It's pretty easy to come up with reasons why a Van Morrison gig could disappoint:
a) He neglects to play the original version of Brown Eyed Girl, and instead kicks off a 15-minute pan-pipe jam inspired by his soul-searching travels in the Andes.
b) He rekindles his love affair with Scientology and brings Tom Cruise onstage for a skiffle paean to the wondrous ways of L Ron Hubbard.
c) The crowd find themselves banned from going to the bar to get a stiff drink to numb the dull, throbbing pain caused by two hours of incessant MOR rock.
This time, Van the Man has gone for c - preventing his audience from quaffing booze at tomorrow night's Brighton Dome gig, and for two shows in Liverpool and Birmingham next month. Apparently, this beer ban has nothing to do with the teetotal Van's past problems with alcohol, but because he doesn't like folk wandering about too much when he sings. It puts him off, you see. We can only suppose that this rules out dancing too. Soft drinks, however, are allowed – so you can go back and forth, downing as much Coca-Cola as your body can hold. Perhaps Van is not yet aware of the twitchy effects a can of caffeinated fizzy pop has on the human body.
What I find weird, though, is that Van seems to have forgotten that most gigs are undoubtedly powered by booze. Queues at venue bars are nearly always a vicious battle to the Becks, yet still people are willing to miss a couple of songs by their favourite acts in order to secure an overpriced, plastic pint of cider or miniature beaker of acrid vodka. And why? Because good music and drink are still the best of bedfellows, and a tipsy crowd is usually an enthusiastic one. And let's face it, most of us need some Dutch courage to shake a leg in front of complete strangers at 8.30pm on a school night.
Maybe we've got this all wrong. Seeing as the tickets for Van's mini-tour range in price from £40 to £85, could the man be doing his fans a favour by asking them to not shove their hands any deeper into their pockets?
