Life’s big decisions don’t always come easy. And matters of the heart can play heavy when it comes to choosing a university. Having struck up a relationship in the sixth form, it’s not surprising some students are hesitant to break ties and head in different directions.
For parents, there’s also a fine line between head and heart. Jan Waller, from Birmingham, wanted her son to be happy, but thought his travelling home every weekend would impede his studies. “Jim was having doubts about his relationship,” she says, “but it was important he made up his own mind, so although I stayed supportive and talked the situation through with him, I tried hard not to tell him what to do. In the end they agreed to part and see how it goes. That seemed to satisfy them both. They can always get back together if things are meant to be.”
Although many relationships have foundered due to the distance and lack of contact, others have stood the test of time. Claire Bentley, from Watford, got together with her boyfriend two months before she went to the University of Winchester: “He was going to Sheffield, so we thought maybe it was best to take a break. But we carried on talking, and a few weeks after freshers’ week we decided we could make it work, even though there’s a four and a half hour train journey between us.
“We see each other every four to five weeks and it can be quite expensive. Getting the balance right between seeing each other and lecture time, courses and assignments is tricky. We both decided to put our work first and take our laptops so we can work when we see each other.
“Most of my friends have broken up and wonder how we do it. And although it has been hard, the time goes quickly. My parents thought as long as I was happy, they were fine, so they never interfered.”
There’s no right or wrong answer, but the general advice is, if you start to feel the strain, make sure you talk to someone and don’t wait until the situation gets out of hand. If you’re missing someone, feeling homesick, anxious, or have work concerns, there are people on campus who can help.
Like many universities, Nottingham provides a specialist and confidential counselling service, accessible by anyone registered there. This can be in the form of workshops, group sessions, or individual counselling for personal and psychological problems.
Concerned parents can phone for general advice, although counsellors are unable to divulge any information about individual students. Friends are also encouraged to speak up. The University of Nottingham said: “If you are worried about a friend, one of the counsellors can talk to you about the situation and perhaps suggest where your friend may best obtain help.”
A simple online form can be filled out to make an appointment. Counselling does not affect your academic record, so don’t suffer in silence.
Case study: Lucy Bennett
Lucy Bennett, 19, from Rotherham, split up with her boyfriend before going to university to study pharmacy. “I knew it would be an issue, as it’s a four-hour journey between us by train. I’m quite independent and it was something I needed to do.
“I am glad I don’t have the pressure of going home every weekend, and I’ve been able to use that time to make new friends and meet new people.
“It was daunting, as I didn’t know what was going to happen, but it’s nice to be my own person while I’m at uni, and do what I like for a while.
“We’re still friends and on speaking terms and it’s completely fine. My mum and dad were really good about it. They said: ‘You’ve had good times together and you’ll both be OK.’”
“Coming back to university after Christmas was difficult because I got used to home comforts, so now I text message my parents most days and Facetime once or twice a week. And occasionally they come to see me and make a weekend of it.
“They have always said go after what you want, meet new people and try new things, and during exams, Dad said: ‘Just try your best; that’s all you can do.’ If there are any problems, he said he’d come straight down.”
