’FIELD OF DREAMS
Weird Uncle Fiver turned up today in an extremely dishevelled state, reader, with a maniacal grin, an otherworldly body odour and an inability to stop babbling incoherently. But there was something different about him. Something close to credibility. It was as if the words streaming out of his mouth like cut-price beer from a fallen Tin were based on actual events and had nothing at all to do with magic fungus. Yet, when his words were pooled, they made no sense. Wacky stuff about Per Mertesacker slipping baby reins on to Diego Costa, Victor Moses tripping over an invisible sleeping dog, and Huddersfield Town reaching the Premier League!
That’s the last time we let Weird Uncle Fiver spend a bank holiday weekend at Wembley, reader! The man’s done lost his noggin! But the barmy thing is he’s not the only one. All of today’s media carry similar tales. So much for the fight against fake news! Many organs have gone so far as to publish blatantly Photoshopped images of Huddersfield’s players and staff holding aloft “We Are Premier League” banners – and some people seem convinced they are real, even though captain Jean-Luc Picard is smack bang in the middle of most of them, for goodness sake.
Anyone with an ounce of common sense knows that Huddersfield have not been in England’s top flight since 1972 and there is about as much chance of them ever playing in the Premier League as there is of T-Rex recording another No1, Richard Nixon serving another term in the White House or the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers winning a European trophy. These are impossibilities and only a fool would say otherwise. Or a genius. Such as David Wagner. Now there’s a manager who, it turns out, can make hallucinations come true. Dang, the club that truly launched the managerial careers of Herbert Chapman and Bill Shankly has gone and done it again!
So after a brilliantly improbable transformation and a play-off victory over Reading that really did happen, Huddersfield will appear in next season’s Premier League. Wagner will pit his wits against his old chum Jürgen Klopp as well as Pep Guardiola, the Special One, several Watford managers and, most sensationally of all, Arsène Wenger. It’s true! Following Chelsea’s no-show in the FA Cup final and Arsenal’s surprisingly accomplished performance, a board meeting was held at the Emirates Stadium on Tuesday and the early indications are that Wenger has Adebayored another two-year deal! So next season it’ll be back to Premier League life again but, thanks to Huddersfield, not as we know it.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
8 April: “I like him very much – I chose him. We have just been working for a short while but I can say from the character perspective he’s the right man for us. He suits every requirement of leadership, ability, hard work, passion, intelligence, everything. I hope he can stay here for a long time” – Wolves suit Jeff Shi on Paul Lambert.
30 May: “The club would like to place on record its thanks to Paul for his dedication and professionalism during his time at the club” – ah.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s your boy, David Squires, on Arsenal’s FA Cup final win.
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FIVER LETTER
“I know it’s probably of no interest to the majority of your readers who believe that football started in 1992, but McAuntie have produced a fantastic documentary on the triumph of the Queen’s Celtic over some Italian team in the 1967 Big Cup final that is worth watching on catch-up. And no, we will never stop going on about winning it” – Sean Atkins.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day, by default, is … Sean Atkins, who receives the final copy of The Agony & The Ecstasy: a Comprehensive History of the Football League Play-offs, courtesy of the kind chap that is Richard Foster.
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BITS AND BOBS
Borussia Dortmund manager Thomas Tuchel is now former Borussia Dortmund manager Thomas Tuchel. “The wellbeing of Borussia Dortmund will always be more important than individuals and possible differences between them,” roared the club.
Roma manager Luciano Spalletti is now former Roma manager Luciano Spalletti after he stood down amid talk of a move to Inter. “This club is on a constant path of growth and that will continue with the appointment of a new coach,” cheered club president James Pallotta.
Manchester City forward Sergio Agüero is now … well, he’s still Manchester City forward Sergio Agüero, and for the foreseeable future too. “I’ve read a lot about the speculation on this and it’s ridiculous,” sniffed chairman Khaldoon al-Mubarak. “Having [him] as part of the squad is an absolute must.”
Liverpool look set to land Chelsea youngster Dominic Solanke for £2m-3m at a tribunal.
Brighton have hit up a new one-year contract on Gaetan Bong.
England manager Gareth Southgate says it is “impossible to say” whether Wayne Rooney will play for his country again. “It’s impossible to say,” he said.
And Queen’s Celtic boss Brendan Rodgers wants European progress to follow on the back of their domestic treble. “You have to be careful and recognise where we are,” he tooted. “We’re 10 times behind budget-wise. You have to be realistic.”
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seem to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Stuart James went for a chat with Chelsea’s Nathan Aké – apparently tangled in a net – about no-Tin, Antonio Conte, and choosing Holland over Ivory Coast.
With £170m in the bank, £100 season tickets, an Australian playmaker and some fair old team spirit, Nick Miller is excited about seeing Huddersfield Town – aka David Wagner’s little dogs – in the Premier League next season.
Ben Fisher, meanwhile, picks the bones out of Reading’s day at Wembley.
New Barcelona manager Ernesto Valverde is a big Stone Roses fan, just like the Big Website sub who managed to shoehorn a headline into the latest Sid Lowe blog.
“I was married to the club for 23 years so Arsenal are like an ex-wife. Just because she doesn’t want you back, there’s no reason why you don’t still love that woman, that club. I’m 50 – so almost half my life was at Arsenal. I’ve got a bloody statue outside. What have they done to me?” – Tony Adams talks to Donald McRae.
We talked to fans from every club in the Championship, League One and League Two to get their thoughts on how 2016-17 went.
If your Bank Holiday was a particularly heavy one, you might have missed that Francesco Totti played his last match for Roma. Tissues at the ready … here’s Paolo Bandini.
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