The College Football Playoff rankings edition, and LSU vs. Alabama, in the latest Cavalcade of Whimsy.
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Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …
It doubted Jake Fromm …
This is actually going to be a whole lot easier than it seems, but …
Dear College Football Playoff committee,
Please don’t screw this up.
There is no UCFish Group of Five thing to deal with this year – not that there actually was one over the last two seasons – and there’s no undefeated Notre Dame curveball.
We trust that each of the committee members had a visit with the MIB Neuralyzer before entering the room in Grapevine – of course, none of you remember that – so no one has any recollection of what happened last season, and there are no preconceived notions as you do this.
We already know who the four best teams in college football are.
Ohio State, LSU, Alabama, Clemson.
Oh sure, you’ll probably put Clemson around 6ish to start – since its schedule was ordered off of the kid’s menu – but whatever. Talent-wise, its one of just six teams – let’s say Oregon and Georgia are there, too – who could actually win a game or two.
No, last year didn’t exist, but we do have to see 13-0 Clemson in, just like we had to see an unbeaten Florida State in the tournament in 2014.
Penn State will have its say. If it beats Ohio State, then you’ll have some work to do.
Oklahoma … nah. The schedule isn’t Clemson’s, but it sure is nice and squishy. If it wins out and goes 12-1, though, it’ll have a seat at the table.
Oregon and Utah are strong, but that Duck loss to Auburn pretty much ends that argument – you can’t put in Oregon over Florida, at least on merit – and Utah’s loss at USC is a stinger.
So now it’s your job to sell it no matter what. After last year’s disaster of a playoff with those three awful games, America needs something amazing again.
We don’t need any more charity selections just because an okay team happens to have the right record – even if it’s the right thing to do to give that team the nod.
We all know that you had to put in Notre Dame and Oklahoma last year – really, we know, you had to do it – but we also know that Ohio State and Georgia would’ve made it a better tournament.
This year, bring it.
Don’t explain. Don’t couch your choices. Don’t talk about process – we know how well that goes over with a portion of our nation right now – and don’t try to explain anything.
We want Rob Mullens to come walking out after the first rankings are released and say …
“Ohio State, LSU, Alabama, Clemson … duh.”
And walk out of the room.
And when we all ask about the other 21 teams in the rankings, as he’s walking out, we want him to say, “you heard me.”
We’re here. It’s College Football Playoff rankings time.
Let’s go.
NEXT: With ALL of that said …
“I can’t let you in here. You’re wearing an ascot.”
This thing has to change.
The College Football Playoff committee can’t be the Steve Rubell of sports, as it keeps all but the most fabulous from getting into the club.
There has to be a way to tweak the system so that every team can come into the season with some path to playing for the national championship.
With that in mind, welcome to the 22nd annual CFN How The College Football Playoff Should Be rant.
It’s been said and written time after time after time, and yet players are probably going to start getting paid before college football finally has a fair and just playoff system.
At the moment, the committee can pick any four teams it wants to. It’s bound by nothing but its own judgement. There can still be an element of that, but …
Eight teams, all five Power Five conference champions, the top-ranked Group of Five champion, two wild-cards just in case the 12-0 juggernaut has a bad day and loses it conference title game to some 9-3 upstart, or for Notre Dame, or for the loser of the massive Game of the Century of This Year.
To dream, this is what your playoff could potentially be …
ACC: Clemson
Big Ten: Ohio State/Penn State winner
Big 12: Oklahoma
Pac-12: Oregon/Utah winner
SEC: LSU/Alabama winner
Group of Five: Cincinnati/Memphis winner
Wild-Card: LSU/Alabama loser
Wild-Card: Ohio State/Penn State loser
Finally, being the 1 seed would mean something – it would most likely get the Group of Five team – and just imagine the intensity of the division races in the Big Ten West, ACC Coastal, and for a spot in the Big 12 Championship, knowing how many teams have a shot at getting in by winning a conference championship.
NEXT: Someday, the games will probably be played by gamers on a screen, anyway …
Oh, so you think the NCAA is in trouble, do you?
Last week the NCAA made a big declaration that it would set up a time when it could talk about potentially discussing the idea of creating a focus group to look into the viability of forming a committee that would study the possibility of student-athletes maybe, kinda, sorta, being able to profit off of their images and likenesses at some point down the road, as long as it was regulated and fit within the collegiate model.
The media hailed this as the moment college athletics were about to change, and it might mean the demise of the NCAA, and ….
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
The world is responding with a collective, “fine, whatever, dude. LSU is playing Alabama.”
The NCAA not only isn’t going anywhere, but its position is actually being strengthened if players are able to make money off of video games, jerseys, etc. And why?
That means the NCAA and the schools don’t have to pay the players.
I’m now going to let you in on a little secret that the NCAA doesn’t want you to know. I’m going to whisper here, so come closer …
College athletes don’t matter.
People watch professional sports partly because they know they’re seeing the best players in the world on display. It’s why there’s no second major basketball league, it’s why MLS isn’t the EPL, and it’s why the XFL is going to fold in 3 … 2 … who wants to see mediocre athletes?
College fans do. In fact, part of the charm is knowing that 98% of the guys out there are going to be sales reps in two years.
College football, for example, is a sport where Tim Tebow can be a god, and Patrick Mahomes can be just a guy.
The NCAA knows that it doesn’t need the star players for the business model to work. So a guy wants to get paid? Fine, go, bye. Go be Nick Bosa and prepare for the next level – it’s not like there was an empty seat in the house last year for the Michigan game.
So you want to argue this? You think individual college players are important? Let me show you something …
The NCAA Tournament.
Our country all but shuts down for two days in March as everyone gives their full and undivided attention to a sport full of teams they’ve never seen full of players they’ve never heard of.
Like 99.99999% of the people who submitted a bracket last March had the first clue who Ja Morant or Tacko Fall were.
Like 99.99999999999% of the people who tuned in to SMU vs. Memphis on Saturday night could name one player on either side, and yet it was a great game, everyone ate up the ads delivered by ABC, and everyone but the players got to make money.
You know all of those press releases pumping up how some major program is going to play a home-and-home with some other major program in 2048 and 2049? College football will go on no matter who’s playing it.
Until/unless the players unionize, the NCAA is going to do just fine.
NEXT: Really, how did Trent Richardson not become an NFL superstar?
Week Two of the Cavalcade’s “USE A CUCK-TAYEL STICK”
What’s even scarier?
Pitt could be playing Clemson again in the ACC Championship.
Les Miles was just this close from being a two-time national champion head coach …
Ohhhhhhhhh, no, LSU and Alabama. You’re not going to do this to me again.
Back in 2011 – before I knew or worked with this whole social media thing the kids are all into – I somehow spent every waking hour for a solid two months getting into dopey arguments about how Alabama had no business getting a second shot at LSU.
It still doesn’t seem quite right the Tide didn’t have to play an SEC Championship game like LSU did, and yet was gifted a spot in the BCS Championship despite not even winning its own division.
That Bama lost at home made it even more egregious and …
NO. I’m NOT doing this again.
This time around there’s a College Football Playoff, and while I’m still sticking with my firm belief that you shouldn’t be able to play for the national title if you’re not good enough to win your conference, that’s how the cake is baked now.
Of course I’d love nothing more than to see these two play an all-time classic on Saturday afternoon, but the playoff purist inside of me – I’m having an operation in January to have that removed – wants the winner to go off in a 52-0 walloping to all but knock out the loser.
What I don’t want is for this game to not matter …
Like that LSU 9-6 win in 2011.
NEXT: They’re not paying him to coach, they’re paying him to leave
But they were nine really, really good wins
So let’s just say it really is true – despite the school denying the ESPN report – that Florida State raised $20 million from donors to help pay off Willie Taggart’s contract.
It’s getting sort of blown off as no big deal and the cost of doing business – no matter how Taggart is getting paid out – but that’s an astronomical amount of money just to help get rid of a football coach who would’ve likely been more than fine with time and another recruiting class or two to build up the O line.
To put this insane aspect of our world into some sort of perspective, if private donors, or anyone, had taken that $20 million and instead wanted Taggart to enter the race to be the Democratic candidate for president, he’d have ranked fourth in fund raising over the latest round behind just Steyer, Bernie and Liz.
It was easier to find the money to get rid of a football coach than it was for Cory Booker, Amy Kloubuchar, Beto O’Rourke and Julian Castro combined to fund their respective campaigns from July through September.
Or, instead of paying off the bad contract of an already generational-wealthy football coach, that coin could’ve paid the tuition for around 800 Florida kids to go to FSU for four years.
NEXT: Five Cavalcade of Whimsy footballey opinions and, like, other stuff
Five Cavalcade of Whimsy footballey opinions and, like, other stuff
5. Pac-12 bowling for … bowls
I can do this. I can find a way that all 12 Pac-12 teams can become bowl eligible. Of course it’s not going to happen, but …
Oregon and Utah are already there.
Arizona has to win two of three vs. Oregon, Utah and Arizona State to get to six wins.
Arizona State beats Oregon to get to six wins.
Cal beats Stanford and USC to get to six wins.
Colorado beats Stanford, Washington and Utah to get to six wins.
Stanford beats Washington State and Notre Dame to get to six wins.
Oregon State beats Arizona State and Oregon to get to six wins.
UCLA beats UCLA and USC to get to six wins.
USC beats Arizona State to get to six wins.
Washington beats Oregon State to get to six wins.
Washington State beats Cal and Washington to get to six wins.
Done. You’re welcome, Larry Scott.
4. U-C-L-A bowl bowl bowl?
After all the embarrassment, and after all of the ugliness, and after all of the hammering on Chip Kelly and putting UCLA on every Most Disappointing list, the team has won three straight and could go to a … bowl?!
It’s hardly a lock, but it has at Utah, at USC, and Cal to go. It beat USC last year, could it put the nail in the Clay Helton era coffin this time around? It’s not a crazy ask, and it’s hardly a lot to demand a win over the Bears, too.
Hopefully, there’s a UCLA-Illinois bowl matchup. Kelly vs. Lovie.
3. We’re No. 4!
From this point forward, I’m done arguing with fans about whether or not their team deserves to be the College Football Playoff No. 1 team, because it so doesn’t matter.
You have to think differently. No. 1, No. 2 … whatever. Just don’t be No. 5.
You can like it if your team is in the top spot of the CFP rankings, but 1) no CFP top seed has ever won the thing, and 2) whatever.
If your team is No. 5, then you have a beef. Being No. 4 is just fine in this race.
2. Firing time
That is it. I’m done. I’m firing Daylight Savings Time, and I’m firing whatever the reverse of that is that we just did.
I’m setting all my clocks back a few hours so it gets dark at 9:30 pm, like it’s supposed to, and everyone can adjust to me.
I’ve already successfully fired time zones when traveling. Circadian rhythm my ass … if I get off a plane and it’s 7:45 am in Doha, then that’s what time it is.
1. Big 12 expansion
Yo, Big 12. You see that totally full Liberty Bowl for Memphis vs. SMU on Saturday night?
Was the house packed when that unbeaten Baylor team of yours was playing West Virginia on Thursday night?
The rest of the schools might not want to split the pie, but it would be a much, much bigger – and more fun – one if you added Memphis and, say, Cincinnati or East Carolina to the mix to give West Virginia some geographic playmates. How have you not expanded and taken over UCF and USF already?
The TCU thing has worked out just fine, and WVU has been a decent get. You already have the state of Texas locked up – you can deal with SMU and Houston later – but keep expanding, get bigger, get more markets, generate more energy.
Get that Memphis offense in the Big 12 already.
NEXT: The sure-thing picks of the century for this week
This week’s reason I should be the SIXTH prognosticator on the set of the new FOX College Football Pregame thingy …
I was a candy distribution god on Halloween.
The over/under on trick-or-treaters coming to the house is 0.5. This year, for the first time ever, two separate packs of kids rolled up.
No one in the history of Halloween was able to more efficiently distribute 44 boxes of Nerds, and then unearth 12 other random pieces of candy from various parts of the house in 87 seconds, all to make the world a fatter place.
The sure-thing, 100%, rock-solid lock, sell the house, sell the kids, no doubt about it picks of the century for this week
PICK SO FAR: 48-19 SU, 35-33-3 ATS
4-3-1 is still a winning week, but … no.
I want more, you want more, we all want something special, and here it is.
Fortunately, these picks are all correct.
But if they’re not, then you know what to do. If you choose to dabble, sign up with BetMGM though this link to take part in any of these games or other action on the schedule.
– Temple -2 over USF
– Wyoming +13 over Boise State (but Boise State outright)
– Wisconsin -9 over Iowa
These aren’t my sure-thing, 10-star lock picks of the century for this week, but they’re the games you care about, so …
– Penn State -6.5 over Minnesota
– Alabama -5.5 over LSU
– Alabama/LSU point total 65: UNDER
C.O.W. shameless gimmick item …
The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
5) Overrated: Switching your defensive coordinators in a desperation move
Underrated: Switching your school’s branding to UArizona
4) Overrated: Anything without peanut butter
Underrated: The full Hershey’s bar given out to kids by a real estate agent with an ad, logo and phone number on it.
4) Overrated: Paying over $47,000 a year in tuition to be a Gentleman of Harvard, and …
Underrated: Getting stuffed on 4th down when you could’ve put it away.
2) Overrated: The Manning family
Underrated: The McCaffrey family
1) Overrated: This, because of …
Underrated: The lost art of being able to directionally kick
Sorry if this column sucked, I wasn’t my fault …
If it had known it would’ve been paid off $20 million to lose to Miami, it would’ve done that a long, long time ago.
