PIETERING OUT
Ah, the magic of the Cup! On Tuesday, in the first match of the fifth round, Burnley put in exactly the sort of performance you’d expect from an organisation that fills in the teamsheet with a yawn, then hands it in covered in coffee rings and fag ash, two games of noughts and crosses absent-mindedly scribbled in the margin, next to a large cock-and-balls. Thank goodness for the Bournemouth official who sportingly pointed out that Erik Pieters was suspended and therefore shouldn’t be in the starting XI, ensuring the Clarets would be cashiered from the competition for sporting incompetence rather than the only-slightly-more-embarrassing administrative variety.
Burnley have turned getting dispatched from the cups by lower-league sides into an art form. The last time they contested a fifth-round tie – almost four years ago to the day, give or take some days – they were knocked out by then-non-league Lincoln on their own Turf. They’ve also recently lost in the Littlewoods Cup to Accrington Stanley, Burton Albion and Port Vale. Their dismal record under Sean Dyche can be partially put down to repeatedly drawing Manchester City, which, fair’s fair, is excuse enough … although when presented with a rare golden opportunity to make the FA Cup quarters, making eight changes to your Premier League XI takes pragmatism to extremes. Especially as everyone knows Sheffield United, West Brom and Fulham are already down anyway.
In the post-match press conference, Dyche did his best looky-likie of a man who gave a flying one. “We made so many changes but it wasn’t for the lack of trying,” was how he went through the motions. And so Burnley’s 59-year wait for another appearance in the final goes on, while their ambivalent boss (“If you get knocked out, it means nothing”) uses up another chunk of his sizeable stash of FA Cup moral credit, earned when he and his Chesterfield teammates were worked over by David Elleray in the 1997 semis. Congratulations however to Bournemouth, who make the quarters for only the second time in their history. At least someone will fondly remember an otherwise painfully dull night, during which viewers of the other game ended up pining for Mrs Brown. Yep.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE!
Join Nick Ames from 5.30pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Swansea 0-3 Manchester City in the FA Cup, before Barry Glendenning is on hand for top-of-the-table derby action in the WSL, with Chelsea 3-1 Arsenal from 7pm. Scott Murray then jumps into the hot seat as we return to the FA Cup for Everton 2-1 Tottenham from 8.15pm.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We were careful not to go over the top, you don’t want to start ripping the backside out of it. But it provided light relief in some of the games. When am I going to get a chance to go to Sochi or Samara or Nizhny Novgorod, 50km from a chemical warfare factory? Experiences like that you couldn’t buy. There’s still the wee boy in me that loves to go out and have an adventure” – Ally McCoist chews the fat with Ewan Murray about his unique brand of co-commentary, his appeal to the over-65s and his Old Firm connection.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Listen to the latest Football Weekly podcast here because there’ll be another one along shortly.
FIVER LETTERS
“I’m not sure about Peter Oh’s internal soundtracking of Alisson’s ‘playing-it-out-from-the-back’ woes with Elvis Costello’s Alison (Tuesday’s letters). After all, the second line of the chorus claims ‘my aim is true’. Maybe the same singer’s Blue Must be the Colour? All together now … ‘Blue days come and blue days go/The way I feel, nobody knows/Blue must be the colour of the blues” – Justin Kavanagh.
“Regarding Peter Oh’s letter, can I be one of 1,057 pedants to point out to him that they’re not ‘the’ Pixies, they’re just ‘Pixies’ – Mark Davis.
“Regarding David Moyes dressed as Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars. Thanks for clarifying that it wasn’t the Emperor Palpatine from, er, Bognor Regis?” – Neale Redington.
“It struck me that if no publishing houses or social media disgrace influencers are prepared to tout their wares across the Fiver’s desk, as a prize for the letter you deem most worthy why doesn’t fiver ed stump up for a David Squires? It could even be called priceless letter of the day. If I win, I’ll take the Jack Charlton” – Michael Robson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day prize is … Neale Redington.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Instagram has announced measures to tackle online abuse in the wake of the latest spate of racist messages directed at footballers.
Jürgen Klopp has paid tribute to his mother, Elisabeth, whose funeral in Germany he was unable to attend due to Covid restrictions. “She meant everything to me. She was a real mum in the best sense of the word.”
The Issa Diop incident in West Ham’s FA Cup defeat at Manchester United shows the new concussion rules are “deeply flawed”, according to the brain injury charity Headway.
Morecambe’s Yann Songo’o has been charged with an “aggravated breach” of FA Rule E3 following their EFL League Two fixture against Tranmere. It is alleged that the midfielder used abusive and/or insulting language that included a reference to sexual orientation towards an opponent.
The former Wales goalkeeper Dai Davies has died at the age of 72. Davies’ career included spells with Swansea, Everton, Wrexham and Tranmere.
Chelsea are the latest English club to have a Big Cup tie switched, after Atlético Madrid’s “home” leg was moved to Bucharest.
Uncle Carlo has moved quickly to dampen Evertonian hopes of seeing silverware for the first time since 1995. “I don’t know if it is the right time this season,” he buzz-killed.
All 5ft 8in of Michael Doyle reckon he has his O’Irish upbringing to thank for his successful 68 minutes as emergency goalkeeper during Notts County’s 3-1 win against Dagenham & Redbridge, secured despite having blummin’ 10 men from the 22nd minute. “The older I’m getting, the further back I’m going but I didn’t think I’d end up in bloody goal!” he parped. “Thankfully, the years of playing Gaelic football and catching the ball helped me.”
And Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney celebrated the confirmation of their Wrexham takeover by plugging some booze on Twitter. “We’re toasting with a limited-edition bottle of @AviationGin and I am rebranding as Wrob,” honked Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
STILL WANT MORE?
There will be less posturing and more fun now that Hege Riise, rather than Big Phil, is in charge of England, reckons Louise Taylor.
How football helped fill a lockdown-shaped hole. By Francisco Garcia.
Which clubs have had news organisations as their shirt sponsors? The Knowledge just keeps on tackling life’s big questions.
Old, new, borrowed and Blue: how Swansea are thriving again. By Ben Fisher.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
