Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.
If you’re like me, you recognize Tampico’s neon jugs of various fruit punches from end caps at your local, dirt cheap grocery store. Their beverages don’t have names so much as they have colors. Want a glass of thick pink? Hypercolor yellow? Concerning levels of blue?
Effectively, Tampico is the purple stuff Sunny Delight warned us about, and it’s wonderful. I still buy it occasionally as an adult, though in its sugar-substitute versions and generally cut with a fair amount of water. It’s still pretty damned sweet at that point, so you can imagine what we’re dealing with here if you’re new to the brand.
OK, so now lets take those big, sweet jugs of sugar water and add booze and a little carbonation to them. How’s it gonna turn out?
Like Sunny D before it, Tampico is the next brand to make the jump from the back of your childhood refrigerator and into canned cocktail form. Its slim cans ditch the neon lure of plastic jugs for a more sophisticated place on liquor store shelves. So can a budget fruit punch brand break into a snobbier world of hard seltzers and canned cocktails?
Island Punch: A-
The fruit flavor jumps out of the glass when you take a whiff, promising an orange-tinted pina colada mix. The first sip backs that up, and while it’s thinner than the typically syrup-y punch it’s still a little heavier than most seltzers. There’s also a minor note of sharpness toward the end that chases each sip away and reminds you this is not for children.
The citrus is heavy and outweighs the coconut-pineapple you smell up front. It’s lacking some of the dryness that accompanies most spiked seltzers, making it a little bit more difficult to drink than, say, a High Noon vodka and soda.
But it stays true to the Tampico formula and delivers on the label, bringing a lot more fruit flavor than you’d typically get from a slim 12-ounce can. This is just about what you’d expect from the … Chicago-based company? Huh, Tampico is from Chicago. Well, I learned something today.
Holy moly, these are eight percent ABV. It’s written in small black letters against a blue backdrop my colorblind ass can’t see. It does not taste that way. These are dangerous in a way I appreciate so much more. Hell yeah, Tampico.
Citrus punch: B-
The taste here is more boozy than the tropical punch. While that could have been feasibly billed as an NA carbonated drink, the citrus punch comes off a little closer to a screwdriver or a fuzzy navel. It’s not overpowering in any way, just noticeable.
The orange flavor is front and center here, and while there may be a little lime or lemon involved it’s pretty much the only thing you taste. A little more complexity would be nice, as this is just sorta basic. Tropical punch had a few things working for it; citrus is just one thing. That one thing is a tried-and-true cocktail base, so it’s safe. It’s just boring.
Would I drink it instead of a Hamm's?
This a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I’m drinking to my baseline cheap beer. That’s the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I drink Tampico Hard Punch over a cold can of Hamm’s?
Yes, absolutely the Island Punch and probably the Citrus Punch. But I wouldn’t be able to drink a lot of them, both due to the powerful sweetness and heavy booze within. But hooo buddy, a four-pack of these and I’m gonna have a good time.
