Name: Burberry’s Rubber Highland Mules.
Price: £690.
Appearance: Very possibly the least practical wellies ever.
Are these like those ridiculous Gucci wellies? I take it you are referring to the Stanley-embellished rubber rain boots you sometimes see celebrities wearing.
Sure. Then no, they’re absolutely nothing like those. Not only are the Gucci wellies a comparative snip at just £615, but they also look identifiably like wellington boots.
In what universe can £615 be considered a snip? Shhh, now. This is fashion.
So explain what the Burberry boots are like. Well, I can tell you that they’re a collaboration between Burberry and Harrods, because the former has taken over the exterior and interior of the latter, to celebrate its 175th anniversary.
That doesn’t really explain what they’re like. Fine, then I can tell you that their uppers are made from 100% rubber and their heels are made from 100% thermoplastic polyurethane.
Wait. Heels? On a pair of wellies? Yes, I should have mentioned that earlier. These boots come with a three-and-a-half-inch (8.9cm) heel.
But they’re wellies. You wear them when you walk through muddy fields. Wouldn’t the heels throw you off balance? Oh boy, you’re really going to hate hearing about how they’re also backless.
They’re backless, too? Oh yes, of course, they’re mules. You can just slip your bare feet into them like they’re a pair of slippers, and off you go, galumphing across the countryside.
This sounds like a terrible idea! You’d probably turn an ankle before you’d even left the house. Oh, stop being ridiculous. People aren’t going to actually use these shoes for their presumed purpose. These are just cute little novelties that rich people can wear while they totter around the city.
Oh, I get it now. What a strange idea, Highland Mules that aren’t particularly practical. You’re new to all this fashion business, aren’t you?
Is it obvious? Let me direct you to the Moncler + Rick Owen snow boots, for example. They’re like a normal pair of snow boots, except they’re covered in thick goat fur. You’re essentially paying £2,295 to look like Chewbacca from the ankle down.
But why? Who wouldn’t want Chewbacca feet?
Well I for one won’t be buying a pair of these silly Burberry wellies. It’s OK, they sell traditional wellington boots as well.
They do? Of course they do. Yours for just £650.
Do say: “Burberry’s Rubber Highland Mules aren’t very practical.”
Don’t say: “But at least they look really silly and cost too much money.”
