Dear Agony Akka,
My teenage daughter Xiaomi is very fond of watching DIY videos on phone. As a modern father, I am ok with that. What is troubling me — actually my entire family — is that she implements what she watches. The other day I couldn’t find my banian. Turns out she made it into a tube top by cutting off the shoulder straps and enlarging its holes. When my mother could not find her dentures, we realised it had become a “pink candlestand with yellow tiles”. Xiaomi had made the candle for the stand by melting my younger daughter Redmi’s crayons into a heart, which Xiaomi said would drive away the negative energy in the house. But there is no energy, negative or positive, left in the house. When I pointed this out, she threw a tantrum and locked me out of the favourite apps on my phone and I don’t know how to get them back. Since you read the mind of youth as nobody does, please help me handle her.
— Disturbed by Insane Youth
Dear DIY,
The pandemic brought many ills like death, hospitalisation and astonishing lies, but the most grievous suffering was married people being locked up indoors with all family members including teenage offspring with too much time on their hands. Firstly you are getting married, secondly you are producing offspring, thirdly you are letting them flourish till they reach teenage means how to help you. Anyway please tell me if I can borrow Xiaomi for a few days? My brother’s broken violin is lying with me for years and maybe she can make it into a study table.
Frankly, I am unable to understand what is your problem with tube tops and candlestands. All households need such items and your daughter is only trying to help out the family finances with some recycling. I mean, think of my neighbours Alka and Ashok. Their son, who wants to be a policeman, decided to start early training by watching cop videos at home. At first, he was directing traffic in the colony. Next thing you know, he was beating up the watchman, milkman and all. Part 2 of tutorials began it seems.
Throughout the nation, youths are wandering about after DIY lessons in patriotism or holiness and making life miserable for all. In Mangaluru, two boys got their parents arrested because they did not remain standing for entire duration of one Akshay Kumar movie.
In neighbouring Bengaluru, when one youth saw a video of Jaggedish Bossdev posing in bulldozer and pronouncing “body is machine that gets better with use,” he stole his mother’s jewellery to buy a JCB that’s now parked in their front garden. Be happy you still have a phone.
And what about the baking and cooking videos? Open FB or Insta and steady stream of food pictures starts dripping out like water from Chennai corporation tanker.
Beloved son / daughter / pet poodle baked cupcake / banana bread / brownies today. Or made shrimp salad / pasta Genovese. Everyone’s child is A1 chef, everything has basil, micro-greens and cherry tomatoes, but go for dinner to their house means they will serve you veg biriyani. Naturally, because all household money has gone into buying fresh goat cheese for budding Bourdain. Maybe you’re serving better food for guests since your daughter is only melting crayons and not kilos of camembert for fondue.
Only thing in your life I’m anxious about is your mother’s dentures. Do you put out that candle when she is eating? Or do you light it up and use it for the crème brûlée?
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com
