In her barnstorming speech closing the SNP conference in Glasgow, Nicola Sturgeon confirmed that babies born in Scotland will, from New Year’s Day 2017, be gifted baby boxes. The policy, inspired by the free boxes handed out in Finland for the past 80 years, symbolises “a belief in a level playing field”. With that in mind, here are 10 items we hope make the cut.
A cabbage
If “mum”, as she will henceforth be known (as in, “And how is mum doing?” said directly to you or, more likely, to the person next to you while you shoot milk into your bra like an invisible superhero), is breastfeeding, her breasts will be rock hard with milk by day three. Cabbage leaves cooled in the fridge apparently help and will at least make you look as weird as you feel. And if mum is not breastfeeding, it’s Scotland. Make soup!
A muslin
Because anyone who has been there knows that one of the biggest changes in early motherhood is suddenly finding yourself saying the word “muslin” 6,000 times a day. As in: “Has anyone seen my muslin?” To which the reply is usually: “It’s on your shoulder …”
Sophie la Girafe
The ultimate middle-class newborn accessory: French, inexplicably expensive and looks like a dog toy. Good for teething, but is more traditionally used by the parents as a status symbol. So, if you really want to level the playing field, Scotland, little Sophie should be nestled in every government-issue box.
Sleep suits and vests
Despite your visions of tiny jeans and booties, a white sleep suit and vest is basically all the newborn will wear, kind of like a prison uniform. The seasons are irrelevant. This is Scotland. I had my baby in Edinburgh in August and he wore a sleepsuit, vest and woolly hat for months. Which brings me to …
A woolly hat
No man, woman, child or newborn should be without one in Scotland. We wear them year round, sometimes in bed. The hat should ideally be knitted by way of a government-funded social inclusion project for older people and, please, no pink or blue.
A guide to referendums
Might as well start them young. The future may be uncertain for Scotland’s newborns, but it is likely to be paved with #indyrefs.
A Julia Donaldson and Lynley Dodd book
Because everyone knows Hairy Maclary is just as great as The Gruffalo. If you want to go full-on SNP, make it the Scots version of The Gruffalo by James Robertson: “A gruffalo? Whit’s a gruffalo then? A gruffalo! Whit, day ye no ken?”
Ironic postcards
We need some crap humour to keep us in touch with the disappointing world outside the baby box. How about some cards with annoying parenting cliches on them? Enjoy it while it lasts. Embrace the moment. Sleep when the baby sleeps. We’re a’ Jock Tamson’s bairns. Just wait till they’re teenagers. Keep the heid. Irritated yet?
Bath salts
Another one for “mum” because, remember, she exists, too. Her body will be sore, exhausted and possibly stitched. A warm bath with something soothing and scented in it cannot be underestimated at this time.
A Tunnock’s teacake
Placing this Scottish dome of delight beside Sophie la Girafe in a post-Brexit Scotland will serve as a metaphor for a handshake with Europe. Also, it looks pretty.
