Westminster has been awash with numerous accusations of illegal parties held during the festive period last year.
But what would a Christmas party held by the most senior and well-known faces in Government look like? Well, let our imaginations run wild and envisage that it looks something a little like this...
Boris Johnson, dressed as Peppa Pig, and Jacob Rees-Mogg as Daddy Pig, are the first members of the Cabinet to rock up at the boozy Downing Street bash.
Peppa and Daddy are joined by Chancellor Rishi Sunak, whose concern at the cost of the party is soon allayed when the Prime Minister reveals that all expenses have been covered by a mysterious Tory donor. “His peerage is conferred by Her Majesty next week!” a devilish Rees-Mogg quips.
The rest of the guests trickle into the room and by now the party is in full swing. Education Secretary Nadhim Zahawi compliments Michael Gove on the quality of the chocolate profiteroles, with Gove having sourced the cream-filled puddings from a mate’s company for a cool £5,000, even though the company has never before made profiteroles and instead specialises in making cheese puffs.
Matt Hancock, kicked out of the Government in disgrace but invited to the party for old times’ sake, has another man’s wife pinned up against the wall for a festive snog under the mistletoe.
Meanwhile, Transport Secretary Grant Shapps has been designated as the beverage manager and is tasked with distributing drinks around the room. But Grant, situated in the southern end of the room, causes controversy among colleagues when he inexplicably decides not to extend his drinks service, which he has dubbed High Speed Ale, to the northern end of the room.
Further contention arises when Foreign Secretary Liz Truss bemoans the lack of scotch eggs on the buffet table. The only explanation offered by those in attendance is that Home Secretary Priti Patel must have cruelly sent them back.
Shapps sparks further ire when Boris takes him to task over the lack of wine in his glass. The Prime Minister demands that his glass is filled with the same amount as other members of the Cabinet. “That’s my levelling up agenda in action!” Boris bellows at the top of his voice.
After all of the food has been cleared away, the congregation settle down for a Christmas quiz. Dominic Raab – taking part on the understanding that there won’t be a geography round – is installed as captain of one of the two teams, and after spending half an hour thinking of what to call his team, masterfully comes up with the moniker ‘Dom’s Team’.
Both teams breeze through the first few questions but are left stumped when quizmaster Zahawi asks: “ How many children does Boris Johnson have?” Those on Team Boris look pleadingly towards the Prime Minister, but like them, he has absolutely no clue at all.
The party ends in bitterness and rancour when Work and Pensions Secretary Therese Coffey is accused of checking her phone for answers. Looks like Boris has lost control of the party.
