IT’S A SHAME ABOUT ROY
It’s always amusing when reputedly placid, middle-aged men become flustered the second things refuse to proceed according to their will, morphing into truculent teenagers who didn’t ask to be born. We’ll leave that zinger hanging.
Mr Roy, renowned leader of men and reader of books, has resigned as England manager - a position he didn’t earn, but earned him a lot. Naturally, this did not oblige him to answer any questions as to why his team failed so humiliatingly, nor his role in it. “I don’t really know what I’m doing here,” he grumbled at Tuesday’s press conference. “But I was told that it was important for everybody that I appear, and I guess that is partly because people are still smarting from our poor performance.” A man of rare perception.
Indeed, though the majority of the footballing world was surprised that England somehow contrived to lose to Iceland, Mr Roy was ready for it even though he “didn’t see that defeat coming”. Oh ho ho, was he ever! Thus did he arrive at his post-defeat press conference with his resignation statement prepared and in-hand; perhaps he was mentally rehearsing it between the 60th and 86th minutes of the game, when, to the unenlightened eye, he appeared to be doing absolutely nothing.
Mr Roy’s rare expertise in matters Scandinavian should come as no surprise. Speaking in 2002, he noted that “my track record, if people bothered to study it, would put me in the same category as Ferguson enjoys today,” and he is right: such callous indifference to his achievements at Halmstads and Malmo shames the nation; we are where we are.
And Mr Roy is where he is. “I’m feeling very fragile,” he confided, leading a wag on a newspaper website to note how frequently teams assume the characteristics of their managers. But such levity betrays the nobility of his showing up at all. “I was not forced to come here,” he said. “I did so because I have never shirked a press conference”. Give that man a Victoria Cross!
The truth is that he was no more than a simple victim of circumstance, an artist in a scientific world. “Unfortunately it’s results that count,” he lamented, a nation sighing at such ill fortune, collectively mourning this triumph of the uncouth. “If only games were decided on performance!” they cried in unison. “Oh, alack, alas!”
That, though, is for yesterday; today, we look to the future. David Gill and Martin Glenn will simply pool the expertise accumulated in their appointment of zero football managers, and England are back!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Why would anyone want it?” – FA chief suit Greg Dyke gives the job of England manager the big sell, while accusing the players of being “scared”.
FIVER LETTERS
“Regarding Mike Dunton’s letter in Tuesday’s Fiver: ‘The solution is simple. England must change its name’. May I suggest ‘Scotland’?” – Mark Davies.
“The next England boss has to be Jeremy Corbyn. Thick-skinned, not influenced by the media, not afraid to drop big names from his team and won’t resign under pressure” – Justin McDermott.
“Get Arsène Wenger in as the next England manager, change the name of the round of 16 to the Round of England, and everyone’s happy” – Tim Noble.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Justin McDermott.
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BITS AND BOBS
Taxpayers FC’s David Gold has told the FA to stop making eyes at his manager. “Slaven wouldn’t be in the slightest bit interested in England, he’s a very, very loyal man. Our commitment to each other is total.”
Banter’s Christian #NoFuchsGiven Fuchs has told Austria he’s had it. “The game against Iceland was my last in red-white-red,” he parped. “I’m very proud of my 10 years, I did everything with passion and, as I said, I am very, very proud.”
Chelsea have all-but-bagged £33.2m Marseille striker Michy Batshuayi, while Spurs and Leicester both fancy putting Iceland’s Ragnar Sigurdsson on their bench next season.
Newcastle have signed keeper Matz Sels from Belgian side Gent, and have stuck Palace striker Dwight Gayle on a treadmill to see what happens.
Vincent Kompany says he’s “shocked” by England’s early exit from a tournament, which suggests someone hasn’t been paying attention. “Looking from the outside, I honestly can’t work out how it happened. That was an England who I didn’t recognise. I want to see an England team playing like an England team.”
Jamie Carragher thinks England played exactly like an England team, and he doesn’t care who knows it. “They’re too soft. The more I think about England’s humiliation against Iceland, the more those two words come into my mind. They’re soft physically and soft mentally … I call some of them too soft.”
Zenit forward Hulk is set to join Shanghai SIPG for the challenge. His €56m move will break the Asian transfer record for the third time in five months.
And excellent-named US international Perry Kitchen is in the Hearts squad to face FC Infonet Tallinn in their Europa League opener tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow.
STILL WANT MORE?
Go, go power rankings! Part IV
The secret to Iceland’s success? Grand deeds and small egos, reckons Amy Lawrence.
Essential reading: Daniel Taylor picks the bones out of an exhausted Roy Hodgson’s final appearance in front of the media. Includes duvet talk.
As auditions go, Michy Batshuayi’s could hardly have gone better, writes Ed Aarons.
Saying sorry for costly errors has become an unwanted career leitmotif for Joe Hart, argues Jamie Jackson – it’s time for England’s No1 to board the Do One Express.
Marcela Mora y Araujo picks up her scalpel and provides some forensic analysis of Lionel Messi’s decision to call time on his Argentina career.
Euro 2016 quiz time – whose lid is it anyway?
And are England better off playing at tournaments on the BBC or ITV? The Knowledge has the answer.
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