to immediately rally around something like this to show your full and unmeasured support as a community, except when it comes to being afraid of an NCAA violation when the players wore those shirts, but that’s for another time. With that said …
WHERE THE HELL WAS ANY OF THIS EIGHT YEARS AGO?
To those who did the easy thing and went off on this letter, have you all read the Freeh Report yet to get some sort of a historical grasp on why the words Penn State are still so cringeworthy for so many people?
“Uhhhhhhh, haven’t had time. We don’t pay attention to that stuff. That’s all in the past. We have to move on. We just have to go about our business and take care of what we can take care of. We weren’t involved in any of that, and … Michigan is up next. WHITE OUT … we’re having a WHITE OUT!!! You know, one of the best atmospheres in college football! WE ARE … ”
I asked dozens and dozens of Penn State people, players and coaches over the course of that nightmarish time whether or not they read the Freeh Report, or kept up with the reporting of Sara Ganim and others, or were willing to take any semblance of a public stand against the unrelenting screams from the JoeBots, and … crickets.
And that included several “clean cut” Penn State athletes, too …
And with it all, apparently, comes this delightful colonoscopy thing that the kids are all raving about …
Since I’m about ten minutes away from crossing the border into being one of these old guys who gets in trouble for saying or writing something that doesn’t get accepted as kosher, let’s get it all out of the way now.
Like all people, I have ingrained biases and issues with and against certain things. So for the record, here are the main ones living deep in my brain. I’ll cut to the chase and release them now, so everyone can fire away, look and point at the bad, silly man, and we can get to the good place faster.
FOR THE GLORY, I’m biased against …
Short NFL quarterbacks; country music; Group of Five programs who whine about not getting enough respect despite mostly playing other Group of Five programs; women who obviously use botox; double that if they’re wearing a shirt that says Spiritual Gangster; coaches who go for two before they absolutely have to; paper straws; takeout people who turn the screen around to see if I added a tip after they did nothing but take-bag-hand-bag; FBS teams playing FCS teams; bikers when I’m driving and drivers when I’m biking; teams that can’t effectively run the ball; drivers who don’t look up from their phones when the light is green; teams wearing alternative uniforms instead of the iconic ones; waitstaff who don’t keep my Diet Coke glass constantly filled; people who want to brag that they saw Hamilton even though it wasn’t with Lin-Manuel Miranda, which makes it the equivalent of seeing a Radiohead cover band instead of Radiohead, and …
People who aren’t really, really excited about what’s shaping up to be a whale of a second half of the 2019 college football season.
NEXT: Who’s No. 1?
“They got me waiting in the lobby!”
At the midway point of the season, who’s really the No. 1 team in college football right now. Calling in the first applicant …
And you are …
The Team: Alabama Crimson Tide
The Public: And why do you think you should be No. 1?
The Team: We have an ungodly group of NFL offensive talent and …
The Public: Stop. Don’t care. So do others in the lobby. Keep it to what you’ve done, please.
The Team: No one has come closer than 19 points, and even that game against Texas A&M was a wipeout …
The Public: Good … go on …
The Team: We’re averaging 51 points per game and haven’t had a lick of drama yet. We score at will, there haven’t been any issues so far as we do whatever we want offensively, whenever we want.
The Public: And the defense? You’re sort of soft – for you – against the run, the secondary looks a tad questionable, and what’s with all the penalties?
The Team: Yeah, working on it … and we’re still destroying everyone so far.
The Public: And you’ve played someone really, really good, of course.
The Team: That’s coming, but …
The Public: NEXT
The Team: Clemson Tigers
The Public: And why do you think you should be No. 1?
The Team: Well, we’re the defending national champs and we’re unbea ….
The Public: Thank you … NEXT
The Team: Wait, what?
The Public: We don’t care about what you might have done last season. If that’s what you’re leading with, move along …
The Team: But we have the No. 1 pick in the 2021 NFL Draft, as much NFL talent as anyone, and …
The Public: Thank you for coming in … NEXT …
The Team: Wait … wait. Okay. We haven’t played up to our full capabilities yet, but even with that we’re still 6-0, we’re allowing just 12 points per game, the defense is third in the nation, and we really do have the elite skill talent to blow up at any time. All the pieces are there to look and play like the top team in college football, and …
The Public: What’s this 21-20 close call against North Carolina that we’re seeing here?
The Team: Yes, but we managed to pull that out in the final moments, and …
The Public: Thank you … NEXT ….
The Team: LSU Tigers (comes in, sits down, puts feet up on desk)
The Public: And why do you think you should be No. 1, and don’t you own socks?
The Team: (with a wry smile) 45 points at Texas. 42 points against Florida. 6-0. No. 1 in the nation in scoring. No. 2 in the nation in passing. No. 2 in the nation in total offense …
The Public: Very nice. But about this defense, it’s okay, but in those big games …
The Team: Don’t need one. It’s good enough. No one can stop us. (Gets up and walks out the door)
The Public: Wait … WAIT! You want your parking validated? NEXT!
The Team: Oklahoma Sooners
The Public: And why do you think you should be No. 1?
The Team: We have the No. 1 offense, the most efficient passing attack, the most exciting player going in college football right now, and yeah, we have a little bit of a defense this year. And …
The Public: And the good defense your No. 1 offense has gone against?
The Team: We just rolled up Texas to go to 6-0 and …
The Public: Thank you … NEXT …
The Team: Ohio State Buckeyes
The Public: And why do you think you should be No. 1?
The Team: No one has come remotely close to being able to hang with us. We won two conference road games by a combined score of 99-17, and …
The Public: Against Indiana and Nebraska.
The Team: Yeah, but those were conference games, and we ripped up Michigan State 34-10, and handed Cincinnati is only loss with a 42-0 blasting, and …
The Public: Really, you’re bragging about Cincinnati as your big non-conference win? And what Power Five victories do you have when you’re not dealing with the violent storms that are Nebraska and Indiana?
The Team: But that’s our schedule, and we’ve been flawless so far, and …
The Public: Sold. We’ll discuss later. Thank you … NEXT …
The Team: Wisconsin Badgers
The Public: And why do you think you should be No. 1?
The Team: Because we are No. 1.
The Public: Exsqueeze me?
The Team: No. 1 in total defense. No. 1 in scoring defense, rush defense, pass defense, third down defense, time of possession …
The Public: Okay, okay … but we see here that all of your games have been at home except for the opener against USF …
The Team: Yeah, but we’ve pitched four shutouts in six games, which hasn’t been done since the 1960s, and we’re the only team that hasn’t trailed in any game this year.
The Public: But … Central Michigan, Kent State?
The Team: And Michigan, and Michigan State. Neither team was ever in the game against us. We hammered the Spartans worse than Ohio State did, and the Wolverines were done when they got off the bus.
The Public: Interesting … do us a favor. Give us a holler in a few weeks after your trip to Columbus and we’ll talk, mmmkay? NEXT! … Georgia? Did they leave already?
NEXT: Speaking of the Dawgs …
And I easily came away the loser and lesser person in each and every one of the conversations …
Forgive me for being that guy who embeds his own tweet, but I wasted the better part of two days arguing with people over this …
As God as my witness, 1) I thought turkeys could fly, and 2) I didn’t think there was ANYTHING remotely controversial here as I gave it zero thought before hitting the button.
To be fair, I didn’t expand too much or go into enough detail, because I forget on twitter that I sort of have to.
No, I’m not saying it’ll happen, and no, I’m not a Georgia fan – so don’t bet me that the Bulldogs aren’t going to run the table – but the general point is the same.
This year, NO MATTER WHAT, a 12-1 SEC Champion is absolutely going to get into the College Football Playoff.
Whether it’s Alabama, LSU, Florida, Auburn, or Georgia – and maybe Missouri if the NCAA finally does right by the program – it doesn’t matter. 12-1 with an SEC Championship is good enough.
That doesn’t make me an SEC homer, it doesn’t mean I have and SEC bias – OOOH, I forgot that one; I actually do, because the league has more NFL talent than anyone else – but it’s simply a fact.
Yes, it was a bad loss. Clemson lost two years ago to a Syracuse team that went 4-8 and was the CFP No. 1 seed.
Yes, Ohio State went 12-1 with a Big Ten title and was left out. And despite the final rankings, the committee would’ve thought differently and put it in if it wasn’t for 12-0 Notre Dame.
Yes, other conference champs have been left out … with two losses.
Clemson can go unbeaten, Oklahoma or Baylor can go unbeaten, there can be an unbeaten Big Ten champ, and that fourth spot – no matter what Oregon or Utah does in the Pac-12 – will go to the 12-1 SEC champ, if it’s not undefeated.
Let’s just say it is Georgia. That would mean the Dawgs would’ve beaten Notre Dame, Florida, Missouri, at Auburn, Texas A&M, and then either LSU, Alabama or Auburn out of the West. No other team would have that resumé as a conference champ, and that goes for the other SEC teams in the mix for the SEC title, too.
With that said …
NEXT: Five Cavalcade of Whimsy footballey opinions and, like, other stuff
Five Cavalcade of Whimsy footballey opinions and, like, other stuff
5. The Pac-12 isn’t dead
If you want chaos that’s no too far-fetched, here we go. What happens it the Pac-12 champ – Oregon or Utah – Oklahoma, and Clemson all finish their respective seasons 12-1 with a conference championship. What happens?
This would be the ultimate test for the committee. In terms of resumé, Clemson would be out, but that’s asking a lot if it’s rolling everyone and has one weird day against, say, Wake Forest or South Carolina.
Oklahoma might need to roll without a blemish, considering Baylor is about to hit the nasty part in its schedule and with nothing in non-conference play to hang a hat on.
It’s why style points are going to matter for Oregon and Utah going forward. Just keep one eye on those two. The Pac-12 isn’t there yet – it’s out if the big boys in the other four leagues keep winning – but it might be a factor more than you think.
4. Princeton vs. Rutgers
In this, the 150th anniversary since the first time these two played, can we give Rutgers a break from getting tortured by the Big Ten and have a rematch? The Scarlet Knights are devastated, depleted, and just running out the string, but Princeton is 4-0 and playing well.
ESPN, make it happen and send Gameday there doing a retro broadcast as if it was 1869. Ehhhhh. maybe next year when it actually is the 150th season of college football.
3. Dak Prescott is just over 6-2, BTW …
This never works when it comes to eye-balling height, but I’m exactly 6-2 – just got measured and I’m right on it – and I’ve stood next to Jalen Hurts a few times. He’s listed at 6-2 and is around 220 pounds, but that seems a wee bit generous. Okay, that’s fine – that’s probably right. At some point, though, I want see what a big 6-5, 225-pound NFL baller could do running this Lincoln Riley offense.
I still don’t buy into Baker Mayfield, and I’m never going to be sold that Kyler Murray can last until he actually does. And yeah, this O is about timing, quickness, and accuracy, and size doesn’t necessarily matter …
But I’d like to see if it does. Like …
Dwayne Haskins is 6-4 and 230.
2. Tanks for the season …
Here’s my issue with the whole idea of Houston allegedly tanking this year. 1) There’s no guarantee that any guys supposedly being saved for next year are going to stay, thanks to this new world of the transfer portal, 2) it’s easy to get other guys from the transfer portal next year if needed, and 3) …
THERE’S NO DRAFT.
It’s not like the Cougars can tank and be in the race to get top quarterback prospect – and Clemson commit – DJ Uiagaleilei.
1. The LSU defense
Just putting it out there now to revisit later.
Is anyone else a wee bit worried about the LSU defense?
Kyle Trask is fine but he just threw for over 300 yards and four touchdowns. Sam Ehlinger threw for over 400 yards and four scores. At some point, if LSU survives all of this, it’s going to have to deal with Trevor Lawrence, or Jalen Hurts, or Justin Herbert, or Justin Fields, or Tua a second time around.
The offense is amazing and unstoppable, but in general, when it comes to winning national titles over the BCS and CFP era, the teams with the high-powered offenses don’t win it over the teams with a defense. Any team LSU faces in the playoff will have equal talent on the offensive side.
The Tigers still get to play Auburn, Alabama and Texas A&M, and so far the defense has been good, but not amazing in the big games. Look at this as a positive. There’s still room for this ultra-talented group to improve – more takeaways, a bit more of a pass rush, tighter pass defense – and if it does, then this might be Game Over.
NEXT: The sure-thing picks of the century for this week
This week’s reason I should be the SEVENTH prognosticator on the set of the new FOX College Football Pregame thingy …
I’m not as jacked as Gronk, but I can certainly bring this sort of NFL-caliber analysis to the college side …
From Rob Gronkowski’s debut last Thursday night when asked about San Francisco tight end George Kittle and why he’s so great.
“Like me, he loves lifting weights” and “whenever he get the ball, he just wants to go to the end zone.”
I love lifting weights! I want to go to the end zone!
The sure-thing, 100%, rock-solid lock, sell the house, sell the kids, no doubt about it picks of the century for this week
PICK SO FAR: 35-12 SU, 25-21-2 ATS
I’m winning the weeks, I’m doing right by you, and I’m helping your cause to pay for Junior’s pricey Krispy Kreme habit.
Fortunately, these picks are all correct.
Do this, or I’ll have to go get a job serving those Krispy, Kremes. If you choose to dabble, sign up with BetMGM though this link to take part in any of these games or other action on the schedule.
– Indiana -3.5 over Maryland
– Wisconsin -31 over Illinois
– Arizona State +14 over Utah (but Utah straight up)
– Arizona +9.5 at USC (but USC straight up)
– Oklahoma State -3 over Baylor
– Missouri -21.5 over Vanderbilt
– UNDER Charlotte at WKU 50.5
– Michigan +9 over Penn State (but Penn State straight up)
C.O.W. shameless gimmick item …
The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
5) Overrated: LSU’s sloganey thing …
Underrated: What if your dream is to lose to LSU?
4) Overrated: Going on social media and ripping the NFL for being unwatchable for a variety of reasons …
Underrated: While watching the NFL, which, apparently, the whole world is doing as much or more than ever.
3) Overrated: Just what makes that little old ant … Think he’ll move that rubber tree plant … Anyone knows an ant, can’t …
Underrated: Getting the ball over the goal line
2) Overrated: Watching any MLB playoff game until at least the 7th inning
Underrated: Being 0-for-7 this post-season trying to remember what channel TBS is, being too lazy to hit the GUIDE button and scrolling, turning to channel 242, being wrong, and giving up
1) Overrated: Minnesota 34, Nebraska 7
Underrated: Miss me yet?
Sorry if this column sucked, I wasn’t my fault …
We’re only six-seven games into the season. This was a dumb-ass column …
