I've no idea which succubus is in charge of unscripted programming at MTV, but let's congratulate them on the commissioning of Totally Calum Best, in which we will follow George Best's boy as he attempts to do without sex for 50 long days. Mmm . . . are there mobisodes? I'll just DIE if there aren't mobisodes.
"Each week his 'mates' will attempt to test Best's mettle," explains the press release, "as they deliver up temptation in various shapely forms."
"Deliver up"? "Shapely forms"? Well done, MTV! It's great how you make it all sound like some semi-coercive female sacrifice. You really are the network that cries when it ejaculates.
Anyhow, Totally Calum Best follows in the Wenceslas-like footsteps of Totally Scott-Lee and Totally Jodie Marsh: Who'll Take Her Up The Aisle?. At this rate, MTV's commitment to extending the Totally franchise to every non-celebrity with a Chinese symbol tattoo will soon result in the greenlighting of Totally Unidentified, in which dismembered corpses are tracked by cameras as they make the journey from crime scene to postmortem lab, as producers ask: have they got what it takes to step up/settle down/base-jump/have a No1 single in a post-ironist world? Conflict ensues; some scenes may contain flash photography.
