What I think, know and believe about the college football world during a global pandemic, the wacky Big Ten, and the craziest offseason ever in the 2020 debut of the Cavalcade of Whimsy.
– Contact/Follow @ColFootballNews & @PeteFiutak
– Check out all the past Cavalcades
Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …
It’s those fear-porn peddling sports media people, with all of their fancy schmancy facts based on things being told to them by experts and specialists.
Pinkos.
– The Wacky Big Ten Offseason
– The Players Should Be Demanding …
– 5 Footballey Opinions
– Sure-Thing Picks of the Century
Think, Know, Believe, Eat, Pray Love, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, Little, Yellow, Different, Better, Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV …
After all of whatever that was over the last seven months, we kickoff the 2020 Cavalcade with the pretentiousness pedal pushed to the floor.
Welcome to the debut of a new segment: I Think, I Know, I Believe.
I Think: You desperately need and deserve a break from the real world, and you need college football – issues and all – as an escape.
I Know: I do.
I Believe: After this week, I’ll keep it about college football as much as possible throughout this season. Welcome to the bubble. Clean up after yourselves.
I Think: “Your” a moron if you believe the college football media doesn’t want college football.
I Know: The college football media doesn’t have the slimmest sliver of power and influence you think it has.
I Believe: I don’t even have power or influence over the kid at Chipotle to give me an honest serving of barbacoa in my bowl.
I Think: In the time of a global pandemic, colleges have absolutely zero clue how to run school as we normally know it.
I Know: Regular class life is or will be disrupted all across the country.
I Believe: College football isn’t regular college.
I Think: Optics are in the eye of the beholder.
I Know: The optics of college football being played if regular students aren’t on campus are awful.
I Believe: Optics my ass to 99% of college football fans once the ball is kicked off.
I Think: Compared to the rest of the normal student population, during the season, college football players at least have the structure, constant medical attention and supervision, and the focused-mindset goal to not do something stupid.
I Know: College students gonna go college students.
I Believe: You can’t negotiate with a virus, or college students with a taste of freedom.
I Think: It’s really, really gross and disgusting to use the COVID-19 nightmare to analyze the potential of wins and losses.
I Know: The team that keeps its car on the track and can finish the race without a slew of in-season infections will be the most successful when it comes to wins and losses.
I Believe: Everyone will have to use the COVID-19 nightmare to analyze the potential of wins and losses, and it’s going to be icky.
I Think: You can’t socially distance and play football. All the rules for mask-wearing and all the other protocols on the field are ridiculous.
I Know: College football isn’t inherently doable now just because no one on Central Arkansas or Austin Peay passed out from the virus during the game.
I Believe: Twitter needs to flag those who thought they were original by posting how FCS teams played college football while the Big Ten can’t figure it out.
I Think: Almost all college-age students and football players who get the virus will turn out to be just fine. If they get it, they’ll quarantine, get past it, and will be out there doing what they do a few weeks later.
I Know: “Almost” isn’t everyone. Way too many people – especially a certain creepy sports sect that pushes false equivalency schtick – are way, way, WAY too cost-of-doing-business-cool with the death of almost 200,000 Americans.
I Believe: Those who think this is no big whoop don’t know the people I do – of various age groups – who can’t shake it from their systems several months after getting sick. They’re not going to die from it, but between the debilitating headaches, the side effects leading to hospital trips, and/or simply not being able to function, pray you don’t ever know what that’s like.
I Think: We’re this close to having a super-fast, cheap, and reliable test that on a mass scale that will change everything.
I Know: College football will get back something close to normal once the tests becomes an easy part of the routine,
I Believe: SEC commissioner Greg Sankey is banking on those tests being ready by late September. The Big Ten could save face and pivot in a hurry if these tests really are in place over the next month or so.
I Think: The SEC isn’t quite the 100% sure-thing to play that y’all might think it is. It’s being careful, and it’s being smart by waiting until late September.
I Know: The Big Ten got dunked on by the ACC, SEC and Big 12.
I Believe: All of the Power Five conferences came to the same conclusion, but the instant the Big Ten announced it was postponing the season, everything changed because, like everything else, this fell along partisan lines.
I Think: Justin Fields really does want to play.
I Know: He’s the starting quarterback for any team but Clemson if he chooses to transfer.
I Believe: If all the people who signed Fields’ petition gave him $500, that’s not even close to what he’ll make in career earnings if he just spends the next several months staying safe and healthy.
I Think: The 2020 college football season is going to finish as scheduled.
I Know: The 2020 college football season is going to start as scheduled.
I Believe: The 2020 college football season is going to be a flaming hot mess in between.
I Think: I believe the 2021 college football season will be almost back to normal.
I Know: I think the 2021 college football season will be almost back to normal.
I Believe: I know the 2021 college football season will be almost back to normal.
– The Wacky Big Ten Offseason
– The Players Should Be Demanding …
– 5 Footballey Opinions
– Sure-Thing Picks of the Century
NEXT: Oh that wacky Big Ten …
Because a wildly successful business just LOVES losing hundreds of millions of dollars
I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but 26 football parents showed up at the Big Ten headquarters. They’ve come armed with a fully loaded snit, and they appear ready to throw it.
Ohhhhh noooooo … the Big Ten has a PR issue.
Ohhhhh noooooo … commissioner Kevin Warren is getting negative press for simply representing the Big Ten presidents, who actually made the decision to postpone the season.
Ohhhhh noooooo … how will the business model ever survive, considering Big Ten fans love the product so much that they lost their minds once it was taken away?
Ohhhhh nooooo … the recruiting! Oh dear heavens (pearls fully clutched) won’t somebody PLEASE think of the recruiting?
Wait a minute. This escalated quickly. The football parents are taking this to a whole other level with a bluntly-worded letter. Oh no …
They … they have a … a … a signed petition?!
Okay. Let’s be reasonable about this. We’re not monsters. There’s no need for things to get out of control. No matter what, we can work this out. There’s no reason to do anything we’ll all regret, and …
Oh dear God. For the love of humanity and all its glorious beauty, this is not a drill. Repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL …
They have handmade signs.
THAT’S WRITTEN IN PERMANENT MARKER! DAMN YOU!!!
Now what? How can the biggest conference in college athletics possibly survive after all of THAT this summer?
My fellow brothers and sisters in the college football media world.
1) I love you, but why the hell did you give the “movement” so much oxygen? Did you conflate people whining over not having Big Ten football for a few months – and parents complaining about their sons having to delay their college football careers for a bit – with the real, meaningful activism happening throughout the summer?
2) Coaches don’t make policy. If it’s not coming from a college president, most athletic directors, or Warren, it’s almost always delivered with a basket of bull muffins.
3) Really? Some of you seriously fell for the stunt? There are people operating among us who actually believe that a call from the President of the United States was going to get the Big Ten playing football next week.
You want ego at the highest of levels? Try 11 major university presidents whose decision is being questioned.
4) Doesn’t anyone fully understand what a monster the Big Ten is?
Yeah, it was a bad look for the conference. So?
I’m not being a snot here – what do you actually think will happen to the Big Ten?
That’s right. Absolutely nothing.
The Big Ten pulls in over $750 million a year. It has the biggest geographic reach, the biggest alumni base, and the biggest collective group of TV markets of any of the college conferences.
And don’t think for a second that a part of this isn’t about the ACC, Big 12, and SEC sticking it to the biggest bad boy on the block.
Yeah, individual schools and athletic departments are getting financially crushed right now, but that snaps back – albeit in a different way – and the cash machine turns back on once football returns in 2021 and beyond.
Yeah, it would’ve saved everyone a whole lot of time and a world of headaches if the Big Ten had been more transparent from the start, but it didn’t.
It didn’t have to.
It’s the Big f-ing Ten.
With all of that said, however …
You think this is bad? Try spending half your year researching and writing 54 previews for teams that aren’t going to play
I actually do get your frustration, Big Ten parents. Of course I do. We all want to see our kids live out their dreams, but no answer from the Big Ten powers-that-be would’ve changed anything or been satisfactory for you.
However, you’re not arguing hard enough for the thing you should be blasting the Big Ten for.
Okay, so many of you are, but this is a real issue that the players, fans, and parents have right.
They’re … still … practicing.
Big Ten commissioner Kevin Warren and the Big Ten presidents made a call, and whether you agree with it or not, not playing in the fall of 2020 was what they felt was the responsible thing to do.
Don’t honk at them for that. Honk because they’re not allowing teams to play the games, and they’re STILL taking on risks.
Pick a lane. Is football safe, or not?
Let’s cut the crap. The Big Ten isn’t “postponing” anything. It cancelled the 2020 fall college football season, and any part of this that comes later – like after Thanksgiving or in the spring – will be nothing more than a gimmicky money grab in an entity all its own until the 2021 campaign.
I do really think that the Big Ten’s grand-scheme-of-things heart was in the right place.
Everyone’s trying to figure this out, and absolutely no one in any capacity has a firm grip on what this virus really is and what we’re still in for. So if the Big Ten was simply taking a time out – from a liability side, as well as for the well-being of the players and coaches – so be it.
But why the practices?
I know, I know, these aren’t the all-in, Oklahoma drill-like practices with guys blasting into each other, and I know the concern was about the logistics and concerns about playing a contact sport, but if all the Big Ten teams were under the same protocols and standards – which was the whole reason for the conference-only schedule – then why can’t you figure out how to play each other?
Oh, by the way. All that stuff I ranted on before about the Big Ten being really rich? It can totally afford to test all the college football players, however, that would require some further hard realities to face. Which brings me to …
NEXT: To all the college football players. Let me help you …
To all the college football players who are doing everything possible to change around a system that’s doing everything possible not to change
I say this as someone who’s 100% on your side, and as someone who desperately wants to see this college athletic business model blown up.
I can’t stress this enough – I’m with you, I’m with you, I’m with you, and it starts with this …
You suck at business and negotiation.
I don’t say that to be mean, because you’re not supposed to be good at this quite yet. You’ve spent your life working on school, football, and doing all the things necessary to get to where you are.
Meanwhile, the people in charge of universities and major college athletics are high-end professional businessmen and women who are twice or three times your age, and they’ve been spending your life span – if not a whole lot longer – doing the things they’ve needed to do to get to where they are.
It’s not a fair fight, and it shows because you’re not even playing the right game. You don’t even know where the stadium is.
For example, of course those in charge will be happy to allow you to have a seat at the table in meetings about future discussions about how to create a panel with suggestions regarding the best way to talk about how to put together a timetable – you get the idea – in the name of social justice.
You’ll probably get to put a sticker on your helmet, too.
Yeah … and how about a cut of the revenue? You sort of demanded it, players, but you’re asking them to figure it out for you. That’s not going to work.
Yeah … and how about true and meaningful longer-term health care for injuries occurring during your time playing college football? Again, you asked them to figure it out for you. That’s not going to work.
18-to-23-year-old football players, I have two words that should scare you to death if you truly understand what they mean: preexisting condition.
So forgive me for being brutally harsh here, but the faster you understand your situation, the better your chances to get something you want and deserve.
Get this into your collective heads, college football players.
1. College football is a multi-billion dollar business.
2. You’re entertainers. You’re in show business.
3. Colleges aren’t doing you a favor. You are where you are because you worked your ass off to get there, and you have a marketable skill that they need. However …
4. You’re TOTALLY expendable. College football will go on without you.
5. Everything you’re fighting for will be for the guys coming after you. So unless you’re prepared to sacrifice your own dreams and your own college football careers, you’re not getting any meaningful thing.
You want to argue with me? You think you know what you’re doing? Okay …
#WeWantToPlay
What the hell was that?
That might as well have been #WeAreSOOOOODesperateSoPleaseTakeAllOurLeverage.
Oh wait, but there’s more. You want to know how far out of your depth you are, college football players? Try this one out.
Colleges not only have you believing they’re doing you a favor, they have you suckered into a worse deal than you can possibly imagine.
When you hear the term non-revenue sport, who do you think is paying for the coaches and these other athletes to do their after-school activities? Okay, not totally, but a when it comes to a chunk of it …
YOU – and the other revenue producing athletes – ARE.
You know all those athletic department cuts being made at school after school? Yeah, those people were partially getting paid off the revenue that you generated.
Don’t you see what’s happening here? No football, no other sports other than the ones that can pay for themselves.
THAT’S it, college football players. THAT’S your leverage going forward.
It stinks, it’s ugly, it’s brutal, and it’s business.
But it all starts with having real professionals help you out.
The only thing that matters to you is the ability to have an agent and proper representation to negotiate on your behalf. Without that, the college system is going to dictate its own terms, and you’re not going to have any sort of say.
How do you do that? College team player reps, you need LeBron on your side. He has power. Trevor Lawrence doesn’t.
You need high-profile professional athletes and other figures to take on the heavy lifting that you’re not financially and legally able to. So instead of sending a list of demands to the conferences, send an SOS to the real power brokers to help.
Be interested in what Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is going to do with the XFL. This might be a case of art imitating life with a Spencer Strasmore-like advocate in Johnson – a former Miami Hurricane – coming up with an alternative pro football solution that might finally have some teeth.
It’s going to be hard, but you’ve got this … eventually.
Even if those demands you sent out didn’t really have any teeth, you’re on your way.
NEXT: The COW footballey opinions on footballey stuff
Five Cavalcade of Whimsy footballey opinions and, like, other stuff
1. What we learned this offseason, Part 1
This should be the easiest of tap-in putts.
Don’t use the n-word.
Never, ever, ever, ever, ever.
Don’t use it when quoting rap lyrics.
Don’t use it when citing Tarantino.
Don’t use it when singing along with “Savage” while three pages deep in a Megan Thee Stallion Google image search.
College football coaches, just don’t say it, NO MATTER WHAT.
Besides it obviously being wrong, someone on a team will hear it was said – even if he didn’t hear it directly – and then bad things will happen.
That’s not being all woke; don’t use it.
Don’t use it if you’re trying to be relatable, or if you’re trying to hype up your guys, and even if it’s for the right reasons, don’t say the n-word when telling your players to stop saying the n-word.
In fact, don’t even say, “the n-word.”
2. The opt out
I’ll probably go into a bigger thing about this next week, but out of all the changes to come in the college football world after this crazy year, the normalization of the opt out might be the biggest.
I’ve been arguing this for years, and now it’s finally happening. If you’re a top 50-caliber NFL prospect, you never, ever play one more down of college football than you absolutely have to.
The three-year-out-of-high-school rule for NFL eligibility has always been unfair. Players are finally realizing that it’s not worth the risk, and that’s okay.
Many are legitimately using the concerns over COVID as a reason, just like college basketball players used to claim family hardship to jump early to the NBA. Soon, the right business decision is going to be the new normal.
And college football will be just fine.
3. “How can anyone be for (insert candidate here).”
Here’s part of the reason why wanting sports media types to Stick To Sports doesn’t work. No one understands the tribal nature of being on a side better than those who cover college sports.
You think there’s really that much of a leap from the the world of insanely liking and forgiving your candidate no matter what, to insanely liking and forgiving a sports team no matter what?
Penn State ring a bell?
How about whenever there’s a scandal involving a star player at a school. The base circles the wagons, ignores all logic and reason, and stays true to the colors. If that same thing happens to the rival, commence blasting away.
Sound familiar?
4. Maybe it’s the whole after dark thing.
The Pac-12 college football fans care.
I’ve been on the business end of the USC outrage from time-to-time, and Oregon and Washington fans can be as feisty as anyone. But there isn’t a fan base anywhere – and this includes the SEC – like Ohio State’s, and that’s not necessarily a compliment.
The Buckeye types are making a whole lot of noise, because that’s what they do.
How many Wisconsin fans lost their stuff over the Big Ten not playing football in 2020? That pin you heard drop came over the deafening silence from the Maryland and Rutgers bases.
Even Penn State and Michigan fans have been relatively calm during all of this.
Nebraska went berzerk, and the Ohio State faithful would get angry at free chocolate chip cookies. The Pac-12 doesn’t really have that. It doesn’t mean the fans don’t care.
5. What did we learn this offseason, Part 2
Every team will have someone who’s mad, and he’s more than happy to tell you about it on social media.
Finally, the players have a voice and can keep the college coaching staffs accountable when something isn’t right. However, among any group of 100+ people in a highly-charged setting, there are going to be ruffled feathers, and there will be disgruntled parts wanting to state their beef.
There’s a difference between calling out a coach for being insensitive to an issue or being just flat-out wrong, and a misunderstanding that can be cleared up in a five minute meeting.
What did we learn? Coaches had better make sure every single player from the star quarterback down to the walk-on punter knows that the door really is always open, and to come in first before hitting the button.
NEXT: The sure-thing picks of the century for this week
This week’s reason I should be the next Commissioner of the Big Ten …
My communication skills are peerless. I’m multilingual. I speak Kiffin …
Lane Kiffin says players whose conferences have decided to postpone fall sports should be free to transfer without penalty. https://t.co/lthXnx7yV7 pic.twitter.com/zMTxUAoFfB
— ESPN College Football (@ESPNCFB) August 19, 2020
Translation: He’s saying he wants everyone to be able to transfer, and he wants all the good players to come to Ole Miss.
The sure-thing, 100%, rock-solid lock, sell the house, sell the kids, no doubt about it picks of the century for this week
PICK SO FAR: 0-0 SU, 0-0 ATS
I needed that last touchdown pass from Central Arkansas to keep me in check. I nailed everything about that game against Austin Peay except the winner, the winner against the spread, and the point total. Other than that, it was all great.
One pass.
I needed the soft opening to keep me humble and focused. That moment is over.
Fortunately, these picks are all correct.
– Arkansas State +19 over Memphis
– SMU -22 over Texas State
– Army -3 over Middle Tennessee
– (and only because some guy out there put down $110,000 the other way) Navy +1.5 over BYU
C.O.W. shameless gimmick item …
The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
5) Overrated: Wings
Underrated: Boneless wings (yeah, I said it … LET’S GO)
4) Overrated: Big Ten
Underrated: Big 10 or B1G
3) Overrated: Wireless Application Protocol
Underrated: WAP
2) Overrated: Wasting an entire summer hitting refresh on Twitter to see what’s happening next in the college football world.
Underrated: The 92-year-old guy getting exactly what Twitter can and should be …
Hello everyone! This is Vin Scully here. Delighted to join you on twitter. Have a great day! #VinScully pic.twitter.com/RKbSzCiWwq
— Vin Scully (@TheVinScully) September 2, 2020
1) Overrated: Those who feel the need to say, “That’s so 2020,” or something like that, every time something bad happens.
Underrated: We’re here, and they’re playing college football. 2020 starts now.
Sorry if this column sucked, I wasn’t my fault …
I actually thought all of the other columnists were on the same page. We all had the same data, the same advice, and roughly the same expert opinions, and we were all going to shut down until it was safe to be writing again.
— TexAgs (@TexAgs) August 10, 2020
Oops.
