WINDOWS AND DOORS
We already know who’s going to win next season’s Premier League. It’ll be Everton, won’t it. That’s if all this noise everyone’s making about their best summer in the transfer market since the time they bought Dave Watson and Paul Power in short order is anything to go by. But the battle for second place should be interesting, with fellow spendthrifts Manchester United currently making the strongest claim. Because after a quiet start to the transfer window, José Mourinho has suddenly started to bundle players in and out of the Old Trafford front door like a man possessed. Careful, will you! You’ll have that thing off its hinges!
Already this week he’s yanked Romelu Lukaku through it, bringing him into the fold for purely footballing reasons, and if it seriously annoys Roman Abramovich and Antonio Conte then that will sadly have to be the case. He’s also shoved Wayne Rooney out into the light, blinking, confused, wearing only his pyjamas, wondering exactly what’s happened to his world since that game at Watford. And now he’s in the process of sending Adnan Januzaj packing. There he goes, bouncing through the hysterically swinging stadium aperture and down Sir Matt Busby Way on the seat of his pants, off to Real Sociedad, taking all those misplaced hopes and that whack Gilbert O’Sullivan song with him. May he finally realise his potential at the David Moyes Memorial Stadium.
Mourinho also hopes to take delivery of Eric Dier from Tottenham, and Internazionale winger Ivan Perisic, deals which, when added to the signing of Victor Lindelof and the necessary baiting of Chelsea, would bring United’s summer spend to £185m. That’s not factoring in wages, and goodness knows how wide that spreadsheet column will need to be if reports of a new contract for a refreshed and repaired Zlatan Ibrahimovic are true. At least Zlatan would elegantly sashay his way through the door, causing no lasting damage. But otherwise, all this incessant banging, swinging and slamming has serious long-term implications for the structural integrity of the frame. Much more of this rough treatment, and Old Trafford will be reduced to a pile of rubble by the end of August. By the usual standards of Mourinho’s managerial career, that’d be a whole two years ahead of schedule.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We did what we believed to be the right thing for five months. Not for anything other than purely the right thing … Every city has numerous challenges, whether it be affordable housing, homelessness, increasing the standards of hospitality, or having world-class places to stay”– Gary Neville on why he allowed a group of 50 rough sleepers to camp out in his soon-to-be luxury boutique hotel last winter.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Has anyone done a PJs and Duncan joke yet?” – Richard Prangle.
“Re: Russell Richardson’s query regarding insignificant sponsored items (Fiver letters passim), the goal nets of my Sunday league team, Heroes of Waterloo, used to be held in place by sponsored tent pegs. The ‘deal’ was brokered by our right-back, Chiggers, whose dad owned a camping shop. I can’t remember the name of the shop (which kind of defeats the object of the sponsorship), but the slogan they used for their January sale posters was ace: ‘Now is the winter of our discount tents’” – Andy Korman.
“Back in 1995, I sponsored Witton Albion centre-half Cec Edey’s bootlaces, for the princely sum of £2 for the season. As part of the package I got to meet him and the team in the dressing room and had to be there at 1pm. Five minutes later I was sat on the terrace, with almost two hours to wait with nothing to do until the game started. Cec left for Macclesfield in October. Probably the worst £2 I ever spent” – Stephen Yoxall.
“Sponsoring individual items of players’ equipment is still fairly commonplace in ice hockey, as an easy way of raising a few quid in return for names in the programme every week. The team I grew up watching, Invicta, had options ranging from stick tape to helmets and everything in between. One item, for many years available for £25, was a player’s jockstrap. The starting goalie, for example, had his sponsored by his boss for several seasons. Given such potential for b@nter, I’m amazed it isn’t more prevalent in football” – Ed Taylor.
“I’m no expert on the top division in Trinidad and Tobago but I would have thought that, by nominative determinism alone, a team called Defence Force would have let in fewer goals than they scored” – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Stephen Yoxall.
BITS AND BOBS
Premier League clubs reported heartwarming record revenue in 2015-16, up 9% to £3.6bn. Championship clubs reported a record operating loss and increased their net debt to £1.3bn. All is well.
Prince Albert of Monaco has warned £100m Kylian Mbappe not to get greedy. “I don’t think it will happen,” he decreed. “It is not in his interests to go where he will not be a certain starter.”
James Rodríguez is pumped about joining Bayern Munich on loan. “It’s a new club, a new life, I’m dreaming big, I’m fired up,” he David Cameroned. “I’m hoping for great success.”
Chelsea commuter and new Crystal Palace loan signing Ruben Loftus-Cheek has earned himself an extra half hour in bed. “I thought this would be great for me. I live not too far away, I was born in Lewisham and Palace is a good club,” he yawned.
Milan teen Gianluigi Donnarumma says he’s sorry for taking so long to sign his new deal. “I’m delighted and proud to stay,” he trousered. “I’m sorry to the fans, and thank them for their affection.”
Lewes FC have become the first professional or semi-professional club to pay its women’s team the same as its men’s team.
Sadio Mané will miss Liverpool’s Hong Kong jaunt to work on recovering from his knee-knack. “He’s really, really good,” cheered Jürgen Klopp. “But it makes no sense to take him.”
And Mesut Özil reckons selling Alexis Sánchez would be “a setback”. Özil was speaking in an interview at the launch of Arsenal’s third kit in Sydney. Stop Modern Foo … oh, never mind.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Arsenal say they won’t sell Alexis Sánchez to a domestic rival – but, asks David Hytner, can they really justify missing out on a £50m fee?
Lucas Leiva has been rumoured to be leaving Liverpool since about 2008, and yet here he is in 2017, having clocked up 346 appearances, more than Alex Raisbeck, Terry McDermott, Kevin Keegan, Michael Owen or Bob Paisley. But this time he’s really off, reckons the Mill.
Race cars, petrol stations and bingo halls – the Knowledge laps up football’s strangest commercial sidelines.
There’s hot minnow action in the USA! USA!! USA!!! Open Cup, with a guaranteed non-MLS semi-finalist after Miami FC and FC Cincinnati’s meeting. Gideon Nachman reports.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
