Dear Sue,
I am writing to you in your capacity as chair of the broadcasters’ “leaders’ debates” committee.
As you know I have had serious concerns about this from the start. There seems to be an overwhelming effort on the part of broadcasters to insist on democracy, accountability and giving the public a genuine chance to hear what the parties stand for. This is, in our view, completely unacceptable. As we said before the debates in 2010 … Actually, never mind what we said then.
The choice at the next election is a clear one between David Cameron and Ed Miliband and it’s vital that the electorate should never see this choice debated. Democracy is far better served by the prime minister hiding from any true examination of his record, depriving Miliband of airtime, and letting the media bombard the public with trumped-up stories about Miliband’s dad and the silly way he eats and how he looks a bit funny. And let’s be frank, he does look funny. If you were truly public servants, you’d broadcast a debate about that.
In order to cut through the chaotic situation which now exists because of this crazed obsession you have with actually allowing the public to hear some policies discussed, we wish to make it clear that the prime minister will only take part in one debate. This is on condition that the debate includes not only the Greens, the nationalists and the DUP, but also the Monster Raving Loonies, the Make Benedict Cumberbatch King of Scotland party and at least 256 other party leaders. These should include 30 dead party leaders as, if democracy is to be truly served, why should only the living have a voice? No dead leaders standing alongside the living – no debate.
Furthermore, the debate shall take place within two hours of receipt of this letter, in a darkened room with no cameras, no microphones, no audience and no questions. Each speaker will be allowed a maximum of two seconds and will then be asked to eat a bacon sandwich. Motorhead must be played loudly at all times to minimise the risk of a member of the public actually hearing something.
Oh, and no Nigel Farage.
This is our final offer because we are convinced that only by bullying and threatening do we have any chance of getting away with this. And while we’re at it, we attach a list of topics which from now on you must never mention in any of your other programmes.
Yours,
Craig Oliver
Do not mention:
The NHS
Tax avoidance
Tory party donors (you may mention the unions)
Immigration targets
Bedroom tax
Zero-hour jobs
Energy prices
Royal Mail
Ukip
Disabled people
Michael Gove
The debates
Massive increase in debt
Loss of credit rating
“Greenest government ever”
Badgers
