The opposite of sex ... Coldplay's Chris Martin. Photograph: Paul Yeung/Reuters
Distressing news alert: Chris Martin has confirmed that his duet with Kylie Minogue won't appear on Coldplay's new record Viva La Vida because it is, and I quote, "too sexy". But can a song really be too sexy?
Probably not if it involves Chris Martin. Now, I don't know how he measures sexiness - and, frankly, I don't want to - but I'm guessing his instruments are a great deal more sensitive than mine as I honestly can't think of two less sexy artistes than these two.
Kylie was "sexy" (by mistake) for about ten minutes in 1990, Martin - fine musician though he is - is actually the opposite of sex. Put them together and you create a negative whirlwind, a physical anti-tsunami of celebrity detumescence. I haven't heard the piece, but I know it won't be sexy because anything described as "sexy" never is. Thus Mariah Carey, say, hasn't got a sexual bone in her head, Beyonce "did" sex for one song then went all Jesus on us and Rihanna is a lot more sexy when she's talking about um-ber-ellas than when she's talking about "it".
For the logical conclusion to this point see Color Me Badd's 1991 classic I Wanna Sex You Up which has always sounded more like a terrifying, leery threat than a clarion call for gratifying genital union. Salt N Pepa's Let's Talk About Sex posits the act as all about STDs and unwanted pregnancies while Kool G Rap And DJ Polo's Talk Like Sex ("I'm not your ordinary player, because you'll leave in a wheelchair, dear, after I lay ya" - thanks!) is a masterpiece of such revolting imagery that chemical castration suddenly appears an attractive option.
If you want to make a sexy pop record, there are ground rules. For a start, don't make a fuss about it. Motorhead are no one's idea of a sexy band, but their b-side to Ace Of Spades was the magnificent feral Dirty Love. AC/DC's You Shook Me All Night Long has someone else's hair between its teeth and yesterday's socks on. And Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar On Me makes young women scream (on the dancefloor).
Don't ram it down our throats, allegory is good, Tweet's Oops, Oh My is remarkably sexy precisely because it's so lip-bitingly discreet (see also Aaliyah's Rock The Boat). And while it may set the To Catch A Predator alarm bells ringing to find Vanessa Paradis singing Joe Le Taxi attractive, the fact remains it is sexy.
Personally, I think there's no such thing as "too sexy", just "too overstated". But if there are two songs that send spasms through my iPod, they have to be Grace Jones' Pull Up To The Bumper ("... and drive it in between") and Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin's Je T'aime... Moi Non Plus. These are too tracks which appear to have been made by people who have actually had a lot of quite high quality sex. Unlike, well, you get the picture. Anyway, I've shown you mine, how about you show me yours...
