Blaming Bama’s student section, the unsung head coach, Tebow going Tebow, in the latest Cavalcade of Whimsy.
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Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …
It would’ve been better, but the Alabama students stopped reading early. If only I had an app that could track their every waking moment so I can apply a terse chastising when they’re not being 100% loyal to the column …
And they get the cushy housing, and they get the tutoring, and they get the special meals, and they get to travel, and they get the hero worship, and they get the hotels and per diems on road trips, and …
Alabama students bolting early in blowout games has been an issue for a while now, and Nick Saban had a few comments about those who didn’t stick it out for the full four quarters – despite the ungodly heat – in the 62-10 nail-biter over New Mexico State.
“If I asked that whole student section, ‘Do you want to be No. 1?’ Nobody would hold their hand up and say ‘I want to be No. 4.’ They would all say No. 1,” … “But are they willing to do everything to be No. 1? That’s another question.”
To the good students of the University of Alabama, please allow me to handle this beach ball of a hanging curve for you.
If this was about a coach wanting to fire up the students and make them feel like a part of the program, then great. But that’s not what this is. The app with the loyalty points and the tracking of the students to see who’s staying and who’s not takes things to a bad, bad place.
First of all, Alabama football is there to entertain us. Coach Saban, you exist for our amusement.
The second thing you’re missing, Nick? You’re coaching a dumb game that’s supposed to be a whole lot of fun, especially for the students.
You’re the multi-generational wealthy adult with the limitless bound-by-nothing resources to create a football team that represents the University of Alabama. It’s not on the student body to do ANYTHING. It’s your job to win football games whether or not there are 100 fans in the stands or 100,000.
It’s the job of the Alabama students to go to class, learn, be silly, figure out what they want to do with their lives, and show up to football games, if they so choose, to get away and enjoy themselves. If that’s for a few minutes, a few quarters, or a few hours, that’s up to them – they’ve earned it.
But if we’re really going to make this all about football, are your players so soft that you’re worried about them not playing their best if a few students leave early in a 50-point blowout in 95-degree heat?
Your players can take the coaching you dish out, but OH NO … Alabama football won’t be No. 1 because Chaz and Maisy left in the third quarter to get ahead on their Geology 101 paper.
Won’t someone PLEASE think of the fourth-stringers?
If you really believe that the difference between being No. 1 and No. 4 is a student section sitting there doing the perfect cheer at a glorified scrimmage, then that Clemson thing that’s in your kitchen making oatmeal chocolate chip crownies has already won.
But okay, let’s go with it. Let’s run with the premise that the difference between being great and winning the national championship really comes down to the students staying in their seats until the show is over.
You obviously know what you’re doing when it comes to this college football coaching thing, and if you really think that this is the difference, then who am I – but a mere mortal – to say that you’re wrong?
So here’s the deal.
If I can get the Alabama students to sit through the entire game – no matter what the score or the weather – so your soft-ass team can feel the positive affirmation and warm fuzzies necessary to go on to win a national championship, then EVERY Alabama student receives 1) a championship ring – SEC and/or national championship, 2) the bowl game swag bags full of cash and prizes, and 3) a full ride scholarship, because according to you, they’re a part of this.
Are we cool? No, of course not, because …
“Man it’s hot. It’s like Africa hot. Tarzan couldn’t take this kind of hot.”
If you willingly choose to live in Minneapolis, you’re accepting that it’s going to be stupid-cold in January.
If you willingly choose to live in Seattle, you’re accepting that it’s going to rain once in a while.
If you willing choose to live near a Chick-fil-A – which I FINALLY will, as our long national nightmare is over with one being built within reasonable driving distance – you’re accepting that you’ll be fat.
If you willingly choose to live in Alabama, then you can’t whine and complain that it’s brutally hot during the day in September. You signed up for this, and that means if you have to play a football game in the morning in the sun, then you’re going to sweat.
As Northwestern head coach Pat Fitzgerald put it, “you get up, you eat breakfast, and you go play.”
Drink more water. Get a portable fan.
Look over there … a piece of tin foil … and it’s so shiny!
It’s really hot … the students must stay and watch Alabama football blowout porn … a game might start a little earlier than normal … the schedule is SO much tougher than Clemson’s … you’ve got the burden of profiting off your likeness by doing these AFLAC commercials … but, of course there are never, ever any outside distractions when it comes to Alabama football.
You lose focus, and you’re No. 4.
DO YOU WANT TO BE NO. 1?!
NEXT: He didn’t cry this much since Saban’s team rocked his Gators in the 2009 SEC Championship …
You’re going the wrong way … you’re answering the wrong question …
I’ll give Tim Tebow this. If he was being asked about whether or not college players should be paid a salary, he has a point. That wasn’t the topic.
He went off on whether or not college athletes should be able to profit off of their likenesses and do endorsement deals, and it was beautiful …
To quickly sum up what’s happening, there’s a movement happening among various legislatures – most prominently in California – that would allow college athletes to do endorsement deals and share in the revenue of certain things like jersey sales.
Is there a steep slippery-slope here? Does Tebow have problems hitting the curve?
Of course there are all sorts of potential issues … if you’re the NCAA and your antiquated and unfair system is about to be altered forever. When it kicks in, it’s the best answer – at least for now – to make things a bit more equitable and fair for the players.
Eventually, will this mean that Jim Bob Booster – sky point, T. Boone – will tell Billy Joe Recruit that there’s a six-figure endorsement deal with the local Chevy dealership if he comes to XYZ Tech? Of course, and that’s okay.
Will this mean that student-athletes will have agents and advisors to guide them in a world of greedy and business-savvy adults? Of course, and that’s okay.
Will this mean that booster clubs will hold bake sales when it’s time to go get a wide receiver, promising him that he’ll be the paid spokesman for Grandma Millie’s Lovin’ Oven Bakery and Dispensary? Sure, and that’s okay.
You know what this also means? Buy stock in Oregon … now.
You think players care about signing on with a school because of a stupid weekly uniform change and a color scheme? Just wait until they’re getting paid a piece of those jersey sales, along with their own shoe design, from Uncle Phil Knight and the Nike empire.
And that’s okay.
Just wait until schools figure out that instead of brokering deals with companies for stadium naming rights, the better investment will be to fund the top players in the latest recruiting class to an assortment of marketing deals.
Just wait … it’s all going to be okay.
And now that we’re all cool with this …
Okay, so the whole Subway FreshBuzz thing didn’t work, but …
Can we give Reggie Bush back his Heisman?
At the end of the day, USC got steamrolled by the NCAA because Bush worked with a marketing company and members of his family were living in an apartment rent free.
Ooooooh, he’s history’s greatest monster compared to what went down at Penn State and Baylor.
Enough. It was silly then, and it’s even sillier now considering what Bush did in the 2000s will be kosher by around 2021.
And after those last two blurbs …
Right on cue in … 3 … 2 …
“BUT THESE GUYS ARE ON SCHOLARSHIP … WHAT, A $60,000-A-YEAR EDUCATION ISN’T ENOUGH FOR THESE PAMPERED GUYS?”
To all of the 1) really old guys with crappy jobs who get mad at the idea of any young guy getting paid; 2) really old ex-players who missed out on the gravy; 3) people who have to hock Nana’s tea set on eBay to pay for their dopey kid to go drink beer for four years at State U. and/or 4) all of the above …
The war’s over. Your old school side lost, and the second your favorite team signs that five-star defensive back away from your rival because he can get a better endorsement deal through your school, you’ll somehow be just fine with it.
And as I’ve been saying for 20 years to all those old farty people who get all moist and squishy about the absence of pure amateurism in college sports, I’m sure there’s a lovely Division-III campus nearby playing football this Saturday.
NEXT: Sorry this next blurb sucks, it’s not my fault. The officials botched it, and it had nothing to do with …
Yes, Arizona State should’ve been called for the leap over the line, too, but it didn’t, and OF COURSE the second attempt was totally shanked to put an end to a game that shouldn’t have come down to one kick, which was so unfor …
I’ve said and written over the last few days, imagine what a generational joke it would’ve been around all of college football – especially in East Lansing – if it was Jim Harbaugh coaching the team that ended up losing at home to Arizona State after having 12-men on the field for a pivotal game-tying field goal attempt.
Fortunately, Michigan State head coach Mark Dantonio did a fantastic job in his post-game press conference of explaining the thought process that went into the team’s inexcusable gaffe …
Oh I kid because I love – he’s one of my favorite head coaches. Dantonio is about to become the all-time winningest Michigan State head football coach this weekend at Northwestern. The loss against Arizona State, though, proved once again that …
If you’re a college football head coach, all you’re supposed to do is win, win, win no matter what …
To be fair to all the dogging of Nick Saban earlier, do you really understand how hard it is to win college football games? We all just take it for granted that the big-name schools will always win, but they don’t.
Tennessee has everything at its disposal. So does Nebraska. And USC. And UCLA. And Florida State. And Miami. And Maryland still loses to Temple, And Georgia Tech still loses to The Citadel. And UCLA and Arizona still lose to Hawaii. And on and on and on …
It’s all about wins if you’re a head coach, which is why it’s time to give Penn State’s James Franklin his due.
With the victory over Pitt this last weekend, as ugly as that might have been, Franklin has now won 34 games since the start of the 2016 season. How many current college football head coaches have won that many or more over the same span?
Saban and Dabo, of course (44 each), Kirby Smart has 35, and then there’s … and …
Lincoln? No, not around long enough. Brian Kelly? No, there’s that 4-8 problem in 2016. Urban? Yeah, but he’s not coaching now, and he had 33 wins over the span. Harbaugh? Not quite at 30.
Wisconsin’s Paul Chryst has won 34 like Franklin, but he doesn’t have a Big Ten title. Chris Petersen has won Pac-12 titles, but that’s the Pac-12 – there’s no dogging his 34 wins, though.
Boise State’s Bryan Harsin has 34, but that’s the Mountain West. Scott Satterfield, David Shaw, Rocky Long, Tom Herman? No, no, no and nope.
Saban, Dabo and Kirby. That’s it. Those are the three coaches over the last three seasons and three weeks with more wins than James Franklin.
But, of course, he only beat Pitt by seven.
NEXT: Five Cavalcade of Whimsy footballey opinions and, like, other stuff
Five Cavalcade of Whimsy footballey opinions and, like, other stuff
5. Minnesota 27, Georgia Southern 20 …
I’ll continue to ask teams to think harder about this scenario.
Late in the game, Minnesota scored a touchdown against Georgia Southern to go up 27-20. It kicked the extra point to be up eight, but why not go for two?
Conservative coaching wisdom dictates that you don’t lose on the opponents’ next drive if you kick the extra point to go up eight, but in almost every situation down seven, the losing team will kick the extra point to tie it up. So if you’re Minnesota, why not go for two to be up nine? It’s a low-risk shot to be up two scores with one play.
The Gophers kicked the extra point and ended up fighting to win 35-32.
4. Minshew and Wazzu
Seriously, NFL types. Did you not pay attention to Washington State at all last year?
It’s not like the current Jacksonville starter was a high-end pro prospect, but because of his funky name and because he’s no Kyler Murray, over and over again this week he’s been sort of dismissed by NFL talking heads because, well, he’s Gardner Minshew.
All he did last year was hit 71% of his passes for 4,779 yards and 38 touchdowns with just nine picks, leading a Washington State team that was one blizzard Apple Cup loss to Washington away from playing for the Pac-12 title. Going forward …
His name is Anthony Gordon. After three games, he’s hitting 79% of his passes for 1,324 yards and 12 touchdowns and two scores for a 3-0 Wazzu team. It’s okay to watch him play.
3. 2001 Miami
Come on, fellow college football media types of a certain age – my certain age – who should know better. Do more research and know your stuff.
If you want to argue that the 2001 Miami team was the most talented of all-time, okay. No beef there. But to call it the greatest team to ever play in the 148 seasons of college football? It’s not fair, because …
THE 2001 MIAMI HURRICANES PLAYED NOBODY.
2017 UCF played a tougher schedule than that Miami team.
Before the BCS Championship, 2001 Miami beat one team – Syracuse, who got stomped on by Tennessee 33-9 and beat a fat load of nothing, too – that finished with more than eight wins.
Did those Canes play or beat an SEC team? No. Did they play or beat a Big Ten team? Yeah, a really awful Penn State squad in the season opener.
They won the BCS championship by beating a Nebraska team that was annihilated by Colorado 62-36 in the regular season finale, and by a strange series of events, got into the national title game.
Miami lucked out by missing out on playing Texas, Tennessee, Florida, and Oregon, who all won their respective bowl games in huge blowouts over great teams. They would’ve all given the Canes a big problem if there was a College Football Playoff.
Of course that Miami team probably could’ve beaten any of them, just like the 2002 version was a mortal lock to beat Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl.
Oops.
2. Is Kansas a thing now?
Seriously, good for you, Kansas.
That wasn’t just some strange 48-24 win over Boston College with seven takeaways, or in a hail storm, or because of anything other than being a real, live, order from the adult menu win on the road over a team that’s probably going to go bowling.
There was offensive balance, there was explosion, there was … execution. Under Les Miles, Kansas won a football game over a Power Five program because it played a whole lot better than the other side did.
If this is true, and if Kansas is good, then the Big 12 really will have to start brushing its teeth, because that means there’s no free-space game anymore in the conference.
1. The 2018 stars are shining
It’s only three weeks in, but if you can memory dump all you know from 2018, who’s the better quarterback so far in 2019?
Side-by-side Pepsi challenge time. Player A has hit 61% of his passes for 831 yards and five touchdowns with five picks, to go along with 55 rushing yards and three scores. Player B has hit 70% of his passes for 657 yards and nine touchdowns with no interceptions, and rushed for 114 yards and four scores.
Player A has a quarterback rating of 139.49. Player B’s rating is 184.98.
It’s sort of a strange question considering Trevor Lawrence is a national championship-winning quarterback and the be-all-end-all No. 1 pick in the 2021 NFL Draft, but is Player A better right now than Player B, Justin Fields?
The two were 1A and 1B in some order in all the 2018 recruiting rankings, and they’re both playing like it. To be fair, Lawrence played Texas A&M, Georgia Tech and Syracuse, and Fields played Florida Atlantic, Cincinnati and Indiana. It’s still fun to see the other guy playing up to the hype, and it’s going to be a blast watching these two go at it over the next two seasons.
So to put this bug in your head. How’s this for a College Football Playoff? Lawrence and Clemson vs. Fields and Ohio State in one semifinal, and Jalen Hurts’ Oklahoma team vs. Tua Tagovailoa and Alabama in the other?
No storylines there.
NEXT: The sure-thing picks of the century for this week
This week’s reason I should be the SEVENTH prognosticator on the set of the new FOX College Football Pregame thingy …
I managed to hold my tongue – and my tweets – when it came to friends and social media types who uttered things like “that makes you think,” and used the word “tragic” when hearing about a 75-year-old man who died from a heart problem.
With that said, having grown up listening to The Cars, if you’ve never heard them before or haven’t given them a spin since 1984, few bands from the era translate better to the new world of improved headphones and technology. If you remember hearing them on lousy car stereo speakers, try again now with your AirPods.
The sure-thing, 100%, rock-solid lock, sell the house, sell the kids, no doubt about it picks of the century for this week
PICK SO FAR: 11-6 SU, 7-10 ATS
0-5 against the spread. 3-2 straight up. All I have to say, is Maryland, for the love of GOD, work on your goal line offense.
And Iowa winning by one when it was at -1.5 or 2 … that’s just not fair. But there are no excuses for having 12 men on the field for these selections. I need to rally, so I’m going to do what you’re not supposed to and chase. I’m supersizing the mother(bleep)er to get back in the game.
Fortunately, these picks are all correct.
– Syracuse -5 over Western Michigan
– Wisconsin -3.5 over Michigan
– Cal +2.5 over Ole Miss
– Texas A&M -4 over Auburn
– TCU -9.5 over SMU
– North Carolina -3 over Appalachian State
– Charlotte +41 over Clemson (but Clemson straight up)
– Southern Miss +39 over Alabama (but Alabama straight up)
– Washington State -17.5 over UCLA
– Notre Dame +13.5 over Georgia (but Georgia straight up)
C.O.W. shameless gimmick item …
The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
5) Overrated: The unwavering belief that someone in the NCAA actually gave three seconds of thought about whether or not this is a violation.
Underrated: Sometimes, college football gets things really, really right.
4) Overrated: Citadel 27, Georgia Tech 24
Underrated: Not only are you the lone Power Five team to lose to an FCS team this year, but YOU, OF ALL PROGRAMS, LOST BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T STOP THE TRIPLE-OPTION.
3) Overrated: Preaching lots and lots and lots of patience for the Clay Helton era
Underrated: 11 of the top 12 USC tacklers are underclassmen being seasoned for Urban to come in and rock right away.
2) Overrated: LIMU emu
Underrated: Doug
1) Overrated: All knockoffs of Miami’s Turnover Chain, except for my idea of the Turnover Turnover. As a reward for taking the ball away, a delightful array of piping hot cherry, blueberry and apple streusel turnovers are distributed on the sidelines for all to enjoy … wait for them to cool!
Underrated: Akron’s Takeaway Pencil
Sorry if this column sucked, I wasn’t my fault …
Even when everything is going wrong and you see no possible hope of ever breaking out of your desperately dark and devastating world, just remember, if you keep trying your best and continue to persevere, things will continue to get a whole lot worse …
