Name: Bogof degrees.
Age: Brand new.
Appearance: Incredible value for money.
Hello, I’m thinking about going to university. Stop right there, my fine fellow. Have I got a guaranteed, once-in-a-lifetime, money-saving, wallet-caving, brain-straining bargain for you!
You sound suspicious. On the contrary, good sir. I am a representative of one of Britain’s finest seats of learning, and today I’m offering you a deal so insane that you’ll ignore my insensitive reference to mental illness: a bogof degree!
A what? A bogof degree! Enrol for an undergraduate course with me today and I’ll give you a free – YES, FREE! – master’s course worth an incredible £10,000! All you need to do is sign on the dotted line.
Are you for real? Yes! We need to keep up with the market. Sheffield is giving top students the chance of a free master’s course worth up to £10,000, Kingston is offering 25% off a master’s and Kent will give you £1,000 off and 10% off the tuition fees of any spouses or siblings who also want to do a degree.
This is depressing. God, I know. Don’t tell anyone, but we’re being pummelled. There are fewer 18-year-olds around than in previous years – and Brexit will probably stop overseas students from coming here – and we’ve got spaces to fill. It’s tacky, and I’m ashamed of myself, but what can you do? Anyway, STEP RIGHT UP!
This isn’t what education is about, is it? What do you mean?
Surely it’s about expanding your horizons and gaining independence, not about materialistic freebies. Oh, I can tell you’re a hard nut to crack, sir. What if I threw in some Premier League football tickets? That’s what De Montfort is doing.
Good God, is it really? Please sir, I need this. Just say the word. You want an iPad too? We’ve got iPads as far as the eye can see! I’ll give you 10 iPads!
You’re doing nothing to dismiss the sensation that education is becoming something you can buy off the peg. Fine, I’ll give you the keys to my car and that’s my final offer.
Do say: “Education is not simply a monetary transaction.”
Don’t say: “Chuck in a set of steak knives and I’m in.”
