Good God, we’re still here. We’re tired, cranky, smelly, damaged Cannes near-burnouts, but we’re still bloody here. Squeaky little machines of film-flogging industry. Pour rosé in and watch the words stutter out. You can’t beat us Cannes. We won’t let you.
The big film
It would be a struggle to think of a more French pairing than Isabelle Huppert and Gérard Depardieu, other than maybe Pepé Le Pew and anyone from ‘Allo ‘Allo. So it seems like a natural fit that a new drama starring the pair would premiere at Cannes. Valley of Love was last night’s big screening, a half-English language two-hander starring the actors as a divorced couple. They’re playing warped versions of themselves, actors named Gérard and Isabelle, who receive a message from their dead son. It failed to impress critics here, with Peter Bradshaw doling out just two stars and calling it “an intriguing, but frustrating experience”. Others were similarly meh:
Valley Of Love is a nice film with two strong performances, but will be forgotten in a month. #Cannes2015
— WhatCulture Film (@whatculturefilm) May 21, 2015
VALLEY OF LOVE kept me intrigued. But ironic that a movie with so much topless Depardieu would be that thin. #Cannes2015
— Jordan Hoffman (@jhoffman) May 21, 2015
Valley of Love: low-key metaphysical drama set in Death Valley. Odd choice for comp. Depardieu topless more than actors in Love #Cannes2015
— Jamie Graham (@jamie_graham9) May 21, 2015
Expect shirtless screengrabs of Depardieu to make the rounds imminently.
The big performance
This morning saw an early start for critics with the first screening of Chronic, a drama starring Tim Roth as a depressed nurse who assists terminally ill patients. The film itself had a mixed reaction but most critics agreed on Roth’s performance being a standout, suggesting he might be in with a chance of picking up a prize on Sunday:
CHRONIC: Tim Roth disturbs & transfixes as obsessive nurse with troubled past & cloaked intentions. Best Actor possibility? #Cannes2015
— Peter Howell (@peterhowellfilm) May 22, 2015
CHRONIC: Palliative care drama with Tim Roth's best role in years. V strong at first, more conventional 2nd half & lousy last shot. #Cannes
— olilyttelton (@olilyttelton) May 22, 2015
An excellent Tim Roth cares for terminally ill in Chronic. Dignified & immensely affecting, then undercut by misjudged ending #Cannes2015
— Total Film (@totalfilm) May 22, 2015
There’s been a lot of buzz around the female acting contenders so far this festival with Cate Blanchett, Rooney Mara, Bebe Cave and Emily Blunt all receiving a lot of column inches, but there have been fewer male performances to shout about. Expect this to change once Michael Fassbender’s performance as Macbeth is unveiled tomorrow.
The awards
Speaking of awards, the first set have just been announced, with good news for Latin American cinema. The Critics’ Week prizes were given out yesterday to Paulina and Land and Shade. Paulina’s about a hotshot lawyer giving up her job to work as a teacher in a poor region of Argentina. Colombian drama Land and Shade has an elderly farmer head the other way as he returns home to tend to his sickly son.
The dad bod
As is expected at Cannes, there’s been a fair amount of nudity on screen throughout the festival from Nymphomaniac’s Stacy Martin in Tale of Tales, Depardieu in Valley of Love and pretty much everyone in Gaspar Noé’s Love. But the topless actor who has been getting the most attention is Colin Farrell in The Lobster. The dystopian dating satire stars Farrell as a recently dumped man who must find a mate or be turned into the animal of his choice. The usually trim and toned actor shows off a surprising new paunch in the film, or what everyone’s now calling a “dad bod”.
When interviewed by The Hollywood Reporter, Farrell detailed an impressively fatty routine to get himself out of shape. “I would put [the ice cream] in the microwave to melt and drink it,” he said. “Two cheeseburgers, fries and Coca-Colas, and two slices of chocolate cake at 10am is not that fun. And I love cheeseburgers.” The actor ended up gaining 40lbs in just eight weeks. He’s clawed the weight off since and came to the press conference looking firm and adorable. FIRM-adorable. Thermador. Lobster. Hmmmm.
Noé that’ll happen
Cannes wouldn’t be Cannes without a director saying something a bit silly and who else’s turn was it going to be this year but Gaspar Noé’s? In town with his mucky-as-you-like romantic drama, Love, Noé told a clutch of the world’s press that his film, which features graphic scenes of penetration, masturbation and ejaculation, would be showed to 12-year-olds if he had his way. “There’s nothing nasty in it,” he said. “As soon as you say pornographic people get scared, but the film talks about people being in love from a sexual stance”. The world’s 12-year-olds shrugged and went back to ogling Snapchat.
The best red carpet shots
Let’s stop kidding ourselves that anyone is here for the films. Time to finally admit that the sole point of Cannes is to watch rich and attractive people saunter up a long, red cutoff from Carpetright. Photographer Vincent Desailly knows it and he’s been dutifully snapping away at stars as they fulfil their promotional obligations (sounds a lot less glamorous put that way, doesn’t it?). You can see the best of his pics in our gallery, which contains lots of Woody, a little bit of Cate and a pinch of Robbie Williams. Wowsas.
The “Wait, what?” film
Harsh.
The future
The weekend is almost upon us which means that the festival is almost over. Tomorrow sees the first screening for Snowtown director Justin Kurzel’s brutal take on Macbeth with Michael Fassbender and Marion Cotillard in the main roles. It should spark up some last minute awards buzz before Sunday. We’ll be recording another bout of burbled something or other about the festival for the film show this afternoon. And -who knows - we might even go for a paddle in the sea later. The films and their stars come and go. Only the ocean waves - and our hangovers - remain eternal. Bye!
